Wednesday, 9 November 2011


My thoughts haven't been my friends of late.This is a regular occurrence. I have negative thoughts. I tackle the problem. I'm OK and managing myself. I relax. I forget. I have negative thoughts and feel pessimistic and fearful. It's like the tides in the ocean and the pull of the moon. For me the pull is cancer. It's a regular thought which persists. The process can be likened to a labyrinth or a maze. You start out in pain and ignorance. Off you go on your journey, filling up on optimism as you near the centre, but then away the path curves and lo and behold back you arrive at the starting point - but not quite. And then on the path arcs, heading back to the centre, or a different edge,to different feelings before once more taking you back to the starting point - nearly. It's like a set dance where a pattern is traced on the floor. All the floor is covered, with the pattern eventually bringing you back to where you started. And then once more it pulls you back again for another turn around the floor. Another dance with my emotions.

Time has led to a certain complacency. I'm still here. Maybe it is just the tablets and implant that keep me well. Perhaps I can relax on the lifestyle challenges. But once the slip's made it's difficult to retrace back to the centre, back to the sweet spot where it's habit, or just how I live my life. I'm out at the edge - near my beginning - at the moment. Gained weight. Feeling stressed. Not focusing on my good health.

But it's just a phase. I touch bottom and then I'm off again on my journey.Back towards a clean and healthy body, back towards a calm and clear mind, back towards optimism and joy. The scan has shown no change and I'm washed with relief.

This is my dance, my journey, my challenge, and my adventure. I say to myself   "keep your chin up. Look Up.  Look Forwards. " It doesn't stop me seeing what my future may contain, but it does stop me from falling down entirely. I do keep my eyes on just the one step ahead. It's inevitable that sometimes you have to keep your focus small. But I do try to keep my eyes up and enjoy the view. It's the travelling that's important, not the destination. It's the view along the way. Not the final picture. It's the process more than the solution. Life's great tapestry is in the living now, not in the future which contains the ending. We don't read books and listen to stories to know the ending.  We like the story. Otherwise books would be two pages long. The first page, and the last. Where's the fun in that ?
It'll soon be the holidays and I'm shocked at how the time has flown since last year. I'm very lucky to get another year. Another Christmas, another Autumn and Winter, another season in the garden. It's important for me to acknowledge this. Acknowledge all the positives in my life  - and I do have a huge share of the great stuff in life ! It's important to stay grateful and amazed by what life offers. Don't take it for granted. That is my way back away from the fearful edges of life and back into the centre.

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