Well, it's April tomorrow and I just don't know where the time's gone. What I do know is that I'm in a slightly better place than I was a fortnight ago when my father-in-law was living with us. I still have a teenage daughter who is challenging to say the least, but at least my house is my own again and I can start to breathe and think. To that end I've been trying to sort out my kitchen. I'm a hoarder by nature. Must be something to do with my impoverished, migratory childhood, or then again maybe not. Anyway, I finally emptied my SUGAR cupboard. Yes, I had a cupboard devoted to all things sweet :- golden icing sugar, honey, brown sugars of every stripe, jam,, maple syrup, golden granulated sugar stored in a jar of its own with vanilla beans , icing accoutrement's. What's left is now stored in a plastic tupperware box. I know. But I don't live alone threw most of it away and in fact most of it hadn't been touched in more than 3 years. What a waste of space ! So that freed up a cupboard to use as I wished. I downloaded an ebook ( I am getting more adventurous on the Internet ! ) on eating for 5 days in a low glycaemic way. It included a menu plan, a concise ebook on the reasons to eat with an eye on the glycaemic index, and a shopping list, and a support network on twitter for a 5 day challenge. I didn't get my act together in time sadly- perhaps next time - but I did do the shopping, and I used the cupboard to store all the dry goods I needed. It gave me one cupboard to go to and made it feel more organised, special and fun, and certainly simpler. This cupboard is now my designated healthy eating challenge cupboard, and the sweet stuff left for the family is relegated to a dark, awkward and unused corner of a floor height cupboard.





The 5 day low GI challenge was a great idea and I have been working my way through the recipes. So far they have been terrific, and will become part of my regular repertoire. if you are interested in this challenge it will be run again. Go have a look at it at :-


http://meghantelpnerblog.com/ /




Meghan writes a TERRIFIC blog called Making Love in the Kitchen. She is incredibly generous with her recipes and every time I look at her blog it's like the sun comes out. I have never met her, and unless she fancies a holiday in North Yorkshire or I go over to Canada I have no expectation of ever meeting her, but she comes across as a person who you'd like to have as a friend. Her blog is friendly, warm, very positive, and very generous. I also greatly respect the information she gives. I trust her blog totally. I downloaded all her ebooks and they more than live up to expectations and are incredibly reasonably priced. She is releasing one tomorrow on superfoods, together with a challenge and I'm hoping I'm up for it.





The school's break up tomorrow and I was determined to start blogging again, so that's me for today. The utility room needs a bit of a sort out and is calling to me. I spent some time looking at other people's blogs again today. I think I'll just have to ration myself in future. The problem is that I want to catch up. I haven't really been on the internet in months - since last summer really - and I'm being distracted by all the great blogs and sites out in the blue yonder ! But do take a peek at Meghan Telpner's if you get chance. It's worth it.

Sunday morning

I had a lovely day yesterday. I had bruchetta and salad for breakfast. We went out for lunch and a walk and sat by the river watching ducks at our favourite cafe. I had a warm vegan salad and a pot of chamomile tea , and felt like I was on holiday. The sun shone brightly and warmly and we sat outside eating our lunch and watching the ducks and people. We had a very short stroll because we foolishly ate first. I can''t seem to get much energy up after eating. I had a nap in afternoon, and had bruchetta and salad for supper. We watched dancing for sports aide on tv, and I had an early night.





This morning I've had porridge with seeds and nuts and apricot kernels and feel like having another nap. I think I will try to remember to take some digestive enzymes before I eat and see if that helps at all. I watched some inspirational videos on YouTube yesterday featuring Neal Barnard and T Colin Campbell and I'm feeling a little more optimistic today. We've also got the house to ourselves for the first time in 17 weeks and that's making a terrific difference to how I feel in the place. I can breathe a little easier. I have a bit of space to think.

Just another day

Things aren't going so well. I've been very erratic with the juicing and my emotions are at a low ebb. Food wise, I have good and bad days. I've started eating processed foods - for convenience and comfort - and I've been having alcohol and sugary cereal. It's really bad, but I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I bought a Vitamix for my birthday a fortnight ago and I still haven't taken it out of the box. And I've not finished the book I was reading yet. After 17 weeks I've finally managed to move heaven and earth to give us a break from grandad, but it's all backfired on me. My daughter thinks we're millionaires and the hotel of choice that we were going to stay in for her birthday does not meet with her approval. We had a big emotional scene last night , and I just can't take the drama. My husband took grandad back up to Scotland to stay with hiss friend and there were problems with that - the overnight catheter bags didn't arrive at the dispensary in time and we'll have to courier them up to him. I ordered bags from his local pharmacy in Scotland, but there's no guarantee that they'll be there by tomorrow either. This is really because they weren't ordered till the last minute. Husband delivered him and is now very worried about the steep steps he has to use to get to his bedroom. So He's tense. I also told him about the diva moment and he's angry about this and angry with me. I told my daughter I wouldn't book anything and he's booked the time off work. It's a mess. I just want to step out of my life. But there's no way to do that. Someone would be left with a huge mess to clean up. So this morning I'm tippy toeing around on eggshells. Beam me up, Scotty !!!

STARTING OVER

It's been a very long time since I last posted. The reason being that I got myself into a dark place,. I also have a teenage daughter who knows of this blog. and as a consequence I censored myself. This blog is an honest account of what I am going through and learning. I just can't write and censor my thoughts at the same time. But I feel a strong urge to start again. I have fallen into old rutted habits and I'm needing help in pulling myself together and sorting myself out again. There have been many pressures since I last wrote. Whilst my scan results remain the same, the anxiety never goes away. My daughter who is 16 in a fortnight is a typical teenager, and we have our moments as do all parents and teenagers. And my father - in - law who has just turned 92 came to convalesce with us in November after a hernia operatiion, and has now taken up permanent residence with us. He has prostate cancer and the numbers have been rising recently and we haven't been helped by his G.P. telling us that he didn't expect him to make it to Christmas. He is now stronger physically than he was before the operation. But sadly his mind has started to fail him. His memory is erratic and he does get confused. This is a trial and a tribulation for us all.





So this is the start of a new offensive. I am in the fight again. I can't say for how long. My emotions are out of control quite a bit at the moment. But I can try and take control of how I care for my body again.





I have made juice over the past week. Yes, I stopped. What can I say. I know I'm an acidic mess. So I'm starting from scratch again. Baby steps !! Juicing is a baby step. I start with a bag of carrots and a bag of salad leaves - I know they're washed in chemicals,, but it's better than nothing, and it's convenient. As I said, I take a bag of salad leaves and a bag of carrots. I push them through the juicer and decant into small green bottles. Then I have juice for the day. I added kale the other day, and a courgette yesterday. I haven't made today's yet. I'm drnking a detox tea at present. But I'll make it just as soon as the electrician comes and goes. I'm expectiing him in about 10 minutes - not enough time to juice.





Today I only have the electrician to cope with. After he leaves I intend to reread Pat Reeve's book " A Living Miracle - fight cancer at its cellular level and win ! ". Pat is fighting cancer herself and has done so successfully for 30 years or more. I have forgotten so much that I read when I was looking for a miracle, and I've decided to start reading again to encourage and remotivate myself. Pat's book was very helpful to me when I first read it, and I went to see her on the strength of it. Pat's book has the best explanation off what cancer is that I have read. There's a lot of references linking cancer to fungus, parasites, yeast, and I can't remember what else. I got very very confused by the conflicting theories. Pat's is the only book I read that pulled it all together and made it all very clear and understandable. There's also plenty of healthy recipes in the book, and many help with osteoporosis. I have osteopenia and it's getting worse. I intend to take Pat's advice to heart and start to rebuild my health again. I hope to report back on what I find and then move on to other books which I found helpful in the past. if you'd like to go to Pat's website it's :-





http://www.foodalive.org/





Pat is a dynamo, full of energy and glowing like a little star ! She is fantastic and very supportive.

LIVING WITH THE FERRYMAN

It has been some time since I last posted on this blog. The truth is that I have slipped and stumbled and lost my way. It happens !! I stopped juicing and obsessing about my diet when I went on my summer holidays, and I suppose perhaps I did need a break from it. But things have gone from bad to worse, to unspeakable and I need to get a grip. It was my birthday last week and I am trying to make a new start. And it's back to basics and baby steps for me. So I'll be blogging about my experience from a personal level now. I stopped blogging because things were difficult and I couldn't write about them because my daughter was reading my blog, and consequently I censored myself. Hopefully she is now out of the habit of reading it. If not, Rosie, perhaps you should stop reading now before my black, black soul is revealed. I'm not joking ! I can't pull my punches because quite frankly I just don't have the energy.








This morning I have come to realise that I haven't really accepted the finality and reality of my situation, and what the situation really represents for me. I have been avoiding truly seeing and accepting things as they are. The Grim Reaper has come to live with me and my family. My visitor is the embodiment of the Crypt Keeper, a cadaverous spectre, and he occupies most of the house.







I live in a large house with many rooms. You would think it would swallow him up and hide him, but he is ever present, constantly moving around and making full use of the space. I have tried to contain him, but that seems impossible. I dedicated half the downstairs space in my home to him, but he will not stay in his space. He fully occupies the whole downstairs and garden and scares me out of my wits,and makes me jump out of my skin by appearing when I least expect him and where I least expect him. He is stealthy and silent . I've threatened to put bells on his shoes, but he laughs. He creeps up the stairs and haunts the intimate parts of my home. He frequents the house bathroom and landing. He peeks into my bedroom if he can't find me in the rest of the house. Not content to simply occupy the space, he changes my environment. He turns up the thermostat when I'm not looking and creates a hot house that stifles me. A hells kitchen in a brick box. I feel boxed in. He fills my house with the sound of death and destruction and disaster. A news bulletin at high volume spooling over and over and over. He has taken my home, my husband, my daughters father, and , I fear, my life. Isn't that what death does ? Take everything you hold dear and everything you don't - indiscriminately.







My life with the Crypt Keeper started about 4 months ago. He is unable to care for himself and is occupying more and more territory in my life. He will not be contained. I have to accept that for better or worse he is with me to the end. It is a pseudo marriage. He keeps me company whenever I am home. I can go out for distraction, but twist and turn as I might, he will always be there on my return. I spend more time with him than with anyone else on the planet. Far more time than with my husband. Far more time than with my daughter, though as she is nearing 16 I expect her to stretch her wings and spend less time with me as she prepares to fly the nest. Thankfully, her life is opening out. My place is here with the cadaverous embodiment of death.







I think that life can be quite spooky. I have spent 3 years fighting for my life, fighting for my life . But Death has tired of my contortions and evasions and has come to live with me up close and personal , and he wears my father- in- law's face. He is not to be ignored and he's not to be avoided. I have not been juicing as diligently as I should. In fact I stopped. Our family summer holiday always breaks my habit and it's so laborious and time consuming that I find it hard to get back into my health-creating routine when we get back home. Since November, when my visitor arrived, my health creating efforts have deteriorated further. I drink alcohol. I eat sweet things , some made with fruit, others made with sugar. I eat processed foods. I skip breakfast and lunch, and I eat processed foods . There is plenty of salt in my diet, and a lack of raw vegetables. It's comfort I seek, but it eludes me . I'm not an idiot and I know that my food choices and the stressed way I'm reacting to this situation will seal my doom. I am coming back to my blog in an effort to try to resume the fight if it's not too late.

Ascending

I have just spent a weekend ascending and I feel wonderful. Ascending is, I believe what you might also call meditating. It's about spending time with yourself, with your thoughts, and with your spiritual self. It's about spending time with a higher self. And it's about being aware of your life right now, in this moment. About really living rather than imagining you're living in the past or the future. I'm uncomfortable writing about it, because I'm not sure I know enough to write about it, but I'm writing about my own experience and I can't get that wrong.





I have had a weekend learning to ascend - the practice is called Ashayas Ascension and the website for more information is at


http://www.thebrightpath.com/



I met some wonderful people, ate good food, sat in a peaceful place, and I think had a very healing experience. I do a lot of things that I believe alter my body from the outside in - breathing in deeply and watching my diet to name but two. I also have practices where I try to heal myself from the inside out - using visualisation and relaxation techniques. I've already mentioned my mind pharmacy in a previous post. I have also visualised a dark cabin that I can enter where I give up my thoughts. I visualise a beautiful field with a seat below a tree where I can sit with my higher self and my guardian angel - where I can receive hugs and reassurance. I have created a house in my mind where all those who love me are and I can go and visit with them and swim in a pool of healing. Al these techniques require me to activate my imagination. The Ashayas Ascension differs from these visualisation techniques. It asks nothing of you other than you be present. It is a passive process. Or so it seems to me at this moment. I just sit, or recline, or even walk around and watch my thoughts. I don't even have to do that. I can just let them go. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the simplicity and ease of the technique. What I find so appealing is that it is Very positive in its approach. It is very loving and accepting. It is Very Kind and I am drawn to kindness like a moth to a flame. It's totally non-judgemental, and its accessible even with eyes open and moving around and interacting in the world.It doesn't require peace and quiet and a darkened room to be activated. I feel truly blessed that I have found it. What's more it's incredibly supportive. Once you've been on the first sphere course - the introduction and initial training - you can continue to go back and repeat the course as often as you like. There's plenty of support from the teachers, and the other course participants were all extra-ordinary people who shone with kindness. There were quite a few who had been ascending for ages . I did ask them the question - " why would you come back on the first sphere course if it works ? " and the reply was that "you learn something new each time , hear something different, hear something put across differently by a different teacher, possibly hear something that's been said before but that you weren't ready to hear the first time. Also, you get to spend time with really nice people, eat good food, and visit peoples homes and sit in lovely rooms " This was my second weekend, and I have to say that I now agree with these sentiments and will hopefully go on many more weekends myself. There's so much more to it than learning a technique, and there's power in meditating in groups.

ALL IS WELL

I've just read the last entry I made - and didn't publish at the time. I was certainly in a dark place. Thankfully the scan showed no change - stability. Yes, yes, dormancy is the word that springs to mind, but there are seeds that lie dormant for thousands of years over in Egypt - and in other places too. So dormancy doesn't imply reawakening any time soon !





I haven't posted in ages. I've been in a dark place and I think I needed to try and find a way through. A way to live well even with cancer. I've explored a few avenues which I hope to share later and I've come back to blogging with a fresh perspective after a rest from thinking about cancer in such a negative way.





I once read a story that I can't remember accurately, but that I can remember the gist of and I'll share it here. A person ( lets say it's a he ) spent many years seeking enlightenment and the secret of life. He searched the world over but still couldn't find what he yearned for. In time he heard of a wise woman who lived in a cave at the top of the highest mountain. She held the secret, but she would not give it away easily. He set off to find her travelling a great distance and suffering many hardships before finding the cave. Inside he found a frail old woman and begged her for enlightenment. She refused, saying that she only aided those who truly knew what it was they searched for and who wanted it with all their being. He beseached her , telling her of his many travels and wanderings, of the hardships, deprivations and challenges which he had overcome, all in order to be enlightened. Again and again she refused until he eventually persuaded her and she agreed. He thanked her and had no sooner done so than she turned into a screaming monster with a club who shouted "NOW" and beat the club on the floor. He looked at what was in front of him stunned and then turned and ran out of the cave. Just as he emerged she appeared again, shouting "NOW" beating the club on the floor. As he ran down the mountain again and again she followed shouting "NOW", "NOW", "NOW". To the end of his days she accompanied him, every moment screaming "NOW" and banging her club on the ground.





I'm not really a story-teller and I wish I could remember where I read the story, but that's the gist, with my spin 0n it. The point is that the screaming harpy shouting "now" could be my cancer. A teacher reminding me that now is all there is. That fear is simply memory of what might have happened and anticipation of what might be. It is based on nothing but an idea, a thought. It's not based on what is. In this moment - today - I am well and healthy. People comment on how well I look. I even feel well ( though I do tire very easily ! ) If I concentrate on this moment then I know all is well and I am well.