Wednesday, 26 August 2009


I've just read the last entry I made - and didn't publish at the time. I was certainly in a dark place. Thankfully the scan showed no change - stability. Yes, yes, dormancy is the word that springs to mind, but there are seeds that lie dormant for thousands of years over in Egypt - and in other places too. So dormancy doesn't imply reawakening any time soon !

I haven't posted in ages. I've been in a dark place and I think I needed to try and find a way through. A way to live well even with cancer. I've explored a few avenues which I hope to share later and I've come back to blogging with a fresh perspective after a rest from thinking about cancer in such a negative way.

I once read a story that I can't remember accurately, but that I can remember the gist of and I'll share it here. A person ( lets say it's a he ) spent many years seeking enlightenment and the secret of life. He searched the world over but still couldn't find what he yearned for. In time he heard of a wise woman who lived in a cave at the top of the highest mountain. She held the secret, but she would not give it away easily. He set off to find her travelling a great distance and suffering many hardships before finding the cave. Inside he found a frail old woman and begged her for enlightenment. She refused, saying that she only aided those who truly knew what it was they searched for and who wanted it with all their being. He beseached her , telling her of his many travels and wanderings, of the hardships, deprivations and challenges which he had overcome, all in order to be enlightened. Again and again she refused until he eventually persuaded her and she agreed. He thanked her and had no sooner done so than she turned into a screaming monster with a club who shouted "NOW" and beat the club on the floor. He looked at what was in front of him stunned and then turned and ran out of the cave. Just as he emerged she appeared again, shouting "NOW" beating the club on the floor. As he ran down the mountain again and again she followed shouting "NOW", "NOW", "NOW". To the end of his days she accompanied him, every moment screaming "NOW" and banging her club on the ground.

I'm not really a story-teller and I wish I could remember where I read the story, but that's the gist, with my spin 0n it. The point is that the screaming harpy shouting "now" could be my cancer. A teacher reminding me that now is all there is. That fear is simply memory of what might have happened and anticipation of what might be. It is based on nothing but an idea, a thought. It's not based on what is. In this moment - today - I am well and healthy. People comment on how well I look. I even feel well ( though I do tire very easily ! ) If I concentrate on this moment then I know all is well and I am well.

1 comment:

  1. Happy to read a post from you ... I've been wondering how you've been doing.

    Glad you're back.