Saturday, 24 January 2009


Today I'm frightened.I've been distracting myself on the Internet,, and I've been reminded of my need to find my life's purpose - my calling.

I read the story of Jonah and the Whale as told by Thomas Moore in his book 'Dark Nights of the Soul' and I feel I must stand up to the challenge.

The story goes that Jonah is called by God to deliver the message to his people that they are sinning. ( Sin, incidentally, is another name for error. I was raised a Catholic, and remember the dire threats associated with 'Mortal' sins - and 'venial ' sins for that matter. Threats of a hellish place, or a purgatory, again not a good place to be, and for a long, long time! I thought these places were real. To have a geographical location. I could visualise them ! I was too young to understand metaphor, and the nuns were very graphic and passionate about their teachings. The word sin consequently had very strong negative emotions attached to it for me. The notion that sinning was simply an error, a mistake, an old fashioned word for an everyday experience was a revelation to me. I now see the Universe and God in a much kinder light. ) Jonah, understandably, doesn't want to stand up and deliver this popularity raising message and flees aboard a ship.Mid sea his fellow sailors discover Jonah's motives for being there,and fearing God's reaction to finding him with them, they throw him overboard. A large fish appears and swallows him, and he spends the next 3 days in the belly of the whale. Jonah is ultimately spat out on the shore. At this point Jonah capitulates and passes on God's message. He doesn't want to go through that again ! It's a metaphor I know. The dark night of the soul. The spiritual journeying, trying to avoid the difficulties, and then standing up as the individual that he is - for his beliefs - his knowledge of truth.

Like Jonah, I don't want another visit to the briny depths of chemotherapy and despair. I have capitulated to the Universe. If my calling is to pass on the hope of a way of living with cancer, then I must find a way of putting that into action. My first thoughts some time ago were that I could write a book! But there are some excellent books out there already. And a book implies to me a journey and conclusion. Or at least the conclusion of part of the journey. A stopping place. I have not reached such a place yet. So perhaps something for the here and now - in this moment. A blog is the natural conclusion. So I have agreed to write a blog.

There may be plenty of other blogs out there. And I feel arrogant at the thought of making my thoughts and views so public. How on earth can I have anything valuable to say ? But - give the Universe a conduit and you never know! I don't want to commit myself - to put myself out there - but at the same time I want to pass on what's taken quite a bit of research to find. And I do feel as if I've been led to the reading and information I have found. If that's the case, then repayment is due, and now is the time to step up to the plate and accept the heavenly request. If I'm deluding myself then no one will read it and no harm will be done. I will have simply encouraged myself through this writing process.

So now comes the planning and preparation. An entry once a week or once a fortnight should be sufficient - enough to keep me busy, but not so onerous that I can't also live my life.What I plan to include is all the information that seems to make sense to me about cancer. There are some very strange hypothesis and 'remedies' out there. I don't think of myself as a crackpot and will just include what I have personally found useful. Should anyone read this blog, they must make up their own minds. We are all different and it is everyone's own responsibility to pull out what is useful to themselves and ignore, dismiss, or postpone that which is not applicable, appropriate, or possible for themselves - I have taken things on gradually, and things which I dismissed out of hand 18 months ago, I now consider, move towards, and embrace. We are our own custodians and carers for our bodies and spirits. We do our best and hope. It is not my intention to frighten anyone. I am not a doctor and have no medical background. The information contained in this blog was garnered from many sources. My researching started in the summer of 2007 , and continues today. I have stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer - lobular and hormone positive if that information is of use to you. It certainly coloured some of my research.I currently have tumours over my ovaries. They are stable. It is my mission to move to a state of remission, and the purpose of my research is to achieve that end. " Where there's a will, there's a way "!!!!!!

It is my fear that anyone reading this blog will come away fearful and overwhelmed. There is much to frighten us. I have found that there is also cause for optimism and hope. Please don't take on too much change at once My advice would be to pace yourself. I have overwhelmed myself many times, and each time must retreat backwards to summon my strength, energy and reserves, before moving onward and upward again. I have found that being overwhelmed and tired can each lead to feelings of despair and depression. This I try to avoid at all costs. It's easier to maintain optimism and hope, and harder to rebuild it from a place of fear. Look after yourself.

And for all who read my blog I wish you well. I wish you health and happiness and joyful life.


  1. All my best to you Jill, from Pat Reeves

  2. Hi Jill!
    What happened to those seeds you sprouted earlier this week?!! Don't miss meals - stay the plan!! love from Pat.