May Update

Just a quick update for anyone checking in on me. I have just had my bi-yearly scan and can happily report that all is still stable. I can relax and enjoy a lovely summer. I hope anyone reading this also has a delightful summer and enjoys it like it's their first and their last. squeeze the most out of it till there's nothing left,  Delight in all its aspects - rain and grey and all !! We all just have this moment. The trick is in recognising that and stopping to notice and enjoy.

For myself, I have a number of projects on the go. I have let my allotment go as I just don't have the energy. But will still be growing some veg in my raised beds here at home. I will be decluttering which is something I should have done a long time ago. I am also taking a short pattern drafting course, and am better set to try again to get a nice nighty pattern developed. Funny, but it's the summers when I really notice that my nighty is the ugliest thing ( because of my asymmetry which in this instance doesn't delight my eye .) Sorry - I just can't embrace this particular amazonian asymmetry in the mirror - or worse - my reflection in the window !! The mornings are so light in the summer I love them, but it does bring this issue to the fore. So I am picking up my drafting pencil again and am having another attempt. ( this is a small niggle. Let's keep it in perspective ! But I still think it is a solvable one. )
And finally, I hope to have learnt how to post photo's on my blog by the time the summers out. I have promised this before, so don't hold your breath. It's a part of why I stopped blogging. The other blogs are all such eye candy, and mine is less interesting and beguiling without any images. No promises, but I will try to gain this new skill !

I leave you with the wish that you and your loved ones have  health, wealth, and happiness. May you have all that is in your best interests and lack only the things which disempower you and cause you great pain.

November 2013

A quick post to confirm that I am still alive and kicking !!  I'm trying to get on with life rather than write about it - hence the lack of blogposts. It's also difficult to write when you have nothing of note to write about.  But for those who are interested I'd like to confirm that I am well and continue to manage my tumours / cancer. I have just had the results from my latest scan and all seems to be stable, though the tumours do move and rotate - is that scary or what !  And whilst there is an area that is apparently growing slowly, we don't know what it is. ( it has a different signal to my other tumours, so is hopefully benign ) So the decision is to wait and watch. It could be a small fatty lump, and I am hoping that is indeed what it is. So all is well and I can breathe for another 6 months.

I am not so flippant about this as I may appear. Really I'm not. But there's nothing really to do about it. Just count my lucky stars that I don't need aggressive treatment., and that despite expectations I am still here. So I'm getting back to a more restrictive diet and a steadier, stress managed lifestyle. There's no sense in continuing the slide that time and complacency has taken me on. It isn't easy living mindfully and healthfully all the time , I can tell you. But, if it buys me more life it has to be worth the effort. I am finding it hard to manage my mind at present, and that's the truth, but I am putting a lot of effort into it, so I am sure that calmness and peace of mind will eventually be my normal again. I'm experiencing a slight interruption to service - nothing more.

Updates to my attempts at fashioning a mastectomy nighty. -
                 Sadly I don't consider my efforts so far to be universally successful. I lost the muse for a while in face of the complexity of the task. Perhaps now that the days are short and the nights are long I will reclaim it and muster up the energy to try again. As the man who invented the lightbulb is reputed to have said - I've come up with a number of ways of how not to do it. I just need to keep trying so I can come up with a way that does work.

Update to Gardening -
               I have veg in the ground. But I've been feeling very tired this summer and didn't get down to my allotment so much. Now I'm mightily embarrassed to go down there ! But I do have brassicas to harvest ! Organic, fresh, living veg. They call to me !

I can't think of anything else to report. So until next time I wish anyone reading this a very healthy and happy half year till I report in again.

March 21st 2013

I am a very sporadic blogger. I am what I am. Today I'm posting because I thought of my blog the other day and I haven't thought of it for some time. This year has been a year of new beginings for me. My daughter left home for University and I'm an empty nester now. My husband goes into semi-retirement next week and I'm just waiting to see what that brings. My scan is due and I'm on tenterhooks waiting for the hospital to contact me to arrange it. And today, for a change, the sun is shining and it looks like spring and the start of a new gardening year. To prepare my body for the continued changes in my life I am going on a cleanse. I have prepared. I have bought the produce. I have got my recipes and my schedule in order. Today I begin with a green juice. Pretty basic. Spinach, celery, and cucumber. A squeeze of lemon. Green. Dark Kelly Green. It's OK. As green juices go its very mild. I've a glass in front of me and a small bottle in the fridge for this afternoon. I'll be trying a green smoothie at mid morning and mid afternoon (kale, spinach, broccoli. tomato, lettuce, garlic, cucumber and avocado, and any extras i can think of ), and I'll have soup ( vegetable ) for lunch and supper. I've signed up for Ross's alkaline cleanse on the " Energise For Life " website, and I'm trying his recipes. My own are far from great tasting, so I'm hoping to pick up some tips for making them more delicious. I've tried a green smoothie before and I'm a little trepidatious as I didn't like it. However, I'm going to give it another go. Raw foodists call them smoothies, but having had fruit smoothies I can say that mine was a long way from being anything like what I expected. They are more chilled soups in my mind. The plan is to do this for 7 days. Hopefully that will put me on the right path to juicing again as I haven't used my juicer in some time. And for motivation I have access to some videos Ross has made for the programme. I am also going to be watching " Hungry For Change " which is having a free viewing on the internet for the next 10 days at www.hungryforchange.tv/ Strange - when I've typed web addresses in before it's shown as a link. Google it if you want to watch. I highly recommend it. Another motivational movie I stumbled upon earlier this week is " fat, sick, and nearly dead " It can be watched on youtube and is very motivational. These guys juice for 60 days and undergo a huge transformation. The movie follows them and you get the feeling that if they can do it so can you. So I'm good to go for the next 7 days. I'd say I'll blog my progress, but that's not my pattern of the past. What I will say is that I will post my scan results when they come up. Fingers crossed !!!

Update

It's months since I last posted on this blog, so I thought I should come back on and give an update.

Firstly - I've had another scan and the results show the cancer is still stable . Yippee !! Great news. Be better if it were gone, but I'll take what I can get. I'm still thriving and striving !

Secondly - there's a cancer summit going on at the minute over the internet. the address is
          
                 http://www.CancerWorldSummit.com

It's running for the next few days. The webcast is live at 8PM New York time - that's 1AM English time !  There are a series of talks over the next few days. You have 24 hours to listen to each one and then the next one is broadcast. And there is the option to purchase if you want to hear it again, or miss some. Kris Carr and Dr. Gonzalez broadcast yesterday. If you want more information follow the link. Kris Carr spoke a lot of sense, and Dr. Gonzalez referred to his enzyme protocol. While after listening to him and being reminded of things I had forgotten I wanted to sign up for the enzymes I do feel that there are many ways to skin a cat. There are common elements to all these healing regimes, and my approach is to follow those. I'm not looking for a magic bullet because I suppose I don't believe there is one. Just a healthy lifestyle. And both yesterdays speakers were talking about just that. I'm looking forward to hearing the rest of the speakers. I have forgotten so much of what I Iearned when I was actively researching. I think at the 6 year mark it's a good time to refresh my memory.

Thirdly - I've signed up with Ross at Energise For Health to follow an alkaline diet regime which he is doing over the internet. I've let things slip and I feel the need for some connection to help me get back on track. He's created an online community over there. It's clear that an alkaline body is a healthy body and Ross is all about alkalising. His website is full of interesting information. You can have a look for yourself at

                      www.energiseforlife.com

Fourthly - I've enrolled on a dress making course. I'm just getting back into sewing and when I feel a little more comfortable I'm going to get to work on a mastectomy nighty pattern. I am so sick and tired of my nighties and how I look in them on a morning ! There must be a better solution than no mirrors and black out curtains !!! It's really not quite as bad as that !  I'm also signed up on a course at English Couture in a fortnight to do a bra making course.  It's in Liecester, so involves staying away from home for a night, so it will be a bit intense. I'm looking forward to being able to have some pretty bra's - and I'm intending to do some matching pants too . Luxury !!! I follow a few sewing blogs and some of the unerwear that they make is just  Amazing, Darling ! I'm hoping mine will be too.

Finally - The allotment is getting ready to hibernate over the winter. I haven't sown any seeds, and the intention is to cover my weeded and dug over beds in membrane ready for an early start next year. I spent most of this year just weeding and chasing my own tail. So I plan an early start next Spring.

That's all I can think to update on.  I have no pictures. I've forgotten how to add a photo and my daughter is away at Edinburgh University so she can't help me. I'll have to write myself an instruction manual when she comes back for Christmas. Speaking of which - isn't it coming quickly !!! But that's nice since it means my girl will be home for 3 weeks. She's settled in really well, and I've adjusted to her being away, but I do miss my mothering role.  And I do miss her !

To anyone reading I wish you health, happiness and a great today !

AN OLYMPIAN CHALLENGE

I don't post very regularly on my blog. That's largely because I don't have a lot to say. However, as my daughter is going away to University in September ( fingers crossed ) I'm going to see if I have more time for and interest in blogging again. No promises, though  !  I have a surprising number of draft posts that I never finished or thought better of making public. I will try to finish a post and hit the publish button before the perfectionist and coward in me steps forward.

I've just returned from holiday and have taken an interest in the Olympics. The coverage on tv is great. I'm getting interested in sports that would normally leave me cold. I think that's got to be put down to the commentators who are doing a great job of making it all really exciting. We listened to radio 5 all the way home from Cornwall ( 7 hours !! ) and anytime I sit down I take a peak at the tv coverage. it's so tempting to just sit down and watch it all ! But that's kind of the opposite of what the Olympics is about - sitting down and watching passively !  But really tempting !!

Steve Redgrave - Sir Steve Redgrave, rower extraordinaire and Olympic gold medalist many times over - has been on the tv. We had a gold medal for the two girl rowers and he was drawn into saying that to decide to defend your title is a very big decision. He said that the World Championships require a years full committment, but the Olympics require 4 . Four years is a huge commitment. That's 4 years of dedication and single minded hard work. It's clear that athletes make huge sacrifices for their sport. Their preperation involves diet and all the sacrifices that implies. No drunken Friday nights out with friends ! No icky sticky creamy sugary buns ! No salty, fatty, fried and crispy snacks ! No chemical laden processed and marketed foodstuffs. Their bodies need clean nutrient dense foods to build them into lean mean fighting machines. Their preperations also involve excercise to build their muscles, their reflexes, their stamina and strength, their flexibility, and their skill. We had a talk by an Olympic athlete at Boroughbridge High School 2 years ago and he was fascinating. Sadly I can't remember his name, but he was an incredibly able and motivating speaker. He was a rower and described a particularly cold, dark and rainy winters training morning when he dragged himself out of bed at the crack of dawn. It was the last thing he felt like doing.  He was the only person creeping out and down to the water at that ungodly hour. But as he eased his boat out into the river another rower was just coming in from his own mornings rowing. That lone indiviual was Steve Redgrave. This is the kind of dedication and self discipline, not to mention bloodymindedness that it takes to get to the Olympics.  There's no question that it takes character to be a sucessful athlete. Real strength of character is what it takes to achieve excellence and push your body to its limits on a regular basis. When friends are going out to party, when friends are enjoying down time and chilling out with drinks and relaxation, these athletes are in training with all that it implies. I am in awe of them. Their beautiful bodies are not just a gift given freely. They work for them constantly. They don't come free !! I am mesmerised by these athletes from all corners of the world. They are talented admitedly, but they are clearly incredibly self disciplined. I wish I could claim I had a smidgen as much as they have. As I say, I am totally in awe. And there are many athletes who just didn't make selection who I'll never see. And that's not to even mention the paralympic athletes who are to compete after this set of Olympic Games is over. I can't wait to see them and am so glad they are given so much more media coverage ( at least I hope we see as much tv coverage ! ).

Why am I talking about the Olympics ? Well, Steve Redgrave got me thinking. I have trouble maintaining motivation. It can feel very lonely to be fighting cancer with lifestyle choices ( yes, yes, also with medication it's true. ) Having just returned from holiday where someone else caters for me morning, noon, and night I can reaffirm that I march to a different drummer to the majority of the population. On the dinner menu there were 5 choices for meat dishes and one for fish. There was a special vegetarian menu at the first hotel with about 5 choices, but ALL had dairy as an intrinsic part of the dish. At the second hotel - with the same hotel chain - Brend Hotels - there was just one vegetarian option, one fish option and about 5 meat options. It can feel quite frustrating I can tell you. I am paying the same as the meat eaters, but given no real choices. Vegetarians could feel punished if they chose to take it personally. This isn't very fair of me as the restaurants all did what they could with their menus to accomodate my dairy free meat free demands. I did have something to eat and it was delicious. I just get a bit tired and find it a little stressfull when I see what everyone else eats. And don't lets get me onto desserts ! They just look so pretty and indulgent !!! I do get the bonus of coming away without gaining weight. No heavy breakfasts, no rich sauces, no excess sugar for me. But it's hard not to feel a little sorry for yourself when you compare yourself to a room full of diners and can see what everyone else is indulging in.  I know other people with dietary restrictions, so I'm not alone. We are just in the minority. But here's where the Olympics comes in. If I want a role model or two I should look to the athletes. They are on restrictive diets. They are buying into restrictive lifestyles. Time when they could be messing around with friends eating fish and chips and wasting time is spent training, and training till it hurts. I am not an athlete. If you saw me you would never associate me with them. I'm bigger and older and haven't their determination and self discipline. But they are my people - or I would like them to be. I feel they are experts at what I am attempting. So if I feel the need for an example, a role model, a motivator and a coach - someone who's blazed the trail - then I need look no further than these athletes. I've read a great deal about survival. I have a library of books on survival - how to survive, stories of survivors, and of the qualities they share. I intend to now  make a study of athletes. I have criticised having the Olympics in Britain. The expense of it. The inconvenience of it for many Londoners. The unfairness of it all being in the extreme south of the country. I believe I would still have come to this conclusion wherever the Olympics were held, but I think we have better tv coverage because it's being held in London, and that means I am exposed to more of these athletes.

Now to the point of this post. I would like to publicly commit to seeing myself as an athlete in training for the Olympics. I will not look like an athlete. I will not excercise like an athlete. But I can adopt their lifestyle choices and motivations.  I think it is a way to crystalise my visualising. I may not look like an athlete in the mirror, but I can see myself as such in my head. I also have the advantage over the athletes that I can shorten the timescale. I can commit to being in great shape for the next winter Olympics - that's 2 years time. ( 4 years is a long time ! ) Once I reach that milestone I can recommit to the next 2 years. 

I have started a food diary and will try to post this regularly. Feel free to comment if my choices could be better. It's a learning curve. I will also periodically give other details such as my meditation and visualisation schedules and experiences. I'll also keep a record of my excercise. A note here though. I started excercising more enthusiastially earlier this year only to find that my tumours moved. This had happened before, but I had forgotten. So I won't be indulging in strenuous excercise. It frightens me. It's a handicap when you want to model yourself on an athlete but I don't see it as a deal breaker. I'll just have to content myself with low impat, low stress forms such as walking. Perhaps I could train for some walking marathons - as long as my bones and joints don't complain too much ! I know that my challenge doesn't incorporate competition or stressing my body physically, but I feel I can take something from the spirit of the Olympics and the athletes who compete. I will concentrate on their superior powers of self discipline and endurance. If they can do it I can do it.

If you read this post and want to join me in my Olympian Challenge please do. Anytime ! Post a comment. I don't think there are many people who inhabit bodies  ( and who doesn't ?! ) who couldn't benefit from adopting an athlete as a role model.  Here's to the next Olympics. May we all achieve Gold Medals for achieving our goals

1st week of April

 I have started following a health and cruelty free 21 day eating protocol. It started a few days ago on April 2nd, but we've been away so I'm starting today. This one is run by PCRM (Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine ) and once registered you have access to many resources ( videos, tips, recipes, etc. ) and they send you an email every day for the 21 days to help you stay on track and keep motivated. It's called the 21-Day Vegan Kickstart. I'll put a link below if you want to take a look.

http://www.21daykickstart.org/

So today I've had porridge for breakfast. It had fruit - blackberries and apple. It had nuts and seeds - sunflower seeds and almonds.  It was delicious  ( I know I should keep my fruit intake down - sugar ! - but I'm determined to be kind to myself for the next 21 days and to enjoy it, so I'll be having some fruit until the end. ) I'm also going to start off some sprouted seeds. I never start sprouted seeds before I go away. There's no point as I don't seem to eat them if I take them with me - everything's so different - and I don't want to come back to old ones or ones I forgot in the sprouter and then have to clean out the mess. I have no firm plan for dinner yet. The plan calls for greens, grain, and a bean. The example given is kale, couscous, and lentils, or bean chilli and kale. Whatever I have there'll be more than 50 % of the plate covered in vegetables. I should have a plan for lunch, but as I ate breakfast for a late brunch I'm not going to be hungry for any lunch. Soup was suggested in case you're interested with white bean hummus and wholegrain bread. The plan if I need a snack is firstly miso soup and wheatgrass ( a packet of miso soup and a heaped teaspoon of wheatgrass powder in hottish water. No one's ever suggested this to me , it's my own harebrained idea, so nutritional properties may be lost, but it tastes surprisingly good. The miso covers the taste of the wheatgrass powder very well ! ) and later an  avocado. Apple and carrot are suggested, but I have an avocado which is in  just perfect condition and it would be a waste to let it get over ripened. It will be a decadent treat

My allotment this year :-
I have an allotment. It's terrific. Great decision to get one.
And I have a picture !!!!! I've never had a picture on my blog before !  Huston, we have lift off !!   O.K. The picture's not that great. Not a picturesque time of year on the allotment, and I took the photo as an afterthought. But still it's a work in progress. My allotment ends where you see my neighbours shed at the back and my next door neighbours shed on the left. There's a grass path to the right and then another neighbours fence and plot. Mine is what you call a half plot but it's plenty big enough for me.



What's ready for harvest on my allotment :-  kale, beetroot, celeriac, cabbage, sprouting broccoli, some brussel sprout tops, greens, and leeks . ( You can see the kale and brussel sprouts clearly on the photo )
What I'm ready to put in this week on my allotment :- potatoes, peas, broad beans, parsnips, carrots. ( there's others, but I'm keeping it simple and manageable. ) Traditionally  Good Friday is the day to plant potatoes. So if I get down today it's potato trenches I will be digging ! The potatoes are chitted and waiting eagerly to go into the ground.
What I've planted so far this year :- Red Barron, Centurion and Snowball onions,  garlic ( can't remember the varieties ! ) and elephant garlic.
Most exciting thing this year on the allotment :- There's a base down for a shed and the shed's going to be erected about the 16th of April !!!! Can't wait. It will be so much easier when I don't have to carry all my tools - my rake, my hoe, my fork, my watering cans, my little garden fork, my chair, etc.,etc. each time I go down. My plan's to put curtains up and keep a change of clothes down there as well as the tools. That way I can pop in any time I'm passing. I find I just don't go back if I have to go home to change and get all my tools. And with the price and scarcity of petrol it'll be more economical to be able to just pop in on the spur of the moment as I'm passing by.

What I've learned today :-

First - I've learnt to put photo's on my blog. At least I hope I've learnt and that my memory will hang onto the how to of it ! This is big. I follow other blogs and they are all full of beautiful images and make the posts so easy and pleasurable to read. I'm going to have to start taking more photo's. It will be nice to have a colourful blog.
I've also recently learnt that until the year 1752 the start of the year was considered to be March 25th, the Feast of the Annunciation. In 1752 we adopted the Gregorian calendar and started our year on the 1st of January. Well, I must say that March / April seems a much better time of year to make a start on things. So many things seem to spring into life in the garden. January on the other hand is quite a dormant month with the cold and dark forcing me into hibernation inside ( and I'm not alone ! ) . Bring back the March 25th New Year, I say, or better yet, how about April Fools Day ! Then we'll really feel like a new year's begun. Too much thinking was clearly going on and not enough observing and living when the !st of January was decided on and sadly, we've not looked back since.The Chinese have their own New Year in February. Let's have a rally to get our calender changed back to March ! Let's hear it for the British Isles New Year !!!

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS COMRADES

It's February and my birthday is at the end of this week. It's time for a fresh start. A time to take stock, and a time to look forward.

My father-in-law sadly passed away recently. The funeral was held in Scotland last week. And my husband has started to make preparations for retirement ( in 2 years time !! ) handing in his notice this last week or so. My daughter has been offered a place at Edinburgh University in September - they're the last university on her list to reply, and up to this point I had thought she would be just a stones throw away in Leeds. ( I fully expected her to be made an offer from Edinbrugh, but didn't want to think about it and put bad luck on it.)  So it's a time of endings, and a time of beginnings.  I'm finding it a bit overwhelming if I'm honest.  I've reacted more strongly to it all than I expected,  I'm feeling as ancient as Methuselah and thinking of my own life folding inwards. But my excuse is that it's all come at once. It's not been the best Christmas - with father- in-law in hospital and going downhill - (his passing was expected, and he was 94 the day we buried him ) but we've sadly come to expect difficult Christmases. It just seems we've had a bad run of them over the last few years.  I think looking forwards I just have to say that the only way is up. Upwards and onwards.

So, on a positive note I have much to look forward to .

• I've just paid my subs for my allotment. I've been down to survey the damage of a few months of neglect and it's not as bad as I thought. I'm planning on getting down there after half term to start tidying it up and my gardening friends have volunteered to come and help me in March. I'm now planning what to put in and will devote a post in the future to it. And as I got a camera for Christmas you can look forward to some photo's - with a little help from my daughter in figuring out how to include them !
• I'm going to Paris !!!! With my daughter. It's a joint birthday present for us both from my husband.  I've not been properly abroad since our honeymoon so I'm a little trepidatious . It's the language that worries me a little , but my daughter has a smattering so I'm hoping we'll manage.  I'm really excited. I was forced by my family to look to the future and apply for a passport last year - I found the whole thing really stressful as the desire for travel is something I put in a box a long time ago. Coupled that with my oncologist warning me about travelling when I was diagnosed. I kissed goodbye to the hope of travel completely at that time, so opening the box was very painful, particularly as it felt like a leap of faith into the future. But I booked a 3 night break yesterday and I'm really excited about it. It would have been better to book ahead - it's ridiculously expensive !! - but we couldn't plan ahead as we've been living day to day since the end of november when my father-in-law was hospitalised. I think we'll have a great time. I'm just worried that after this I'll want to get out there and travel the world ! I think my husband is too. His idea of a holiday is definitely not a city break.
• I've enrolled on a dressmaking and pattern cutting course. I am really excited about this. I think all the stuff that's going on in my life has led me to it. I'm feeling ancient and washed up. My husband's retiring, my father-in-law's gone before me ( and I was certain the old coot would outlive me !!) , and my daughter's off to start her life in Scotland. I'm feeling ancient and ugly. I can cover up in the day. Put on my hair and my eyes, my makeup and my boob. I can look great by day. But at night the crone cannot be denied. I'm as ugly as sin, and lopsided to boot. So I'm determined to make a nice nightie that won't make me feel like Quasimodo. And to have that I'm going to have to make it myself. If you look in the fashion magazines peplums are making an appearance this year on clothes and they can hide a multitude of sins. I've also noticed and been interested in the work of some Japanese designers over the years who are designing clothes with a very strong architectural feel. Their clothes are very structured and the fabric takes on a life of its own. I'm hoping to incorporate their ideas into a few nighties for the mastectomally challenged. This may sound a little project to you, but I can assure you it's not. I have found 2 nighties on the Internet in the five years I've been looking, and 2 in catalogues. But they've all been pocketed. In those nighties the bodice has to be tight fitting so that the prosthesis sits properly, but not only do you want something loose for night so that the lymph in that area can flow, but the bodice can still move around when you sleep. I tried pocketing a nightie, but on waking in the morning and sitting up I looked incredibly peculiar with humps and lumps where they shouldn't be -the pocket having curved around my body. So I'm on the quest of the perfect mastectomy nightie. And that fills me with more excitement than you can imagine.  There's Hope !!   Perhaps I don't have to look so bad first thing every morning when I walk past my mirrored closets, and stare in the bathroom mirror above the sink. There's just no getting away from how I look on a morning! I've been fine with this for 5 years now . Let's face it, it beats the alternative. But I've been more bothered than I can say since December. And I know that it's to do with the 5 year anniversary marking a minor miracle of survival, and also with father-in-law's , husband's, and daughters plans. I know it's about being overwhelmed because it's suddenly a really big issue for me. So I'm taking positive steps. I'm taking the bull by the horns. I'm getting off my butt and doing something about it. And I'm even considering doing a foundation degree in fashion to that end. Part-time of course, and done locally.  But I'm considering it - finances allowing. It would be nice to have a big project for when I have uninterupted time without having to run around after my daughter and before my huband stays home and dominates my life. I secretly ( is it still a secret after you post on a blog ?1? ) think I should have something which occupies my time and gets me out of the house in place before said husband retires. I've given my family my time whenever they are around in the past, but I can't maintain that. I had been hoping to enjoy the next year when Rosie goes to University to travel the country visiting galleries and cities I've not seen unencumbered by time restraints and domestic duties. Finances won't stretch to that now, so I need to think of something else. Working is out as no employer in his right mind would employ someone with my diagnosis, so perhaps this project will fit my bill. Here's hoping. But, it's one step at a time. I'm going to see how ten weeks of pattern making and construction feels. Starts next Tuesday.!!

So I'm making a fresh start in this next year. These are exciting times. I just have to keep looking forwards with optimism. Concentrating on my positive future opportunities certainly feels a lot better than thinking about past difficulties and regrets. I just need to pace myself as I have come very close to being overwhelmed. but I haven't capsized yet ! I think being positive and proactive is the only way for me right now. Off to pick up my tickets for Paris now. Will hopefully have pictures for my blog next time !! 

MY TONGUE HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN

 It's February already. One month into the New Year. Like so many others I started the year with a number of resolutions. By and large I've kept to them. They've not all been to do with health, but one certainly was. And as resolutions are most likely to stick if you are accountable and if you constantly remind yourself of your goal I post today about my feelings about food as of one month on in my new target (Which is good health, naturally ! ).

I believe three things.

1. Tastebuds are not necessarily your friends. Manufacturers and chemists are making large profits by entertaining our tastebuds for a few moments at a time. We are no longer using our tastebuds for pure survival, but for recreational reasons and for emotional support.
2. Different people are born with different experiences of taste sensitivities. There are super-tasters - people with a much greater concentration of taste buds on their tongues. They taste more intensely than the majority. Did you know that within the general population there is a wide range of taste experiences. And taste includes sensations of heat, texture, and pain - such as heat from chillies. As bitter foods are avoided and sweet, salty and creamy foods are actively pursued this impacts food choices, and this in turn impacts health. So your taste buds play a role in your health.
3. We can no longer depend on our taste buds to keep us out of trouble and to point us in the direction of where our best choices in food lie. With the advent of refrigeration, irradiation, and sell by dates, with the growing lucrative market that panders to our food taste and sensation preferences - in the form of sweetness, saltiness, oiliness and creaminess ( high energy foods that were once necessary for our survival as a species ) -,and with the development of non-biological or man-made additives to, on, or in our foods which to all intents and purposes are tasteless, odourless and nutritionally valueless, we can no longer rely on our senses to help us make optimum food choices for our health. Nature and evolution have hardwired us to seek out high energy foods to ensure that we are fit enough to reproduce. Once we have satisfied this urge nature has little more urgent use for us. Eating a high fat, high sugar, high salt diet is good for survival of the human race in general and us in particular in the shorter term  but it does us, as individuals, no good in the longer term,and leads to chronic degenerative diseases.

So, once again, our taste buds are not necessarily our friends.  Now some people say that it takes a month to break a habit. The Internet is full of 21 day challenges aimed at rebooting our minds and retraining us in our food and lifestyle choices. I personally believe that it takes a lot longer than this to retrain ourselves to make lifestyle choices, and perhaps that's why so many of us fall off the wagon , expecting things to all run smoothly by the end of the challenge. I think that with food habits we're dealing with very deep and primitive instincts, with cultural norms ( magazines and tv are full of full colour adverts for foods and beverages that really need little selling !), and with emotional memories and linkages ( Can't we all remember the treats, the desserts, the rewards, the family feasts we had in happy times.).  So it can take much longer to change a habit where eating is concerned. But we can change behaviour and intention in 30 days. We can change energy and focus. But a month is only the start. It takes determination and mindfulness and discipline to maintain lifestyle changes. I know from personal experience that lifestyle changes made more than 4 years ago are being maintained by determination , and not habit., by daily decisions, and not by reprogramming. It's just not as simple as doing a cleanse and getting on with it from there. Our bodies and minds often go into auto-pilot mode and that can be a stubborn and pernicious thing.As soon as we relax, all our bad habits of the past reappear. It might seem negative and dis-empowering to suggest that a month isn't long enough. Far from it ! A month will see a significant change in the body. A month is a good start and foundation. I'm simply suggesting that it will take continued determination and intention. I sometimes catch myself still looking for the quick fix, for a magic potion, for a silver bullet.  But the reality is that we live in the real world. A cleanse is a great start, but it won't magically change anyone's preferences. It can't change instinct, and instinct is where our tastebuds operate. Give them sweet, salty, creamy any day of the week. Now fresh fruit and veg are delicious, but they don't give quite the same feeling of comfort and nurture. We don't go out of our way to binge on broccoli. And broccoli doesn't initiate quite the same cascade of reactions in our bodies. I don't know anyone addicted to cruciferous vegetables ! Now sugar - that's a different story altogether!

But, as I say, a month can refocus us, change our energy and attention, change our motivation. So I'm looking to make some changes over the next month. The timing is not optimum - there's holidays coming up and lots of commitments where I'll not have full control of what I eat and do with my time.  But that's life. It's never going to be optimum for change. Waiting for the right time is like waiting for Godot. Pointless. So knowing that now is not a good time, I commit to refocusing myself on healthy lifestyle choices.  I started last month. As so many do. And I have made some very positive changes. I'm just committing to doing the same this next month and consolidating and building on last months. And I'll doubtless do the same thing the month after.

Awareness is knowledge, and knowledge is power. With the best of intentions I will live Today mindfully, to the best of my ability. And, I'm going to acquaint myself with my taste buds today.

 What do I hope to gain ?  Health.   Peace of Mind.   Energy.

So for the next month I will go easy on myself. I'm apt to be very critical of myself. I could have done better last month, but then I did my best in the circumstances. There is no point in regrets or recriminations. It won't change where I am.. The longest journey begins with one step. And I can only take one step at a time.  My legs won't stretch further than one span. It's one step at a time. No negotiation. No possibility of anything else. This is true for me. And as author Kathy Freston says, " Progress, not perfection "

Resources :-
There is a very interesting podcast available for download from itunes that talks about our taste buds. It's the All In The Mind podcast entitled  " Mmm...that's tasty "  (March 4th 2011) . Host Natasha Mitchell  interviews psychologist Linda Barloshuk on March 4th 2011.

POSTING AGAIN

It has been some time since I posted regularly. This is largely because writing to my blog takes time. It also requires me to hunch over a computer and gives me bad posture and poor breathing,  I also seem to have computer problems as soon as I start to use the darn thing regularly. I'm typing this on my husband's laptop on a coffee table. It's a frustrating process because the keyboard has a funny square which has gadgets included and I get all kinds of things happening when I try to use it. It moves my words to different places in the text without  my being aware of  having done anything. It's too clever for its own good, and it leaves out letters that my fingers think I've typed, and includes ones I never meant to press. I spend ages searching for where the cursor has jumped, and then have to thoroughly proof read the final product. But as I would like to start blogging again I'll tough it out. Do I have anything to post about ? We'll find out !!

LIFE'S A MIND GAME

My thoughts haven't been my friends of late.This is a regular occurrence. I have negative thoughts. I tackle the problem. I'm OK and managing myself. I relax. I forget. I have negative thoughts and feel pessimistic and fearful. It's like the tides in the ocean and the pull of the moon. For me the pull is cancer. It's a regular thought which persists. The process can be likened to a labyrinth or a maze. You start out in pain and ignorance. Off you go on your journey, filling up on optimism as you near the centre, but then away the path curves and lo and behold back you arrive at the starting point - but not quite. And then on the path arcs, heading back to the centre, or a different edge,to different feelings before once more taking you back to the starting point - nearly. It's like a set dance where a pattern is traced on the floor. All the floor is covered, with the pattern eventually bringing you back to where you started. And then once more it pulls you back again for another turn around the floor. Another dance with my emotions.

Time has led to a certain complacency. I'm still here. Maybe it is just the tablets and implant that keep me well. Perhaps I can relax on the lifestyle challenges. But once the slip's made it's difficult to retrace back to the centre, back to the sweet spot where it's habit, or just how I live my life. I'm out at the edge - near my beginning - at the moment. Gained weight. Feeling stressed. Not focusing on my good health.

But it's just a phase. I touch bottom and then I'm off again on my journey.Back towards a clean and healthy body, back towards a calm and clear mind, back towards optimism and joy. The scan has shown no change and I'm washed with relief.

This is my dance, my journey, my challenge, and my adventure. I say to myself   "keep your chin up. Look Up.  Look Forwards. " It doesn't stop me seeing what my future may contain, but it does stop me from falling down entirely. I do keep my eyes on just the one step ahead. It's inevitable that sometimes you have to keep your focus small. But I do try to keep my eyes up and enjoy the view. It's the travelling that's important, not the destination. It's the view along the way. Not the final picture. It's the process more than the solution. Life's great tapestry is in the living now, not in the future which contains the ending. We don't read books and listen to stories to know the ending.  We like the story. Otherwise books would be two pages long. The first page, and the last. Where's the fun in that ?
It'll soon be the holidays and I'm shocked at how the time has flown since last year. I'm very lucky to get another year. Another Christmas, another Autumn and Winter, another season in the garden. It's important for me to acknowledge this. Acknowledge all the positives in my life  - and I do have a huge share of the great stuff in life ! It's important to stay grateful and amazed by what life offers. Don't take it for granted. That is my way back away from the fearful edges of life and back into the centre.

LIFE GOES ON

I have just had the result from my scan and the verdict is that the cancer is still stable and that there's no change. I am relieved and restored to calmness. 

I was quite anxious this time - partly due to having gained weight. I have been told  things about what can happen in the future which make gaining weight around my tummy frightening. And losing weight can be equally frightening. A catch 22 of my mind. But as I have now been given more time and the reassurance that it's not the cancer growing I will take steps to lose the weight.

Did I mention I was anxious ? Of course I was. I think most people are anxious at scan time.  I practice meditation, and I do it regularly. But I thought that it wasn't working and that perhaps I wasn't actually meditating. ( My memory went to pieces ! ) But last night - having had the results yesterday morning  - I knew that I had been meditating, and that it had made a difference. I felt so much calmer last night. Clearly I had just become overwhelmed. I prepare myself for scans ahead of time. My oncologist asks me to remind him and request a scan when it's due. It ensures that I don't fall through any cracks. But on this occasion there was a breakdown in communication. I give him 3 weeks now to make arrangements. I don't like to give more in case I seem too eager, too demanding. But I've given less time in the past and I've had to wait longer. In itself that's not so bad, but I have worked out the timing so that scans don't fall around holiday times - summer and Christmas. Delays throw that careful management out of sync. This time my oncologist asked for a scan for three months hence. Horror ! I know logically that it means he's confident about me, but this 5 year mark has resonance with me. Add to that my weight gain ( I know most people think it's weight loss that's the problem. Perhaps I mean inches more than weight as I don't weigh myself ) and my diet slipping, and I got to a position where I wanted to know, and I wanted to know NOW !

It's a pity that I don't feel celebratory. I don't feel overjoyed, or lightened, or even happier. I can't at this point even say I truly feel relieved . I suppose that's because the scan confirms that the cancer is still there. But I don't feel numb. I don't feel pessimistic. I don't feel fatalistic. I feel calm. I feel quiet. I have peace of mind today. No fanfare. No drums. No celebration. Just a change in my ability to function, to look forward, to go about my business. And tremendous peace and calm after the turbulent and cacophonous internal storm of the past few weeks. It's been noisy in my mind. Full of apprehension and preparations for the worst.

I'm writing this so that next time I'll remember this anxiety and fear. So I'll know it's normal apprehension and not some internal "knowing" that some people think our bodies have access to ( like the idiot consultant at Harrogate for one !!! ) . One of the harder things about my cancer is knowing that I can't tell. That I won't be able to tell till things are pretty bad again. That there aren't telltale sensations in my body that can be picked up early. Though I suppose early is a relative term in cases of metastatic disease. And as there are so many forms that metastatic disease takes, my experience is different to anyone else's.

So today I am grateful. Grateful for the good news. Grateful for more time. Grateful for my health. Grateful that my life is still mine, that I can spend time with my family and friends. That I still have my Independence. That I can still enjoy the glorious days and this wonderful world. Grateful for everything that life implies - touch, taste, sight , smell, hearing, friendship and love, emotion and contentment. I am so just so grateful for time, for more time. Thank you Universe !!

IT'S CRYING TIME AGAIN

It's scan time again. How rapidly they come around !  I had mine yesterday and what a gruelling time it is.  I felt like I was on my way to my execution yesterday morning. But on reflection it's not so much an execution as a trial. And now I'm waiting for the jurie's verdict.  Melodramatic it may sound. But it's very serious to me. It's akin to being on death row ( not that I have first hand experience of living on an American death row ) and waiting to hear how your appeal has gone. Has the governor pardoned me for another few months ?!!? It is melodramatic. It's the stuff of stories. But when you're living with the Sword of Damocles hanging over your belly I can assure you that at scan time it's not drama, it is deathly serious. Has the cancer awakened ? Have I roused it ?  Because I can't feel it,  and once I do I know it'll  be at a very advanced stage. Other organs will be involved. Vital organs. And I'm oblivious until I either have serious problems or a Very expensive, Very large, Very technological machine tells me so.

Everyone in the house is affected by it. I'm stressed. They're stressed. It comes out in different ways. But it does come out. I'm emotional. I'm terrified. I can't think straight. I have no working memory to speak of. Each time it feels worse than ever. Is that right , or is it just that, like childbirth, I forget how bad it was before ? The answer's not important because if you live in the present moment it's as bad as it gets in that instant. And today it's fairly bad.  I am very lucky to have survived to this point. And I'm grateful. Very grateful.  Unfortunately, defining survival at this stage is about looking back. I've survived so long. That's in the bag. That's safe. But the future is uncertain. There are no guarantees. I ask if there are others like myself who are living with metastases. I sometimes get the affirmative. Sometimes I don't. One thing's for sure, there aren't so many out there that are making themselves known. That frightens me for some reason. Yes, there are some. But I am always told that all cancer's are different. I know this. But it's used as an apology for there being so comparatively  few surviving with it.  And I gather that there's very little research money going into finding anything to help those with metastatic disease. How comforting. Even more reason to get irritated with all those adds appealing to you to give money to cancer research to "save lives ".  It's the metastatic stuff that kills you ! It's such an industry ! Going around Universities with my daughter I was struck by how many have cancer studies departments. This is a HUGE industry worth mega bucks, and not just in England, Britain, or North America, but worldwide. There's not going to be a cure anytime, anytime. Can you imagine what it would do to global economies if overnight so many people were made redundant and so many drugs were not sold, so many supplements, teas and potions were unnecessary, so many carers not needed , so many doctors and specialists no longer required. All that knowledge and experience obsolete.  It would be devastating economically. It's just not going to happen.  Clearly there's a very powerful disincentive to finding a cure for cancer ! God help us !!!!!

Anyway, just wanted to post about the fear - so that next time  ( if  I'm lucky enough to merely need another scan in a few months !! ) I'll remember that I'm terrified, petrified, paralysed, just not functioning - at all - like a rabbit in headlights. There aren't words for the gut wrenching distress that I feel at the prospect of my cancer awakening and the ordeal I will have to go through.  All my meditation and mindfulness induced calm desert me. Or perhaps I'd really be in a twitching, gibbering, drooling, trembling and shaking state without them. 

Fingers crossed for the result !!

I'M ALL PLASTIC! IT'S FANTASTIC!

I first drafted the following post in July last year.  Why didn't I post it ? At the time I thought that giant plastics companies would find my blog, object to what I wrote and sue my ass off ! Conspiracy theories and persecution complexes, not to mention illusions of grandeur and self importance, run amok ! On rereading the post I feel that there is nothing new in the writing. I merely pass on what I have found about plastics and leave anyone who follows this blog to make their own decisions, and pursue their own research if they have a mind to. I simply think that we should all be more aware of not only what goes into our food, but also what goes on it , what goes around it, and how it is stored. Plastics are now very much a part of our food chain.

I have been worrying about all the plastics in my environment, and warning everyone I can about the hazards of plastics leeching into any foodstuff with oil. Why ? Because plastics create pseudo- oestrogens in our bodies, and my cancer is very sensitive to oestrogen. I don't want anyone I know to develop cancer because I failed to pass on my concerns. But it has struck me that I don't know what I'm talking about really. I just blanket all plastics together. And doing that makes for a lot of worry. I'm not saying those worries are unfounded, and I will continue to avoid it as much as possible , but it's impossible to eliminate it completely without leaving the planet earth, so I've done some research. Up to present, I've been overwhelmed by all the plastic that makes up my world and whilst I've known there are different types, it has been easiest for me to blanket them all together. But the time has come to face my fears and find out which are the better choices, and which are the worst. I can't do anything about their existence, or what they are used for. If I don't want my hummus wrapped in a little plastic pot from the supermarket I'll have to make it myself. But information is power and I'm going to arm myself as well as I can. Not all plastics are identifiable as anything other than plastic, or manmade material. But there are ways to identify some of them.

We are all aware that plastics are widely used in the food industry, and I think we should all educate ourselves about what is in and on our foods. Plastics are not inert and totally harmless. There has long been widespread advice not to microwave food using some plastic wraps. But it's only recently that attention was directed at baby bottles, and recently advice has come out warning against putting plastic bottles of water in the freezer. As it becomes increasingly difficult to buy any foodstuff without plastic packaging, I think we should be warned against its hazards.

Hard plastic containers generally, though not always, have a code on the bottom - a number surrounded by a triangle of chasing arrows. This number is a resin identification number, and it's there due to consumer demand for some way of sorting the plastic waste for recycling. It was introduced in 1988 when the Society of Plastic Industry Inc. agreed to a voluntary coding system.

What the codes mean :-

1. POLYETHYLENE TEREPHHTHALATE (PET , PETE )

Designed for a single use only. Extended use increases the risk of leaching ( dissolves into whatever it contains ) and bacteria growth.

Uses - plastic bottles for soft drinks, water, juice, sports drinks, beer, mouthwash, salad dressings, vegetable oil and ketchup. food jars, ovenable film, microwaveable food trays, boil- in- the- bags, and oven safe food trays. cosmetic containers, textiles, monofilament, carpet strapping, and engineering mouldings.

It can be recycled and then be used for fibre, tote bags, clothing and polar fleece, food and drink containers, carpet, luggage, bean bags, rope, car bumpers, boat sails and furniture.

recycling rate - 23%

2. HIGH DENSITY POLYETHYLENE ( HDPE )
Appears to be safe. More stable than PET and safer from hormone-like chemicals.

Uses - milk, water and juice containers, yoghurt and margarine pots and tubs, cosmetic containers, shampoo, household cleaners, and laundry detergent bottles, cereal box liners, grocery, rubbish and retail bags.

It can be recycled into liquid laundry detergent, shampoo and conditioner bottles, motor oil bottles, pipe, buckets, crates, flower pots, garden edging, recycling bins, plastic lumber , floor tiles, fencing pens and white contamination suits.

recycling rate - 27%

3. VINYL (POLYVINYL CHLORIDE or PVC )

Avoid this plastic. It contains many dangerous toxins, and is nicknamed the poison plastic. Toxic additives and stabilizers such as lead and plasticisers contribute to the problem when they break down. Contains BPA and pthalates as well as DEHA (di(2-ethylhexyl)adipate) which is linked to liver cancer. DEHA in cling film leaches into oily foods on contact. It releases dioxins in manufacture and as it ages and weathers.

Uses - clear food and non-food packaging, shrink wrap, deli and meat wrap, medical tubing, blood bags, shampoo bottles, wire and cable insulation, construction products like pipes, fittings, windows, carpet backing, synthetic leather, shower curtains, dashboards, outdoor furniture and in plumbing.

this is the least recyclable plastic , but can be used in packaging, gutters, mud flaps, flooring, electrical boxes and cables , traffic cones, garden hose, and decking.

recycling rate - > 1%

4. LOW DENSITY POLYETHYLENE ( LDPE )

Appears to be safe. Uses - bread and frozen food bags, plastic food wrap, sandwich bags, condiment squeeze bottles, clothing, furniture, and carpet. coatings for paper milk cartons, hot and cold beverage cups, and toys . It has excellent resistance to acids and vegetable oils, and is popular where heat sealing is necessary.

Recycling uses more energy than producing the new product. However, when used, products include rubbish bags and bins, compost bins, floor tiles, furniture, lumber and landscape timber, and shipping envelopes.

recycling rate - >1%

5. POLYPROPYLENE ( PP)

Appears to be safe.

Uses - yoghurt pots and margarine tubs, cereal box liners, straws, crisp bags, syrup and condiment squeeze bottles, takeout meal and deli food containers, medicine bottles, bottle caps and closures, automotive parts, packing tape, tupperware, and new BPA-free baby bottles. It has a high melting point which makes it good for containing hot liquids.

recycled products include brooms, brushes, ice scrapers, oil funnels, rakes, bike racks, car battery cases, battery cables, rakes, bins and pallets.

recycle rate - 3%

6. POLYSTYRENE ( PS )

May leach styrene ( heat increases the leaching effect - think hot cars left in the sun !), a possible human carcinogen, and may be a hormone disruptor.

Uses - meat and poultry trays, egg cartons, rigid food containers such as yoghurt pots, hinged takeout containers ( clamshells ), some citrus juice and ketchup bottles, oven baking bags, food service items such as plates, cutlery, cups and bowls, aspirin bottles, packaging peanuts, cd and dvd cases, protective packaging.

Recycled products include foam packaging, foam plates, etc, thermal insulation, egg cartons, light switch pates, thermometers, and rulers.

recycle rate - >1%

Polystyrene is eaten by birds and animals, and causes suffering and death.

7. OTHER

This indicates that either a number of different resins were used, perhaps in a multi - layer system, or resins other than those identified above were used. It is a catch-all category.

There is concern that there is leaching of Bisphonol A which appears to cause chromosomal damage.

Uses vary , and it can be recycled into bottles and plastic lumber.

recycle rate - > 1%


In Conclusion, and on a personal note  I really can't comprehend the amount of plastic that is polluting our environment. You can see from the figures above that much cannot be recycled, and that any is recycled acts in just the same way as any plastic when it gets old and unwanted.  It's like some alien being,  polluting and poisoning us, which just keeps reproducing - and like a cancer ( !!! ) -  it doesn't die ! It doesn't break down. It has a different life cycle entirely. It's the stuff of science fiction and horror stories.  Every time we buy the stuff we are voting with our wallets for more.  Let us as buyers beware . Do we really want to be ingesting this stuff ?  And do we honestly think there will be no consequences in putting inorganic substances into our organic bodies ? Would anyone honestly want to drink the petrol that we put in our cars in preference to the food we grow in our gardens ? Because in effect we are taking our meat and two veg with a side order of plastics and petroleum.   The lunatics have truly taken over the asylum .

SOURCES :-

http://www.plasticfreebottles.com/

www.ides.com/plasticrecyclingcodes

http://www.ehow.co.uk/

http://www.americanchemistry.com/

www.mindfully.org/Plastic-Out-Diet 16 November 04

http://www.suite101.com/

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE TICKLIST

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I wrote a list of all the things I was doing and had changed in my life to create health. It acted as a motivator and as a form of reassurance that I was doing things differently - and if you do things differently it stands to reason that you get different results. I wanted my body to get a different result - I wanted my body to get rid of the cancer and embrace a healthy state of being. That list has changed over the years. Many things on it are so second nature and part of my life that I have forgotten that I didn't always do them. I can't even remember some of them. It's also true to say that I fell off the wagon a little last year when I was helping to look after my father-in-law, and it is very difficult to go back to doing some of the things as religiously as I was once I've stopped doing them. Juicing , for instance. But it's the start of a new year, and I'm back on track and going for it.



I have read a lot about goal setting. There seems to be a lot of research on brain science going on at the moment and it's all fascinating stuff.There are numerous people writing books on the subject, and I have pulled out a few pointers that seem to be keys for me - newly found, or re-learnt ancient wisdom !

• Firstly, make the goals easily achievable. That means underestimate what you can achieve. It's easy whilst thinking about what you need to achieve to be lulled into the belief that you are motivated, energetic, and superman, and that you can meet your targets, all your targets, in no time flat.This is rarely the case and the best of us have bad days and setbacks. If you make your goal easily achievable then you have far fewer setbacks, far less sense of failure, and less demotivation. So my goals are ones that are easy to exceed, then I can give myself a pat on the back. I've not just achieved, I've surpassed myself. And I'm likely to sustain the effort past January 10Th !!


• Secondly, plan for the long term. That means that I'm not just trying to get from A to Z in the shortest time possible. A to Z is a long trip. Why overwhelm myself ? I'm going to take it one step at a time, and I will plan with a long time frame in mind. So it might take a few months - maybe years - but I'll get there and I'll enjoy the journey - I'll enjoy the scenery as I go. After all it's not the destination that's important, but the travelling and the sights and experiences on the way - the living of it. So I plan with a destination in mind, but not a destination that I'll never reach, and a time frame, but one that is long term and achievable.

• Some people suggest starting a project with a specific goal and where you want to be , and then decide on a target end date. The plan is to then break down the time between start and finish into steps - perhaps weekly, perhaps monthly - whatever suits - and determine what needs to be achieved by each step. Like stepping stones you eventually end up having achieved all that needs to be done in order to reach your end goal and Viola, you've got from A to Z . I've tried this before and I think that whilst it is appropriate for some goals, it's just not right for all goals. Certainly not with a health goal in mind. Having an end date for my project of health has burdened me in the past with expectations ( I wanted the tumours gone !! ), and not everything in life conforms to expectations. And disappointment is DEMOTIVATING !!! There's no room for demotivation in my quest for health, so I simply plan with an open ticket - a no fixed date termination. I suppose that's to do with the nature of my goal which is life and its enjoyment.


• Keep the goals simple. Life is complicated enough. My tick list is simplicity itself, and it is visual and easy to read.


• Concentrate on the positives and what you are achieving, and not on failure. After all, it's what you do consistently that matters, not the little blips. And I have found that concentrating on the negatives makes them bigger. You get more of what you concentrate on. It's something to do with how the brain works, and all those chemicals we are constantly shooting round our bodies. Don't ask me the specifics because it's a little complicated and time consuming ! Just trust me on this - from a girl who can see the glass half empty at least as easily as half full.


• Reward yourself with praise and acknowledgement of what you have achieved. Let's look at what we're doing well. And let's re-frame our difficulties and acknowledge them as challenges. And they are just part of the journey, part of the scenery, and they change over time. Things I thought I could NEVER do - like juicing and drinking six 250 ml bottles of vegetable juice daily ( just not presently ! ) did become part of my daily routine - and will be again. But when I first read about the Gerson Treatment I thought that there was never going to be any way to even attempt it because I struggled to make juice at all.

There's loads more I've read and learnt, but this post wasn't meant to be a manual on how to set goals. Suffice to say this is how I manage my goal-setting. This is what I do to keep myself on track.

So for the first week of the New Year, these are the items on my tick list

1. DEEP BREATHING - ( THROUGH THE BONES )


2. DRINK 1 TBSP ESSIAC TEA


3. TAKE ARIMIDEX TABLET


4. PLAN THE DAY


5. JOURNAL


6. DRINK LOTS OF WATER


7. BLOG


8. LAUGH AND HAVE FUN


9. CONNECT WITH PEOPLE


10. MEDITATE - ( PINK LIGHT )

At the bottom of the page are the following

• NO CAFFEINE


• NO DAIRY


• NO MEAT

These are easily achievable for me, and a good place to start. They are part of my daily routine, and it's good to have a row of ticks. It's also good not to have a bunch of other things on the list with no ticks at all ! It's a small list this week which I'm happy about. It's about a new beginning, and it's about keeping it simple. I'll go through and explain why and how I do these things in the next few posts, and rest assured I'll be adding in other things as time goes on. Join me if you feel up to it. Obviously not everything is appropriate for everyone else - you wouldn't be wanting to take Arimidex if you didn't have to, and Essiac Tea isn't essential ( it is sometimes recommended for cancer patients and it supports the liver, but there are other ways to do that and less expensive ways also ! ) I am documenting my own idiosyncratic health promoting lifestyle improvements, but most of them would benefit anyone. Who could argue with making laughter and fun a priority. Making love and connection a priority. And anyone who has cut out dairy, meat and/or caffeine will heartily endorse the health and energy benefits of doing so.

My list will end up a long one, but that's because I like a compelling reason to believe I have changed myself - my body chemistry - my circumstances. The definition of madness is to continue to do the same thing over again and expect different results. My tick list is visual proof that I have changed some fundamental circumstances. I'm hoping to step it up a notch this year, and I need all the encouragement I can get. My tick list has served that purpose in the past and I believe it will continue to do just that. So although it may seem daunting, it only takes moments to fill it in and I get a big kick out of all the gold stars I award myself, and the visual reference it gives me.

WHY BLOG ?

This question has caused me some hesitation over the last year. You might notice that I stopped any regular posting. But I'm making blogging part of my New Years resolution, and I think I should tell myself why I choose to blog.

I don't know why others blog. Some do it to run in tandem with a business. I don't run a business and really wouldn't have the energy to try. Some blog to keep in touch and to let others know what's going on in their lives. Some blog , as I have , to keep an online journal and record of their progress toward some goal, or to pass on information. Some blog for amusement and fun. There must be hundreds of reasons for others to blog. I am only really interested at the moment in why I am blogging and the reasons are

• To act as a motivator to keep me on track toward my goal of health and enjoying life.
• To act as a memory saver - to remind me of what I've learned.
• To pass on any information I think might be useful to whoever may stumble serendipitously upon this blog
• To give myself a purpose - important in the healing process.
• To give myself some kudos. I was at a lunch just before Christmas chatting to my neighbour and was asked what I did. My immediate response was "Housewife " ! Not Homemaker, Not any of the numerous roles I fulfil in my life. Just lowly HOUSEWIFE . Wife to a house. And as that was a gut reaction - so fast I didn't have time to think - it's a cry from my unconscious. So I am a writer if I write a blog. And I'm published - around the world ! Maybe not read, but certainly published to my mind. So perhaps another reason to blog is for self respect. Whether my unconscious will take this on board is another matter !
• I think also that blogging gives a feeling of connection. Perhaps not to many individually - it is cyberspace after all, but it is a connection to the universe.
• Blogging helps me feel part of the culture. Not a total geriatric dinosaur. And I really don't want to picture myself as some old geezer who looks like something the cat dug up that should really have been left in the ground.
• I am not a great blogger, my writing style could be better, and I don't at the moment know how to put on photo's or videos. There's lots to learn. I believe there are two mental states my mind habituates and they are fear and growth. If I am learning something my mind is occupied, I am engaged, and I am positive in my outlook. If I am fearful, my mind is filled with dread, anxiety and thoughts of possible dire futures - not the present moment - and I am in a very negative frame of mind. I choose - as often as possible - to be in an open, engaged positive state of mind and I occupy that state while blogging.
• Lastly, I want to blog for amusement and fun. One of my targets for this year is to fill my life with fun and laughter. And I don't find it easy knowing where to start with that. So I'm watching comedians on TV; I'm watching romantic comedies on the DVD and funny videos on YouTube. I'm playing Monopoly with my family and connecting with friends who are fun. And I'm blogging.

These are my justifications for blogging. For taking the time to sit in front of a computer screen and write to myself. They're OK with me.

ANOTHER YEAR BEGINS

It's the start of another year, and I am blessed to be able to experience it. I don't normally do New Year resolutions, but I am drawn to them this year, once again. I suppose it's the thrill of filling in a new calender and diary. I also keep a tick list of what I do to enhance my health and I'm starting that all over again - from point zero. I have a new book from Paper Chase to enter my goals and ticks, and I love using new stationery ! And that puts me in the mood for new beginnings. So here I sit in front of my computer pondering on the start of another year.

New Years can start at any time of the year, and on any day. They can be very personal. Mine often starts in September and follows the school year. It could just as soon start in February, on my birthday, or on the Chinese New Year. It could start in March with the start of the new growing season in the garden. It could start on the 21st of June - the longest day of the year, or midsummer's night. It could start in July when schools close and we start our summer holidays. New Years Day is , to me , quite an arbitrary day. I pick and choose it for myself. But the Western world follows a calender that decrees that New Years day is officially the first of January. And I'm going with that at the moment. But it's comforting to know that should I get discouraged and feel that I've not lived up to my potential and that I've lost my way I can always start again without having to wait for next January to roll around.

Thinking of when my New Year starts has set me thinking of when my week should start. Once again, it's quite arbitrary. My calender likes to think the week starts on Sunday. My diary starts the week on Monday. I have had calenders in the past that start the week on Saturday. But I don't have to follow the dictates of society at large. I can choose for myself when my week starts, and I have started to think that this decision will influence how the week goes. If I choose to start my week on a Monday , as I always have in the past, then the emphasis is on housework. What I have to get done between Monday and Friday so that I can enjoy the weekend work-free. I've spent a few years now spending Mondays gardening, but it is still on my list of "things to do and appointments to keep " . I could start my week on a Saturday. That would show that my priorities are with spending time with my family. But I would spend it waiting on my family - waiting for my husband to come back from golf, and waiting for my daughter to get out of bed. I can't say that I much relish the thought of starting my week in limbo. I could start the week on Sunday. I love Sundays. It's a family day. I spend Sunday morning with my husband and at some point after lunch my daughter joins us and we perhaps do something together. But I still spend time waiting for my daughter to get up. So I'm still feeling a little bit left on hold. I could start my week on Friday. I sometimes do a class in flower arranging on a Friday morning. So that would be doing something fun and creative and for the house. I then do laundry in the afternoon. Sometimes I shop for groceries if I'm disorganised, but I hate shopping in the supermarket on Fridays when it's full of the retired and elderly. Starting on a Friday gives me a build-up to the weekend which is my favourite part of the week when I spend it with my family. A Thursday start could also work. I would have Thursday to tidy the house and shop for groceries, Friday to prettify the house, and then spend the weekend with family. Or perhaps a Tuesday or a Wednesday would be good days to start as these are days that are largely free and I choose how I fill them. But they can be lonely and isolating days. It turns out that although I believe the day I start my week on will be influential in determining the mood of the week, it is not as simple to choose a day as I thought. I think I'll sleep on it and decide another time. I don't need to decide this week. My husband starts his week on Tuesday this week. My daughter starts hers on Wednesday. I may need a day or two later to get back into my routine and start my week again. My work-week. And that brings me back to Monday where I would be in sync with the rest of my culture. It's food for thought anyway, but food for another time I think.

I would just like to wish anyone reading this a very Happy New Year. One filled with joy and laughter, with family and friends, with comfort and peace, and with the best of health both physical and spiritual. May 2011 be a most auspicious and treasure filled year for us all.

Making Plans

Yesterday I received the results of my recent scan, and I am DELIGHTED to report that all is still stable. I can't express my relief. I recently lost a dear friend to Breast Cancer, a friend who also fought the good fight with diet and lifestyle changes. She battled to the end and it saddens me greatly that the world has lost such a huge spirit. This disease is just too cruel for words, and as there are no words, I will speak of more optimistic things.



Recently I was persuaded by my friend Susan to tell a group of friends about my lifestyle changes and to show how anyone can follow suite. I have now given a few of these talks. I started with a very intensive day demonstrating juicing and how to make smoothies and sorbets, how and why to sprout seeds, and the advantages of incorporating more raw foods into our meal plans. I made a raw lunch which if I'm honest took 2 days to prepare. The feedback I received was very favourable with the only complaint being that it was perhaps too information - dense ( I did want to give value for money ! ) I followed up on this one with a day dedicated to indoor gardening which included a demonstration and talk on the wonderful world of sprouting seeds. I demonstrated the different seed sprouters on the market, ranging from a jar to the high-tech EasyGreen electrical sprouter that waters and rinses the seeds automatically. Everyone had the opportunity to purchase seeds for sprouting at home and we all sowed sunflower seeds and peas in seed trays to take home to grow on for green shoots.



This term I started a course called Healthy Lifestyle Choices, a series of six talks and demonstrations which runs fortnightly. The sessions involve explanations, and demonstrations.

• In week one I talked about our fabulous body, our cells, our energy. I brought in my own juicer and my blender and demonstrated a juice or smoothie - my memory fails me here. I do remember I didn't have enough time to do everything I had wanted to do.


• In week two I talked about the bodies PH and about acidity and alkalinity. I demonstrated making a juice with a blender for those who don't have a juicer. I also demonstrated a hummus or guacamole or tapenade - my memory deserts me again and I offered recipes for these. The plan was to offer alternatives for snacks and spreads for lunch, and for wholefood salad dressings.


• In week three I talked about meat and dairy. It was at this point that I was preparing for my scan and it was also just very shortly after my dear friend passed away. As a consequence, I tried to make a very compelling case for avoiding, or reducing the quantity of dairy and meat we eat, or at the least being aware of what we put in our mouths. I believe it came as a bit of a surprise to some of my listeners. I just hope they return ! I demonstrated a nut cheese ( which can be used as a substitute for cheese, or butter ) and an avocado based lime pudding with nut crumble and nut cream. Thankfully there was no-one present with a nut allergy. ( I had emailed out asking to be informed of allergies prior to the start of the course, but as I received no replies it has given me carte blanche )


• Week four's plan is to talk about the glycaemic index, and the effect of sugar on our bodies. The demonstration will be a lentil loaf with a vegan gravy. This is a very versatile recipe which can be served warm with gravy, or cold as a pate or sandwich filling. It is cooked, but dark nights and cold weather call for warmer foods, and raw foods will now have to wait for the sunshine of Spring. The vegan gravy recipe is very meaty in ? what's the word ? feel ? As I did a job of criticising too much animal protein in the diet, the plan is to offer easy and delicious alternatives.


• Week five will be about the wonderful brain, and hormones and freely circulating chemicals, and their effects on our physical bodies ( what other kind of bodies do we have !! ) I'll be sharing the information I have on how wondrous the whole symphony of the body is, and how genes do not always determine destiny. I am intending to also talk about the benefits of meditation and relaxation and pass on some of my favourite techniques and resources. I'm really excited about this one. I am undecided about the weeks recipe for this one at this stage. Time may prove tight if I demonstrate some of the techniques I'd like to. I think I'll have a better feel for it on the day, but will go armed with a recipe and ingredients and see how time goes.


• The plan for week six is to talk about some of the hazards in our environments. This was the most overwhelming issue for me to take on board, and the most recent. I'm certainly not an expert, but I will be passing on what I have learnt so far. As it is the last session before Christmas, I thought it would be nice if everyone could take something away with them. I make my own moisturizers and scrubs and the plan is for us all to make some to take away. I will bring in some pretty little pots, and there will be gift-wrap suggestions from my friend Susan who is a gifted floral artist and florist.

It hadn't been my intention to carry on and do any more sessions after this last one, but as I've had very positive feedback, and more importantly, my scan result was reassuring I would certainly consider continuing for another few sessions. I think what I have learned from this experience is that there is a lot we the public don't know about nourishing ourselves, and I mean nourishing in its widest meaning. I sometimes forget that the knowledge I have gained with such difficulty wasn't always widely available, and that others are in the position I was in prior to diagnosis. Of course the reason for doing the demonstrations and talks was precisely because it was so difficult to take on this information, and as the opportunity arose I jumped at the chance to pass it on to others. The adage An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is just so true !! But occasionally, I feel so settled in my new lifestyle that I am sometimes momentarily puzzled that others don't know what I do and act accordingly. I am also sometimes extremely frustrated by this - when I'm in the supermarket, or trying to find something on a restaurant menu for example !

The other thing I'm learning is not to try to cram so much information into two short hours !! I want desperately to pass on this information while I can, and cancer is my constant companion, sitting on my shoulder. It is a motivator to act now, act quickly whilst I have energy and am well. It is also a demotivator, always there and never giving any hints about how far ahead I can plan. As a consequence I operate within a shorter time-frame than most other people. I have been trying to pass on the most important information as efficiently and succinctly as possible in my talks and demonstrations, but perhaps I'm in danger of overwhelming people, as I've overwhelmed myself in the past. So perhaps a little recapping may be in order. And the advantage of recapping is that the information all starts to dovetail into itself. It's all interconnected, but you just need to have a basic understanding of the bits before you see that they do all fit together.

I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARBIE WORLD

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world. I'm all plastic.It's fantastic.






The words are ringing around in my head at the minute. Why ? Because I live in a plastic world. Can't get away from it. I live in a world that is cushioned and padded and far removed from the world others inhabit. I was watching a series of programmes on TV called Blood Sweat and Luxuries which follows a group of young adults who find out how their consumer goods are produced. They have travelled the world taking on jobs in the industries that manufacture our merchandise, working alongside their foreign counterparts. They experience the third world lifestyle which produces the cheap goods we are all enjoying. Things like cheap trainers, gold and jewelry, computers,etc. A large part of the cost of our affordable luxuries is paid for by these workers who are on minimal wages living in squalid conditions. We are unaware of their living conditions because they live half way around the world. Out of sight, out of mind. We have passed laws to prevent our own people being abused by industry. We have raised the nations standard of living. We have health care for all, a benefits system that ensures the weak and frail and unfortunate can enjoy a dignified life, and laws that ensure more than fair working conditions for all., with a legal system to enforce it. Industry it seems has not so much taken this on board and adapted to it, as simply moved on - moved further afield. I used to lament that we had lost our manufacturing industry. Gone were the jobs and opportunities ! Where was all our engineering expertise ! Where were our textiles. But industry is alive and well - just look at the staggering stuff in the shops ! It's just moved abroad to where there are less ( if any ) safeguards and rights afforded the workers. Wages are cheap. Life is cheap. The industrial revolution's human cost is still being paid , just not in our own backyard.






I have taught my daughter to think about these things. I've pointed out that shops hide the true cost of their goods in the homes of workers abroad who can't possibly be paid enough when you consider the cost of the finished clothes on display. I sew, but I can't make anything for the prices they charge for the completed goods which have been shipped halfway round the world and passed through many many hands. How can so many things that were luxuries when I was young have suddenly become so cheap to produce ? Why have we become a throw-away society ? It isn't good for us. We are creating mountains of rubbish which will not break down. What's more we're shipping some of our garbage abroad ! ( I know, I know - we take in other people's garbage as well . Nuclear radioactive stuff !!! Stuff I don't want to know about or think about because my brain is too small - and that's why it's happening. There's not enough people to complain. ) There are children in foreign lands smashing up old computers and electrical goods, trying to get tiny components out to sell. Fibres of wire, tiny dots of something on a computer thingummy ( circuit board ? ) are worth the price of children running barefoot through broken glass and sharp fragments of plastic and goodness knows what else. These mountains of garbage are in places where the people have no knowledge of their potential hazards, and they don't have a say in whether the stuff gets dumped there or not. These countries are poor and are dependant on us for jobs and I dare say we pay them to take our garbage. But it means it's out of our sight.









It means we are not fully aware of the consequences of our actions or the actions of big businesses. I think it's important to start being more aware of the consequences of our purchases on the world. And this is happening. This programme has gone a long way towards making people more aware - anyone who watched it, anyway. Now we just need to have the message repeated every so often. Perhaps we are waking up. But we all have to vote with our wallets. That is the only message big companies and businesses hear.





I was looking on the Huffington Post site and an interview of Thich Nhat Hanh by Marianne Schnall caught my attention. (posted 21 May 2010 )

When we take time for relaxation and meditation, and turn off the constant drumbeat of advertising we've been inviting into our home, we find we actually need very little to be happy. We already have so many conditions for happiness that cost us nothing at all. Just take our eyes, for example. Our eyes are miraculous, they are like a pair of jewels. We only need to open them to see the blue sky, fluffy white clouds, beautiful flowers, the faces of our loved ones. Or our ears; anytime we like we can take in the sound of inspiring music, of bird songs, of a burbling stream, of the wind whistling through the pine trees. These are wonders of life, accessible to us at any moment through our eyes and ears. Our body's still healthy, our legs are healthy, and these are wonders in our very own body.

Well said indeed !

Being Happy

I was rereading some entries for earlier in the year when I was at my wits end and it strikes me I'm in a really good place right now. I'm taking the view that I have my miracle. I am healthy and alive, and I'm really enjoying it. I have been in a dark place and that was a blessing in its own way. How can you appreciate how good something is if you haven't experienced anything else ? How can you recognise warmth if it's all you've ever felt? You need to experience cold to draw a comparison, to have its quality drawn to your attention. I am very grateful to be here, to be alive, to have woken to this lovely sunny, crisp morning full of possibilities. The sun is glistening off the lawn and a group of 5 ducks has just landed in front of my window.Oops, they're off again ! There's so much activity out there. There's a wren nesting in last years floral basket that I left out over the winter and is sitting on a table over by my veg. patch. I pulled the dead plants out, leaving a little hole in the side and a wren took up residence before I did anything else with it. My untidiness has provided a home for a family ! Talk about making a virtue out of a vice - namely lazyness and untidiness ! There's so much life out there that it quickens my heart to look on it.



It's too nice a day to waste inside, so the plan is to do more work in the garden and soak up the sunshine while I can. I have some baby plants to put into my beds, and some new seeds to sow. It's all so exciting !

Gardening For This Beginner

May is nearly, though not quite half way through, but we still have frosts, and had one last night. I have started off some seedlings and my gardening year starts here. I'm starting late, but at least I'm starting ! I was given a very pretty journal for valentines day by my husband and I'm recording all things gardening in it. So far that's included a weather report since the beginning of May. It also contains my plan for the garden so that I have a crop rotation record for the future. I grew things in the beds last year - my first year of veg growing - but I didn't understand the crop rotation thing then, and my soil was brand new, so vegetable growing seriously starts this year, here and now. I have 4 beds and will allocate one each for

1. onions and greens ( salads )






2. roots






3. legumes (peas and beans )






4. brassica's ( most important for cancer fighting properties )

I will also have pots of edible flowers for my salads - I've already had some violets which I sprinkled over an avocado salad and they looked delightful. I was really pleased with myself. Unfortunately the weather had turned cold and they lost a lot of their scent by the time thought about using them and picked them.

On Bank Holiday Monday I finally got my act together and started seeds off in pots and trays. The following is what I planted :-

Tray 1

1. Kale - Scarlet, Dwarf Green Curled, and Nero de Toscana



2. Kohl Rabi



3. Turnip

Tray 2

1. Swiss Chard



2. Swede



3. Sprouting Broccoli



4. Nasturtium

Tray 3

1. Peppers - sweet, and hot



2. Leeks

Tray 4

1. Tomato - Moneymaker

Tray 5

1. Peas - Mangetout

Tray 6

1. Peas - Hurst Green Shaft ( Sugar snap ) and Kelvedon

Tray 7

1. Broad Beans



2. Dwarf Beans

Tray 8

1. Beetroot

Tray 9

1. Sunflower seeds for micro-greens

Trays 10, 11, and 12

1. Peas - as before

A tray of broad beans in pots.

So far some have come up, but not others. I'm putting them out in the greenhouse - a tiny plastic and tin thing - during the day and bringing them into the shed at night. I can't wait till they're ready to stay out all the time and be put in the ground. My beds are looking empty at the moment, but that won't last long I hope.