SOMETHING IS LOST, SOMETHING IS FOUND

POSTING AGAIN

2012-01-31T17:17:00.000Z

It has been some time since I posted regularly. This is largely because writing to my blog takes time. It also requires me to hunch over a computer and gives me bad posture and poor breathing, I also seem to have computer problems as soon as I start to use the darn thing regularly. I'm typing this on my husband's laptop on a coffee table. It's a frustrating process because the keyboard has a funny square which has gadgets included and I get all kinds of things happening when I try to use it. It moves my words to different places in the text without my being aware of having done anything. It's too clever for its own good, and it leaves out letters that my fingers think I've typed, and includes ones I never meant to press. I spend ages searching for where the cursor has jumped, and then have to thoroughly proof read the final product. But as I would like to start blogging again I'll tough it out. Do I have anything to post about ? We'll find out !!

LIFE'S A MIND GAME

2011-11-09T14:57:00.000Z

My thoughts haven't been my friends of late.This is a regular occurrence. I have negative thoughts. I tackle the problem. I'm OK and managing myself. I relax. I forget. I have negative thoughts and feel pessimistic and fearful. It's like the tides in the ocean and the pull of the moon. For me the pull is cancer. It's a regular thought which persists. The process can be likened to a labyrinth or a maze. You start out in pain and ignorance. Off you go on your journey, filling up on optimism as you near the centre, but then away the path curves and lo and behold back you arrive at the starting point - but not quite. And then on the path arcs, heading back to the centre, or a different edge,to different feelings before once more taking you back to the starting point - nearly. It's like a set dance where a pattern is traced on the floor. All the floor is covered, with the pattern eventually bringing you back to where you started. And then once more it pulls you back again for another turn around the floor. Another dance with my emotions.

Time has led to a certain complacency. I'm still here. Maybe it is just the tablets and implant that keep me well. Perhaps I can relax on the lifestyle challenges. But once the slip's made it's difficult to retrace back to the centre, back to the sweet spot where it's habit, or just how I live my life. I'm out at the edge - near my beginning - at the moment. Gained weight. Feeling stressed. Not focusing on my good health.

But it's just a phase. I touch bottom and then I'm off again on my journey.Back towards a clean and healthy body, back towards a calm and clear mind, back towards optimism and joy. The scan has shown no change and I'm washed with relief.

This is my dance, my journey, my challenge, and my adventure. I say to myself "keep your chin up. Look Up. Look Forwards. " It doesn't stop me seeing what my future may contain, but it does stop me from falling down entirely. I do keep my eyes on just the one step ahead. It's inevitable that sometimes you have to keep your focus small. But I do try to keep my eyes up and enjoy the view. It's the travelling that's important, not the destination. It's the view along the way. Not the final picture. It's the process more than the solution. Life's great tapestry is in the living now, not in the future which contains the ending. We don't read books and listen to stories to know the ending. We like the story. Otherwise books would be two pages long. The first page, and the last. Where's the fun in that ?
It'll soon be the holidays and I'm shocked at how the time has flown since last year. I'm very lucky to get another year. Another Christmas, another Autumn and Winter, another season in the garden. It's important for me to acknowledge this. Acknowledge all the positives in my life - and I do have a huge share of the great stuff in life ! It's important to stay grateful and amazed by what life offers. Don't take it for granted. That is my way back away from the fearful edges of life and back into the centre.

LIFE GOES ON

2011-11-05T11:55:00.001Z

I have just had the result from my scan and the verdict is that the cancer is still stable and that there's no change. I am relieved and restored to calmness.

I was quite anxious this time - partly due to having gained weight. I have been told things about what can happen in the future which make gaining weight around my tummy frightening. And losing weight can be equally frightening. A catch 22 of my mind. But as I have now been given more time and the reassurance that it's not the cancer growing I will take steps to lose the weight.

Did I mention I was anxious ? Of course I was. I think most people are anxious at scan time. I practice meditation, and I do it regularly. But I thought that it wasn't working and that perhaps I wasn't actually meditating. ( My memory went to pieces ! ) But last night - having had the results yesterday morning - I knew that I had been meditating, and that it had made a difference. I felt so much calmer last night. Clearly I had just become overwhelmed. I prepare myself for scans ahead of time. My oncologist asks me to remind him and request a scan when it's due. It ensures that I don't fall through any cracks. But on this occasion there was a breakdown in communication. I give him 3 weeks now to make arrangements. I don't like to give more in case I seem too eager, too demanding. But I've given less time in the past and I've had to wait longer. In itself that's not so bad, but I have worked out the timing so that scans don't fall around holiday times - summer and Christmas. Delays throw that careful management out of sync. This time my oncologist asked for a scan for three months hence. Horror ! I know logically that it means he's confident about me, but this 5 year mark has resonance with me. Add to that my weight gain ( I know most people think it's weight loss that's the problem. Perhaps I mean inches more than weight as I don't weigh myself ) and my diet slipping, and I got to a position where I wanted to know, and I wanted to know NOW !

It's a pity that I don't feel celebratory. I don't feel overjoyed, or lightened, or even happier. I can't at this point even say I truly feel relieved . I suppose that's because the scan confirms that the cancer is still there. But I don't feel numb. I don't feel pessimistic. I don't feel fatalistic. I feel calm. I feel quiet. I have peace of mind today. No fanfare. No drums. No celebration. Just a change in my ability to function, to look forward, to go about my business. And tremendous peace and calm after the turbulent and cacophonous internal storm of the past few weeks. It's been noisy in my mind. Full of apprehension and preparations for the worst.

I'm writing this so that next time I'll remember this anxiety and fear. So I'll know it's normal apprehension and not some internal "knowing" that some people think our bodies have access to ( like the idiot consultant at Harrogate for one !!! ) . One of the harder things about my cancer is knowing that I can't tell. That I won't be able to tell till things are pretty bad again. That there aren't telltale sensations in my body that can be picked up early. Though I suppose early is a relative term in cases of metastatic disease. And as there are so many forms that metastatic disease takes, my experience is different to anyone else's.

So today I am grateful. Grateful for the good news. Grateful for more time. Grateful for my health. Grateful that my life is still mine, that I can spend time with my family and friends. That I still have my Independence. That I can still enjoy the glorious days and this wonderful world. Grateful for everything that life implies - touch, taste, sight , smell, hearing, friendship and love, emotion and contentment. I am so just so grateful for time, for more time. Thank you Universe !!

IT'S CRYING TIME AGAIN

2011-11-05T11:26:00.000Z

It's scan time again. How rapidly they come around ! I had mine yesterday and what a gruelling time it is. I felt like I was on my way to my execution yesterday morning. But on reflection it's not so much an execution as a trial. And now I'm waiting for the jurie's verdict. Melodramatic it may sound. But it's very serious to me. It's akin to being on death row ( not that I have first hand experience of living on an American death row ) and waiting to hear how your appeal has gone. Has the governor pardoned me for another few months ?!!? It is melodramatic. It's the stuff of stories. But when you're living with the Sword of Damocles hanging over your belly I can assure you that at scan time it's not drama, it is deathly serious. Has the cancer awakened ? Have I roused it ? Because I can't feel it, and once I do I know it'll be at a very advanced stage. Other organs will be involved. Vital organs. And I'm oblivious until I either have serious problems or a Very expensive, Very large, Very technological machine tells me so.

Everyone in the house is affected by it. I'm stressed. They're stressed. It comes out in different ways. But it does come out. I'm emotional. I'm terrified. I can't think straight. I have no working memory to speak of. Each time it feels worse than ever. Is that right , or is it just that, like childbirth, I forget how bad it was before ? The answer's not important because if you live in the present moment it's as bad as it gets in that instant. And today it's fairly bad. I am very lucky to have survived to this point. And I'm grateful. Very grateful. Unfortunately, defining survival at this stage is about looking back. I've survived so long. That's in the bag. That's safe. But the future is uncertain. There are no guarantees. I ask if there are others like myself who are living with metastases. I sometimes get the affirmative. Sometimes I don't. One thing's for sure, there aren't so many out there that are making themselves known. That frightens me for some reason. Yes, there are some. But I am always told that all cancer's are different. I know this. But it's used as an apology for there being so comparatively few surviving with it. And I gather that there's very little research money going into finding anything to help those with metastatic disease. How comforting. Even more reason to get irritated with all those adds appealing to you to give money to cancer research to "save lives ". It's the metastatic stuff that kills you ! It's such an industry ! Going around Universities with my daughter I was struck by how many have cancer studies departments. This is a HUGE industry worth mega bucks, and not just in England, Britain, or North America, but worldwide. There's not going to be a cure anytime, anytime. Can you imagine what it would do to global economies if overnight so many people were made redundant and so many drugs were not sold, so many supplements, teas and potions were unnecessary, so many carers not needed , so many doctors and specialists no longer required. All that knowledge and experience obsolete. It would be devastating economically. It's just not going to happen. Clearly there's a very powerful disincentive to finding a cure for cancer ! God help us !!!!!

Anyway, just wanted to post about the fear - so that next time ( if I'm lucky enough to merely need another scan in a few months !! ) I'll remember that I'm terrified, petrified, paralysed, just not functioning - at all - like a rabbit in headlights. There aren't words for the gut wrenching distress that I feel at the prospect of my cancer awakening and the ordeal I will have to go through. All my meditation and mindfulness induced calm desert me. Or perhaps I'd really be in a twitching, gibbering, drooling, trembling and shaking state without them.

Fingers crossed for the result !!

I'M ALL PLASTIC! IT'S FANTASTIC!

2011-07-02T07:44:00.000+01:00

I first drafted the following post in July last year. Why didn't I post it ? At the time I thought that giant plastics companies would find my blog, object to what I wrote and sue my ass off ! Conspiracy theories and persecution complexes, not to mention illusions of grandeur and self importance, run amok ! On rereading the post I feel that there is nothing new in the writing. I merely pass on what I have found about plastics and leave anyone who follows this blog to make their own decisions, and pursue their own research if they have a mind to. I simply think that we should all be more aware of not only what goes into our food, but also what goes on it , what goes around it, and how it is stored. Plastics are now very much a part of our food chain.

I have been worrying about all the plastics in my environment, and warning everyone I can about the hazards of plastics leeching into any foodstuff with oil. Why ? Because plastics create pseudo- oestrogens in our bodies, and my cancer is very sensitive to oestrogen. I don't want anyone I know to develop cancer because I failed to pass on my concerns. But it has struck me that I don't know what I'm talking about really. I just blanket all plastics together. And doing that makes for a lot of worry. I'm not saying those worries are unfounded, and I will continue to avoid it as much as possible , but it's impossible to eliminate it completely without leaving the planet earth, so I've done some research. Up to present, I've been overwhelmed by all the plastic that makes up my world and whilst I've known there are different types, it has been easiest for me to blanket them all together. But the time has come to face my fears and find out which are the better choices, and which are the worst. I can't do anything about their existence, or what they are used for. If I don't want my hummus wrapped in a little plastic pot from the supermarket I'll have to make it myself. But information is power and I'm going to arm myself as well as I can. Not all plastics are identifiable as anything other than plastic, or manmade material. But there are ways to identify some of them.

We are all aware that plastics are widely used in the food industry, and I think we should all educate ourselves about what is in and on our foods. Plastics are not inert and totally harmless. There has long been widespread advice not to microwave food using some plastic wraps. But it's only recently that attention was directed at baby bottles, and recently advice has come out warning against putting plastic bottles of water in the freezer. As it becomes increasingly difficult to buy any foodstuff without plastic packaging, I think we should be warned against its hazards.

Hard plastic containers generally, though not always, have a code on the bottom - a number surrounded by a triangle of chasing arrows. This number is a resin identification number, and it's there due to consumer demand for some way of sorting the plastic waste for recycling. It was introduced in 1988 when the Society of Plastic Industry Inc. agreed to a voluntary coding system.

What the codes mean :-

1. POLYETHYLENE TEREPHHTHALATE (PET , PETE )

Designed for a single use only. Extended use increases the risk of leaching ( dissolves into whatever it contains ) and bacteria growth.

Uses - plastic bottles for soft drinks, water, juice, sports drinks, beer, mouthwash, salad dressings, vegetable oil and ketchup. food jars, ovenable film, microwaveable food trays, boil- in- the- bags, and oven safe food trays. cosmetic containers, textiles, monofilament, carpet strapping, and engineering mouldings.

It can be recycled and then be used for fibre, tote bags, clothing and polar fleece, food and drink containers, carpet, luggage, bean bags, rope, car bumpers, boat sails and furniture.

recycling rate - 23%

2. HIGH DENSITY POLYETHYLENE ( HDPE )
Appears to be safe. More stable than PET and safer from hormone-like chemicals.

Uses - milk, water and juice containers, yoghurt and margarine pots and tubs, cosmetic containers, shampoo, household cleaners, and laundry detergent bottles, cereal box liners, grocery, rubbish and retail bags.

It can be recycled into liquid laundry detergent, shampoo and conditioner bottles, motor oil bottles, pipe, buckets, crates, flower pots, garden edging, recycling bins, plastic lumber , floor tiles, fencing pens and white contamination suits.

recycling rate - 27%

3. VINYL (POLYVINYL CHLORIDE or PVC )

Avoid this plastic. It contains many dangerous toxins, and is nicknamed the poison plastic. Toxic additives and stabilizers such as lead and plasticisers contribute to the problem when they break down. Contains BPA and pthalates as well as DEHA (di(2-ethylhexyl)adipate) which is linked to liver cancer. DEHA in cling film leaches into oily foods on contact. It releases dioxins in manufacture and as it ages and weathers.

Uses - clear food and non-food packaging, shrink wrap, deli and meat wrap, medical tubing, blood bags, shampoo bottles, wire and cable insulation, construction products like pipes, fittings, windows, carpet backing, synthetic leather, shower curtains, dashboards, outdoor furniture and in plumbing.

this is the least recyclable plastic , but can be used in packaging, gutters, mud flaps, flooring, electrical boxes and cables , traffic cones, garden hose, and decking.

recycling rate - > 1%

4. LOW DENSITY POLYETHYLENE ( LDPE )

Appears to be safe. Uses - bread and frozen food bags, plastic food wrap, sandwich bags, condiment squeeze bottles, clothing, furniture, and carpet. coatings for paper milk cartons, hot and cold beverage cups, and toys . It has excellent resistance to acids and vegetable oils, and is popular where heat sealing is necessary.

Recycling uses more energy than producing the new product. However, when used, products include rubbish bags and bins, compost bins, floor tiles, furniture, lumber and landscape timber, and shipping envelopes.

recycling rate - >1%

5. POLYPROPYLENE ( PP)

Appears to be safe.

Uses - yoghurt pots and margarine tubs, cereal box liners, straws, crisp bags, syrup and condiment squeeze bottles, takeout meal and deli food containers, medicine bottles, bottle caps and closures, automotive parts, packing tape, tupperware, and new BPA-free baby bottles. It has a high melting point which makes it good for containing hot liquids.

recycled products include brooms, brushes, ice scrapers, oil funnels, rakes, bike racks, car battery cases, battery cables, rakes, bins and pallets.

recycle rate - 3%

6. POLYSTYRENE ( PS )

May leach styrene ( heat increases the leaching effect - think hot cars left in the sun !), a possible human carcinogen, and may be a hormone disruptor.

Uses - meat and poultry trays, egg cartons, rigid food containers such as yoghurt pots, hinged takeout containers ( clamshells ), some citrus juice and ketchup bottles, oven baking bags, food service items such as plates, cutlery, cups and bowls, aspirin bottles, packaging peanuts, cd and dvd cases, protective packaging.

Recycled products include foam packaging, foam plates, etc, thermal insulation, egg cartons, light switch pates, thermometers, and rulers.

recycle rate - >1%

Polystyrene is eaten by birds and animals, and causes suffering and death.

7. OTHER

This indicates that either a number of different resins were used, perhaps in a multi - layer system, or resins other than those identified above were used. It is a catch-all category.

There is concern that there is leaching of Bisphonol A which appears to cause chromosomal damage.

Uses vary , and it can be recycled into bottles and plastic lumber.

recycle rate - > 1%

In Conclusion, and on a personal note I really can't comprehend the amount of plastic that is polluting our environment. You can see from the figures above that much cannot be recycled, and that any is recycled acts in just the same way as any plastic when it gets old and unwanted. It's like some alien being, polluting and poisoning us, which just keeps reproducing - and like a cancer ( !!! ) - it doesn't die ! It doesn't break down. It has a different life cycle entirely. It's the stuff of science fiction and horror stories. Every time we buy the stuff we are voting with our wallets for more. Let us as buyers beware . Do we really want to be ingesting this stuff ? And do we honestly think there will be no consequences in putting inorganic substances into our organic bodies ? Would anyone honestly want to drink the petrol that we put in our cars in preference to the food we grow in our gardens ? Because in effect we are taking our meat and two veg with a side order of plastics and petroleum. The lunatics have truly taken over the asylum .

SOURCES :-

http://www.plasticfreebottles.com/

www.ides.com/plasticrecyclingcodes

http://www.ehow.co.uk/

http://www.americanchemistry.com/

www.mindfully.org/Plastic-Out-Diet 16 November 04

http://www.suite101.com/

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE TICKLIST

2011-01-05T09:08:00.010Z

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I wrote a list of all the things I was doing and had changed in my life to create health. It acted as a motivator and as a form of reassurance that I was doing things differently - and if you do things differently it stands to reason that you get different results. I wanted my body to get a different result - I wanted my body to get rid of the cancer and embrace a healthy state of being. That list has changed over the years. Many things on it are so second nature and part of my life that I have forgotten that I didn't always do them. I can't even remember some of them. It's also true to say that I fell off the wagon a little last year when I was helping to look after my father-in-law, and it is very difficult to go back to doing some of the things as religiously as I was once I've stopped doing them. Juicing , for instance. But it's the start of a new year, and I'm back on track and going for it.

I have read a lot about goal setting. There seems to be a lot of research on brain science going on at the moment and it's all fascinating stuff.There are numerous people writing books on the subject, and I have pulled out a few pointers that seem to be keys for me - newly found, or re-learnt ancient wisdom !

Firstly, make the goals easily achievable. That means underestimate what you can achieve. It's easy whilst thinking about what you need to achieve to be lulled into the belief that you are motivated, energetic, and superman, and that you can meet your targets, all your targets, in no time flat.This is rarely the case and the best of us have bad days and setbacks. If you make your goal easily achievable then you have far fewer setbacks, far less sense of failure, and less demotivation. So my goals are ones that are easy to exceed, then I can give myself a pat on the back. I've not just achieved, I've surpassed myself. And I'm likely to sustain the effort past January 10Th !!

Secondly, plan for the long term. That means that I'm not just trying to get from A to Z in the shortest time possible. A to Z is a long trip. Why overwhelm myself ? I'm going to take it one step at a time, and I will plan with a long time frame in mind. So it might take a few months - maybe years - but I'll get there and I'll enjoy the journey - I'll enjoy the scenery as I go. After all it's not the destination that's important, but the travelling and the sights and experiences on the way - the living of it. So I plan with a destination in mind, but not a destination that I'll never reach, and a time frame, but one that is long term and achievable.

Some people suggest starting a project with a specific goal and where you want to be , and then decide on a target end date. The plan is to then break down the time between start and finish into steps - perhaps weekly, perhaps monthly - whatever suits - and determine what needs to be achieved by each step. Like stepping stones you eventually end up having achieved all that needs to be done in order to reach your end goal and Viola, you've got from A to Z . I've tried this before and I think that whilst it is appropriate for some goals, it's just not right for all goals. Certainly not with a health goal in mind. Having an end date for my project of health has burdened me in the past with expectations ( I wanted the tumours gone !! ), and not everything in life conforms to expectations. And disappointment is DEMOTIVATING !!! There's no room for demotivation in my quest for health, so I simply plan with an open ticket - a no fixed date termination. I suppose that's to do with the nature of my goal which is life and its enjoyment.

Keep the goals simple. Life is complicated enough. My tick list is simplicity itself, and it is visual and easy to read.

Concentrate on the positives and what you are achieving, and not on failure. After all, it's what you do consistently that matters, not the little blips. And I have found that concentrating on the negatives makes them bigger. You get more of what you concentrate on. It's something to do with how the brain works, and all those chemicals we are constantly shooting round our bodies. Don't ask me the specifics because it's a little complicated and time consuming ! Just trust me on this - from a girl who can see the glass half empty at least as easily as half full.

Reward yourself with praise and acknowledgement of what you have achieved. Let's look at what we're doing well. And let's re-frame our difficulties and acknowledge them as challenges. And they are just part of the journey, part of the scenery, and they change over time. Things I thought I could NEVER do - like juicing and drinking six 250 ml bottles of vegetable juice daily ( just not presently ! ) did become part of my daily routine - and will be again. But when I first read about the Gerson Treatment I thought that there was never going to be any way to even attempt it because I struggled to make juice at all.

There's loads more I've read and learnt, but this post wasn't meant to be a manual on how to set goals. Suffice to say this is how I manage my goal-setting. This is what I do to keep myself on track.

So for the first week of the New Year, these are the items on my tick list

DEEP BREATHING - ( THROUGH THE BONES )

DRINK 1 TBSP ESSIAC TEA

TAKE ARIMIDEX TABLET

PLAN THE DAY

JOURNAL

DRINK LOTS OF WATER

BLOG

LAUGH AND HAVE FUN

CONNECT WITH PEOPLE

MEDITATE - ( PINK LIGHT )

At the bottom of the page are the following

NO CAFFEINE

NO DAIRY

NO MEAT

These are easily achievable for me, and a good place to start. They are part of my daily routine, and it's good to have a row of ticks. It's also good not to have a bunch of other things on the list with no ticks at all ! It's a small list this week which I'm happy about. It's about a new beginning, and it's about keeping it simple. I'll go through and explain why and how I do these things in the next few posts, and rest assured I'll be adding in other things as time goes on. Join me if you feel up to it. Obviously not everything is appropriate for everyone else - you wouldn't be wanting to take Arimidex if you didn't have to, and Essiac Tea isn't essential ( it is sometimes recommended for cancer patients and it supports the liver, but there are other ways to do that and less expensive ways also ! ) I am documenting my own idiosyncratic health promoting lifestyle improvements, but most of them would benefit anyone. Who could argue with making laughter and fun a priority. Making love and connection a priority. And anyone who has cut out dairy, meat and/or caffeine will heartily endorse the health and energy benefits of doing so.

My list will end up a long one, but that's because I like a compelling reason to believe I have changed myself - my body chemistry - my circumstances. The definition of madness is to continue to do the same thing over again and expect different results. My tick list is visual proof that I have changed some fundamental circumstances. I'm hoping to step it up a notch this year, and I need all the encouragement I can get. My tick list has served that purpose in the past and I believe it will continue to do just that. So although it may seem daunting, it only takes moments to fill it in and I get a big kick out of all the gold stars I award myself, and the visual reference it gives me.

WHY BLOG ?

2011-01-04T09:25:00.004Z

This question has caused me some hesitation over the last year. You might notice that I stopped any regular posting. But I'm making blogging part of my New Years resolution, and I think I should tell myself why I choose to blog.

I don't know why others blog. Some do it to run in tandem with a business. I don't run a business and really wouldn't have the energy to try. Some blog to keep in touch and to let others know what's going on in their lives. Some blog , as I have , to keep an online journal and record of their progress toward some goal, or to pass on information. Some blog for amusement and fun. There must be hundreds of reasons for others to blog. I am only really interested at the moment in why I am blogging and the reasons are

To act as a motivator to keep me on track toward my goal of health and enjoying life.
To act as a memory saver - to remind me of what I've learned.
To pass on any information I think might be useful to whoever may stumble serendipitously upon this blog
To give myself a purpose - important in the healing process.
To give myself some kudos. I was at a lunch just before Christmas chatting to my neighbour and was asked what I did. My immediate response was "Housewife " ! Not Homemaker, Not any of the numerous roles I fulfil in my life. Just lowly HOUSEWIFE . Wife to a house. And as that was a gut reaction - so fast I didn't have time to think - it's a cry from my unconscious. So I am a writer if I write a blog. And I'm published - around the world ! Maybe not read, but certainly published to my mind. So perhaps another reason to blog is for self respect. Whether my unconscious will take this on board is another matter !
I think also that blogging gives a feeling of connection. Perhaps not to many individually - it is cyberspace after all, but it is a connection to the universe.
Blogging helps me feel part of the culture. Not a total geriatric dinosaur. And I really don't want to picture myself as some old geezer who looks like something the cat dug up that should really have been left in the ground.
I am not a great blogger, my writing style could be better, and I don't at the moment know how to put on photo's or videos. There's lots to learn. I believe there are two mental states my mind habituates and they are fear and growth. If I am learning something my mind is occupied, I am engaged, and I am positive in my outlook. If I am fearful, my mind is filled with dread, anxiety and thoughts of possible dire futures - not the present moment - and I am in a very negative frame of mind. I choose - as often as possible - to be in an open, engaged positive state of mind and I occupy that state while blogging.
Lastly, I want to blog for amusement and fun. One of my targets for this year is to fill my life with fun and laughter. And I don't find it easy knowing where to start with that. So I'm watching comedians on TV; I'm watching romantic comedies on the DVD and funny videos on YouTube. I'm playing Monopoly with my family and connecting with friends who are fun. And I'm blogging.

These are my justifications for blogging. For taking the time to sit in front of a computer screen and write to myself. They're OK with me.

ANOTHER YEAR BEGINS

2011-01-03T13:38:00.010Z

It's the start of another year, and I am blessed to be able to experience it. I don't normally do New Year resolutions, but I am drawn to them this year, once again. I suppose it's the thrill of filling in a new calender and diary. I also keep a tick list of what I do to enhance my health and I'm starting that all over again - from point zero. I have a new book from Paper Chase to enter my goals and ticks, and I love using new stationery ! And that puts me in the mood for new beginnings. So here I sit in front of my computer pondering on the start of another year.

New Years can start at any time of the year, and on any day. They can be very personal. Mine often starts in September and follows the school year. It could just as soon start in February, on my birthday, or on the Chinese New Year. It could start in March with the start of the new growing season in the garden. It could start on the 21st of June - the longest day of the year, or midsummer's night. It could start in July when schools close and we start our summer holidays. New Years Day is , to me , quite an arbitrary day. I pick and choose it for myself. But the Western world follows a calender that decrees that New Years day is officially the first of January. And I'm going with that at the moment. But it's comforting to know that should I get discouraged and feel that I've not lived up to my potential and that I've lost my way I can always start again without having to wait for next January to roll around.

Thinking of when my New Year starts has set me thinking of when my week should start. Once again, it's quite arbitrary. My calender likes to think the week starts on Sunday. My diary starts the week on Monday. I have had calenders in the past that start the week on Saturday. But I don't have to follow the dictates of society at large. I can choose for myself when my week starts, and I have started to think that this decision will influence how the week goes. If I choose to start my week on a Monday , as I always have in the past, then the emphasis is on housework. What I have to get done between Monday and Friday so that I can enjoy the weekend work-free. I've spent a few years now spending Mondays gardening, but it is still on my list of "things to do and appointments to keep " . I could start my week on a Saturday. That would show that my priorities are with spending time with my family. But I would spend it waiting on my family - waiting for my husband to come back from golf, and waiting for my daughter to get out of bed. I can't say that I much relish the thought of starting my week in limbo. I could start the week on Sunday. I love Sundays. It's a family day. I spend Sunday morning with my husband and at some point after lunch my daughter joins us and we perhaps do something together. But I still spend time waiting for my daughter to get up. So I'm still feeling a little bit left on hold. I could start my week on Friday. I sometimes do a class in flower arranging on a Friday morning. So that would be doing something fun and creative and for the house. I then do laundry in the afternoon. Sometimes I shop for groceries if I'm disorganised, but I hate shopping in the supermarket on Fridays when it's full of the retired and elderly. Starting on a Friday gives me a build-up to the weekend which is my favourite part of the week when I spend it with my family. A Thursday start could also work. I would have Thursday to tidy the house and shop for groceries, Friday to prettify the house, and then spend the weekend with family. Or perhaps a Tuesday or a Wednesday would be good days to start as these are days that are largely free and I choose how I fill them. But they can be lonely and isolating days. It turns out that although I believe the day I start my week on will be influential in determining the mood of the week, it is not as simple to choose a day as I thought. I think I'll sleep on it and decide another time. I don't need to decide this week. My husband starts his week on Tuesday this week. My daughter starts hers on Wednesday. I may need a day or two later to get back into my routine and start my week again. My work-week. And that brings me back to Monday where I would be in sync with the rest of my culture. It's food for thought anyway, but food for another time I think.

I would just like to wish anyone reading this a very Happy New Year. One filled with joy and laughter, with family and friends, with comfort and peace, and with the best of health both physical and spiritual. May 2011 be a most auspicious and treasure filled year for us all.

Making Plans

2010-10-16T08:00:00.014+01:00

Yesterday I received the results of my recent scan, and I am DELIGHTED to report that all is still stable. I can't express my relief. I recently lost a dear friend to Breast Cancer, a friend who also fought the good fight with diet and lifestyle changes. She battled to the end and it saddens me greatly that the world has lost such a huge spirit. This disease is just too cruel for words, and as there are no words, I will speak of more optimistic things.

Recently I was persuaded by my friend Susan to tell a group of friends about my lifestyle changes and to show how anyone can follow suite. I have now given a few of these talks. I started with a very intensive day demonstrating juicing and how to make smoothies and sorbets, how and why to sprout seeds, and the advantages of incorporating more raw foods into our meal plans. I made a raw lunch which if I'm honest took 2 days to prepare. The feedback I received was very favourable with the only complaint being that it was perhaps too information - dense ( I did want to give value for money ! ) I followed up on this one with a day dedicated to indoor gardening which included a demonstration and talk on the wonderful world of sprouting seeds. I demonstrated the different seed sprouters on the market, ranging from a jar to the high-tech EasyGreen electrical sprouter that waters and rinses the seeds automatically. Everyone had the opportunity to purchase seeds for sprouting at home and we all sowed sunflower seeds and peas in seed trays to take home to grow on for green shoots.

This term I started a course called Healthy Lifestyle Choices, a series of six talks and demonstrations which runs fortnightly. The sessions involve explanations, and demonstrations.

In week one I talked about our fabulous body, our cells, our energy. I brought in my own juicer and my blender and demonstrated a juice or smoothie - my memory fails me here. I do remember I didn't have enough time to do everything I had wanted to do.

In week two I talked about the bodies PH and about acidity and alkalinity. I demonstrated making a juice with a blender for those who don't have a juicer. I also demonstrated a hummus or guacamole or tapenade - my memory deserts me again and I offered recipes for these. The plan was to offer alternatives for snacks and spreads for lunch, and for wholefood salad dressings.

In week three I talked about meat and dairy. It was at this point that I was preparing for my scan and it was also just very shortly after my dear friend passed away. As a consequence, I tried to make a very compelling case for avoiding, or reducing the quantity of dairy and meat we eat, or at the least being aware of what we put in our mouths. I believe it came as a bit of a surprise to some of my listeners. I just hope they return ! I demonstrated a nut cheese ( which can be used as a substitute for cheese, or butter ) and an avocado based lime pudding with nut crumble and nut cream. Thankfully there was no-one present with a nut allergy. ( I had emailed out asking to be informed of allergies prior to the start of the course, but as I received no replies it has given me carte blanche )

Week four's plan is to talk about the glycaemic index, and the effect of sugar on our bodies. The demonstration will be a lentil loaf with a vegan gravy. This is a very versatile recipe which can be served warm with gravy, or cold as a pate or sandwich filling. It is cooked, but dark nights and cold weather call for warmer foods, and raw foods will now have to wait for the sunshine of Spring. The vegan gravy recipe is very meaty in ? what's the word ? feel ? As I did a job of criticising too much animal protein in the diet, the plan is to offer easy and delicious alternatives.

Week five will be about the wonderful brain, and hormones and freely circulating chemicals, and their effects on our physical bodies ( what other kind of bodies do we have !! ) I'll be sharing the information I have on how wondrous the whole symphony of the body is, and how genes do not always determine destiny. I am intending to also talk about the benefits of meditation and relaxation and pass on some of my favourite techniques and resources. I'm really excited about this one. I am undecided about the weeks recipe for this one at this stage. Time may prove tight if I demonstrate some of the techniques I'd like to. I think I'll have a better feel for it on the day, but will go armed with a recipe and ingredients and see how time goes.

The plan for week six is to talk about some of the hazards in our environments. This was the most overwhelming issue for me to take on board, and the most recent. I'm certainly not an expert, but I will be passing on what I have learnt so far. As it is the last session before Christmas, I thought it would be nice if everyone could take something away with them. I make my own moisturizers and scrubs and the plan is for us all to make some to take away. I will bring in some pretty little pots, and there will be gift-wrap suggestions from my friend Susan who is a gifted floral artist and florist.

It hadn't been my intention to carry on and do any more sessions after this last one, but as I've had very positive feedback, and more importantly, my scan result was reassuring I would certainly consider continuing for another few sessions. I think what I have learned from this experience is that there is a lot we the public don't know about nourishing ourselves, and I mean nourishing in its widest meaning. I sometimes forget that the knowledge I have gained with such difficulty wasn't always widely available, and that others are in the position I was in prior to diagnosis. Of course the reason for doing the demonstrations and talks was precisely because it was so difficult to take on this information, and as the opportunity arose I jumped at the chance to pass it on to others. The adage An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is just so true !! But occasionally, I feel so settled in my new lifestyle that I am sometimes momentarily puzzled that others don't know what I do and act accordingly. I am also sometimes extremely frustrated by this - when I'm in the supermarket, or trying to find something on a restaurant menu for example !

The other thing I'm learning is not to try to cram so much information into two short hours !! I want desperately to pass on this information while I can, and cancer is my constant companion, sitting on my shoulder. It is a motivator to act now, act quickly whilst I have energy and am well. It is also a demotivator, always there and never giving any hints about how far ahead I can plan. As a consequence I operate within a shorter time-frame than most other people. I have been trying to pass on the most important information as efficiently and succinctly as possible in my talks and demonstrations, but perhaps I'm in danger of overwhelming people, as I've overwhelmed myself in the past. So perhaps a little recapping may be in order. And the advantage of recapping is that the information all starts to dovetail into itself. It's all interconnected, but you just need to have a basic understanding of the bits before you see that they do all fit together.

I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARBIE WORLD

2010-05-21T06:28:00.014+01:00

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world. I'm all plastic.It's fantastic.

The words are ringing around in my head at the minute. Why ? Because I live in a plastic world. Can't get away from it. I live in a world that is cushioned and padded and far removed from the world others inhabit. I was watching a series of programmes on TV called Blood Sweat and Luxuries which follows a group of young adults who find out how their consumer goods are produced. They have travelled the world taking on jobs in the industries that manufacture our merchandise, working alongside their foreign counterparts. They experience the third world lifestyle which produces the cheap goods we are all enjoying. Things like cheap trainers, gold and jewelry, computers,etc. A large part of the cost of our affordable luxuries is paid for by these workers who are on minimal wages living in squalid conditions. We are unaware of their living conditions because they live half way around the world. Out of sight, out of mind. We have passed laws to prevent our own people being abused by industry. We have raised the nations standard of living. We have health care for all, a benefits system that ensures the weak and frail and unfortunate can enjoy a dignified life, and laws that ensure more than fair working conditions for all., with a legal system to enforce it. Industry it seems has not so much taken this on board and adapted to it, as simply moved on - moved further afield. I used to lament that we had lost our manufacturing industry. Gone were the jobs and opportunities ! Where was all our engineering expertise ! Where were our textiles. But industry is alive and well - just look at the staggering stuff in the shops ! It's just moved abroad to where there are less ( if any ) safeguards and rights afforded the workers. Wages are cheap. Life is cheap. The industrial revolution's human cost is still being paid , just not in our own backyard.

I have taught my daughter to think about these things. I've pointed out that shops hide the true cost of their goods in the homes of workers abroad who can't possibly be paid enough when you consider the cost of the finished clothes on display. I sew, but I can't make anything for the prices they charge for the completed goods which have been shipped halfway round the world and passed through many many hands. How can so many things that were luxuries when I was young have suddenly become so cheap to produce ? Why have we become a throw-away society ? It isn't good for us. We are creating mountains of rubbish which will not break down. What's more we're shipping some of our garbage abroad ! ( I know, I know - we take in other people's garbage as well . Nuclear radioactive stuff !!! Stuff I don't want to know about or think about because my brain is too small - and that's why it's happening. There's not enough people to complain. ) There are children in foreign lands smashing up old computers and electrical goods, trying to get tiny components out to sell. Fibres of wire, tiny dots of something on a computer thingummy ( circuit board ? ) are worth the price of children running barefoot through broken glass and sharp fragments of plastic and goodness knows what else. These mountains of garbage are in places where the people have no knowledge of their potential hazards, and they don't have a say in whether the stuff gets dumped there or not. These countries are poor and are dependant on us for jobs and I dare say we pay them to take our garbage. But it means it's out of our sight.

It means we are not fully aware of the consequences of our actions or the actions of big businesses. I think it's important to start being more aware of the consequences of our purchases on the world. And this is happening. This programme has gone a long way towards making people more aware - anyone who watched it, anyway. Now we just need to have the message repeated every so often. Perhaps we are waking up. But we all have to vote with our wallets. That is the only message big companies and businesses hear.

I was looking on the Huffington Post site and an interview of Thich Nhat Hanh by Marianne Schnall caught my attention. (posted 21 May 2010 )

When we take time for relaxation and meditation, and turn off the constant drumbeat of advertising we've been inviting into our home, we find we actually need very little to be happy. We already have so many conditions for happiness that cost us nothing at all. Just take our eyes, for example. Our eyes are miraculous, they are like a pair of jewels. We only need to open them to see the blue sky, fluffy white clouds, beautiful flowers, the faces of our loved ones. Or our ears; anytime we like we can take in the sound of inspiring music, of bird songs, of a burbling stream, of the wind whistling through the pine trees. These are wonders of life, accessible to us at any moment through our eyes and ears. Our body's still healthy, our legs are healthy, and these are wonders in our very own body.

Well said indeed !

Being Happy

2010-05-12T06:35:00.003+01:00

I was rereading some entries for earlier in the year when I was at my wits end and it strikes me I'm in a really good place right now. I'm taking the view that I have my miracle. I am healthy and alive, and I'm really enjoying it. I have been in a dark place and that was a blessing in its own way. How can you appreciate how good something is if you haven't experienced anything else ? How can you recognise warmth if it's all you've ever felt? You need to experience cold to draw a comparison, to have its quality drawn to your attention. I am very grateful to be here, to be alive, to have woken to this lovely sunny, crisp morning full of possibilities. The sun is glistening off the lawn and a group of 5 ducks has just landed in front of my window.Oops, they're off again ! There's so much activity out there. There's a wren nesting in last years floral basket that I left out over the winter and is sitting on a table over by my veg. patch. I pulled the dead plants out, leaving a little hole in the side and a wren took up residence before I did anything else with it. My untidiness has provided a home for a family ! Talk about making a virtue out of a vice - namely lazyness and untidiness ! There's so much life out there that it quickens my heart to look on it.

It's too nice a day to waste inside, so the plan is to do more work in the garden and soak up the sunshine while I can. I have some baby plants to put into my beds, and some new seeds to sow. It's all so exciting !

Gardening For This Beginner

2010-05-11T08:14:00.008+01:00

May is nearly, though not quite half way through, but we still have frosts, and had one last night. I have started off some seedlings and my gardening year starts here. I'm starting late, but at least I'm starting ! I was given a very pretty journal for valentines day by my husband and I'm recording all things gardening in it. So far that's included a weather report since the beginning of May. It also contains my plan for the garden so that I have a crop rotation record for the future. I grew things in the beds last year - my first year of veg growing - but I didn't understand the crop rotation thing then, and my soil was brand new, so vegetable growing seriously starts this year, here and now. I have 4 beds and will allocate one each for

onions and greens ( salads )

roots

legumes (peas and beans )

brassica's ( most important for cancer fighting properties )

I will also have pots of edible flowers for my salads - I've already had some violets which I sprinkled over an avocado salad and they looked delightful. I was really pleased with myself. Unfortunately the weather had turned cold and they lost a lot of their scent by the time thought about using them and picked them.

On Bank Holiday Monday I finally got my act together and started seeds off in pots and trays. The following is what I planted :-

Tray 1

Kale - Scarlet, Dwarf Green Curled, and Nero de Toscana

Kohl Rabi

Turnip

Tray 2

Swiss Chard

Swede

Sprouting Broccoli

Nasturtium

Tray 3

Peppers - sweet, and hot

Leeks

Tray 4

Tomato - Moneymaker

Tray 5

Peas - Mangetout

Tray 6

Peas - Hurst Green Shaft ( Sugar snap ) and Kelvedon

Tray 7

Broad Beans

Dwarf Beans

Tray 8

Beetroot

Tray 9

Sunflower seeds for micro-greens

Trays 10, 11, and 12

Peas - as before

A tray of broad beans in pots.

So far some have come up, but not others. I'm putting them out in the greenhouse - a tiny plastic and tin thing - during the day and bringing them into the shed at night. I can't wait till they're ready to stay out all the time and be put in the ground. My beds are looking empty at the moment, but that won't last long I hope.

Scan Results Time

2010-05-10T10:00:00.002+01:00

I have just had my latest scan and the results are in. I am really relieved. The scan shows no change. Everything is stable. I was really frightened that it had woken up. I have been very stressed lately and haven't been looking after myself so well. So to say I'm relieved is an understatement. So I'm going to make a fresh start ( how many times do I say that ?!) and my healthy eating demo was just the kick up the bum I needed. So here's to the next 6 months !!

A New Challenge

2010-05-10T09:39:00.003+01:00

I have just given my first demonstration of juicing, and healthy recipe making to a small group of women, hand selected by my friend who teaches and demonstrates flower arranging and floristry techniques. And it seemed to go well. So well that they have asked me to come back and teach them in a series of 2 hourly sessions. The drinks and recipes I demonstrated on the day are as follows :-

a power packed porridge
wheatgrass and apple juice
apple and beetroot juice
a virgin mary
a really good vegetable juice - recipe by Nigel Slater
a mango smoothie
a mango sorbet
a green smoothie
a quick almond nut milk
a courgette hummus.
courgette pasta
sprouting seeds

For lunch I prepared and served :-

Celeriac, carrot, and pepper salad with nut mayonaise
cauliflower cous cous
quinoa salad
green salad with raspberries
a nut "feta" cheese
lentil pate
mushroom pate
assorted sprouted seeds
no wheat mixed seed bread
sesame "raw" crackers

My friend has encouraged me to do some cookery classes, and expand on the day in 2 hourly chunks which I have agreed to . And I have suggested a healthy eating club similar to a book club, where we share healthy recipes and ideas. I'll just have to see what develops and take it one step at a time. I'm just pleased the day went well. I can't remember what I said, and the demonstrations are hazy in my mind. I was understandably nervous. But the feedback was very positive and I had a great day.

THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT I GOTTA WEAR SHADES

2010-04-01T09:21:00.015+01:00

Today is a sunny glorious day - and the future's so bright I gotta wear shades. Driving my daughter to school - missed the bus again !! - Chris Evans is on the radio playing boppin' music. It's his birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS EVANS !!! I don't know him, but I just thought I'd give him a thumbs up. His show is so cheery and I've got it on now. The sun's shining, the angels are singing, and it's a great day to be alive.

Meghan Telpner over at Making Love in the Kitchen is about to release a NEW TUTORIAL called HEALING WITH EVERYDAY SUPERFOODS and I'll be downloading it just as soon as she comes on line. Her others were so good that I'm really excited about it. ( see yesterdays blog ) There'll be a 5 day meal plan and if her other recipes are anything to go by they will be delicious and easy to prepare. There's also a group challenge on April 18th which I want to participate in this time. Meghan uses twitter to coach us from a distance. As she lives in Canada I think this is a great idea. It also gives the opportunity to hear from others doing the challenge, and gives you the feeling of being in a group - not just doing it all on your own. My family aren't quite as committed to healthy lifestyle choices as I am. Let's face it, they don't have the incentive that I do, so it's really comforting and motivating to feel that I'm with others who are trying to reach the same goal. Meghan is extremely positive and motivating. There are other blogs - some really excellent ones that I think I've mentioned before - but Meghan's is special and does offer this extra which I'm feeling quite excited to try. As I said yesterday I signed up for the last challenge of 5 Days Low Glycaemic Eating, but didn't get my act together in time. though I have been using the recipes since , and I'll get other opportunities as the challenges are repeated regularly. I'm hoping that I can get myself organised this time - do the shopping and planning ahead of time.
To have a look at it yourself go to :-

http://wp.me/pNES2-182

That link takes you straight to the Healing With Everyday Superfoods page. The 5 day group challenge on the 18th of April will be followed by a 3 day Green Smoothie Cleanse. You can access Meghans blog from there. I've already downloaded the 3 Day Smoothie Cleanse tutorial and it's very informative and do-able. That's what I like about it. I would have liked to have found Meghan's site when I was initially researching how to help myself. It would have saved me a lot of time and tears. I remember clearly the tears of frustration at not knowing what to buy and cook for dinner. But I may not have been as enthusiastic if I didn't know how spot on Meghan's views and knowledge are. She has come to diet from having had a health challenge of her own. I think this has actually helped her. As I've said about myself, serious challenges concentrate the mind. Anyway, enough advertising for Meghan. ( I don't know her, honestly ! ) But perhaps I can be one of the hundred monkeys who spread her healthy eating ideas.

Have you heard the legend of the hundredth monkey ? I'll blog about it on Tuesday !!

I was gong to write about the pitfalls of having metastatic cancer. I am going to write about one of the difficulties I am struggling with. O.K. I'm fessing up now ! I get emotional. I am known to take things emotionally and personally. I was sent some information about a trial that's going on into the effectiveness of acupuncture on fatigue after chemotherapy. I am really, really tired at the moment and thought it was the heavens calling . Turns out they were calling to someone else. Someone who does not have metastatic cancer. I'm not eligible. Fair enough. They have to have some criteria, but they are clearly cherry picking those who have a good survival chance. Unfortunately, whilst I understood the very nice lady on an intellectual level, my emotions were hearing another story. They heard - You aren't a good bet. You aren't likely to survive long enough to be of any use to us. You are likely to have complications and it's probably the cancer that 's making you tired ( on top of the exhaustion from chemo which can last 5 years ) What I really heard was YOU CAN'T BE HELPED. WE WANT TO HELP PEOPLE WHO WILL LIVE AND GET MORE BENEFIT. YOU'RE A LOST CAUSE. I know no one said this - well, actually, I did to myself !! I'm pretty harsh with myself sometimes. I know it's just a trial and there's no way of knowing whether it would help or not, and whether I would get the acupuncture or not. But I had to pluck up the courage to call - face my situation and prepare to put myself out there - and it feels like a doors closed in my face, and I don't take that well these days. I just wish the people who devise these trials would list who is excluded on their introductory letter so it doesn't get to a stage where it can become personal.

That's got that out of my system. Now I'm going to have a cup of detox tea before I go out and tidy up the garden and perhaps sow some vegetable seeds. The first ones of the year for me. Let's hope it doesn't snow. That's another something to blog about next week. What I'm growing in the garden. I'm enjoying blogging again and it's nice to have something to write about.

2010-03-31T13:14:00.010+01:00

Well, it's April tomorrow and I just don't know where the time's gone. What I do know is that I'm in a slightly better place than I was a fortnight ago when my father-in-law was living with us. I still have a teenage daughter who is challenging to say the least, but at least my house is my own again and I can start to breathe and think. To that end I've been trying to sort out my kitchen. I'm a hoarder by nature. Must be something to do with my impoverished, migratory childhood, or then again maybe not. Anyway, I finally emptied my SUGAR cupboard. Yes, I had a cupboard devoted to all things sweet :- golden icing sugar, honey, brown sugars of every stripe, jam,, maple syrup, golden granulated sugar stored in a jar of its own with vanilla beans , icing accoutrement's. What's left is now stored in a plastic tupperware box. I know. But I don't live alone threw most of it away and in fact most of it hadn't been touched in more than 3 years. What a waste of space ! So that freed up a cupboard to use as I wished. I downloaded an ebook ( I am getting more adventurous on the Internet ! ) on eating for 5 days in a low glycaemic way. It included a menu plan, a concise ebook on the reasons to eat with an eye on the glycaemic index, and a shopping list, and a support network on twitter for a 5 day challenge. I didn't get my act together in time sadly- perhaps next time - but I did do the shopping, and I used the cupboard to store all the dry goods I needed. It gave me one cupboard to go to and made it feel more organised, special and fun, and certainly simpler. This cupboard is now my designated healthy eating challenge cupboard, and the sweet stuff left for the family is relegated to a dark, awkward and unused corner of a floor height cupboard.

The 5 day low GI challenge was a great idea and I have been working my way through the recipes. So far they have been terrific, and will become part of my regular repertoire. if you are interested in this challenge it will be run again. Go have a look at it at :-

http://meghantelpnerblog.com/ /

Meghan writes a TERRIFIC blog called Making Love in the Kitchen. She is incredibly generous with her recipes and every time I look at her blog it's like the sun comes out. I have never met her, and unless she fancies a holiday in North Yorkshire or I go over to Canada I have no expectation of ever meeting her, but she comes across as a person who you'd like to have as a friend. Her blog is friendly, warm, very positive, and very generous. I also greatly respect the information she gives. I trust her blog totally. I downloaded all her ebooks and they more than live up to expectations and are incredibly reasonably priced. She is releasing one tomorrow on superfoods, together with a challenge and I'm hoping I'm up for it.

The school's break up tomorrow and I was determined to start blogging again, so that's me for today. The utility room needs a bit of a sort out and is calling to me. I spent some time looking at other people's blogs again today. I think I'll just have to ration myself in future. The problem is that I want to catch up. I haven't really been on the internet in months - since last summer really - and I'm being distracted by all the great blogs and sites out in the blue yonder ! But do take a peek at Meghan Telpner's if you get chance. It's worth it.

Sunday morning

2010-03-14T09:48:00.004Z

I had a lovely day yesterday. I had bruchetta and salad for breakfast. We went out for lunch and a walk and sat by the river watching ducks at our favourite cafe. I had a warm vegan salad and a pot of chamomile tea , and felt like I was on holiday. The sun shone brightly and warmly and we sat outside eating our lunch and watching the ducks and people. We had a very short stroll because we foolishly ate first. I can''t seem to get much energy up after eating. I had a nap in afternoon, and had bruchetta and salad for supper. We watched dancing for sports aide on tv, and I had an early night.

This morning I've had porridge with seeds and nuts and apricot kernels and feel like having another nap. I think I will try to remember to take some digestive enzymes before I eat and see if that helps at all. I watched some inspirational videos on YouTube yesterday featuring Neal Barnard and T Colin Campbell and I'm feeling a little more optimistic today. We've also got the house to ourselves for the first time in 17 weeks and that's making a terrific difference to how I feel in the place. I can breathe a little easier. I have a bit of space to think.

Just another day

2010-03-12T08:03:00.007Z

Things aren't going so well. I've been very erratic with the juicing and my emotions are at a low ebb. Food wise, I have good and bad days. I've started eating processed foods - for convenience and comfort - and I've been having alcohol and sugary cereal. It's really bad, but I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I bought a Vitamix for my birthday a fortnight ago and I still haven't taken it out of the box. And I've not finished the book I was reading yet. After 17 weeks I've finally managed to move heaven and earth to give us a break from grandad, but it's all backfired on me. My daughter thinks we're millionaires and the hotel of choice that we were going to stay in for her birthday does not meet with her approval. We had a big emotional scene last night , and I just can't take the drama. My husband took grandad back up to Scotland to stay with hiss friend and there were problems with that - the overnight catheter bags didn't arrive at the dispensary in time and we'll have to courier them up to him. I ordered bags from his local pharmacy in Scotland, but there's no guarantee that they'll be there by tomorrow either. This is really because they weren't ordered till the last minute. Husband delivered him and is now very worried about the steep steps he has to use to get to his bedroom. So He's tense. I also told him about the diva moment and he's angry about this and angry with me. I told my daughter I wouldn't book anything and he's booked the time off work. It's a mess. I just want to step out of my life. But there's no way to do that. Someone would be left with a huge mess to clean up. So this morning I'm tippy toeing around on eggshells. Beam me up, Scotty !!!

STARTING OVER

2010-03-02T08:30:00.009Z

It's been a very long time since I last posted. The reason being that I got myself into a dark place,. I also have a teenage daughter who knows of this blog. and as a consequence I censored myself. This blog is an honest account of what I am going through and learning. I just can't write and censor my thoughts at the same time. But I feel a strong urge to start again. I have fallen into old rutted habits and I'm needing help in pulling myself together and sorting myself out again. There have been many pressures since I last wrote. Whilst my scan results remain the same, the anxiety never goes away. My daughter who is 16 in a fortnight is a typical teenager, and we have our moments as do all parents and teenagers. And my father - in - law who has just turned 92 came to convalesce with us in November after a hernia operatiion, and has now taken up permanent residence with us. He has prostate cancer and the numbers have been rising recently and we haven't been helped by his G.P. telling us that he didn't expect him to make it to Christmas. He is now stronger physically than he was before the operation. But sadly his mind has started to fail him. His memory is erratic and he does get confused. This is a trial and a tribulation for us all.

So this is the start of a new offensive. I am in the fight again. I can't say for how long. My emotions are out of control quite a bit at the moment. But I can try and take control of how I care for my body again.

I have made juice over the past week. Yes, I stopped. What can I say. I know I'm an acidic mess. So I'm starting from scratch again. Baby steps !! Juicing is a baby step. I start with a bag of carrots and a bag of salad leaves - I know they're washed in chemicals,, but it's better than nothing, and it's convenient. As I said, I take a bag of salad leaves and a bag of carrots. I push them through the juicer and decant into small green bottles. Then I have juice for the day. I added kale the other day, and a courgette yesterday. I haven't made today's yet. I'm drnking a detox tea at present. But I'll make it just as soon as the electrician comes and goes. I'm expectiing him in about 10 minutes - not enough time to juice.

Today I only have the electrician to cope with. After he leaves I intend to reread Pat Reeve's book " A Living Miracle - fight cancer at its cellular level and win ! ". Pat is fighting cancer herself and has done so successfully for 30 years or more. I have forgotten so much that I read when I was looking for a miracle, and I've decided to start reading again to encourage and remotivate myself. Pat's book was very helpful to me when I first read it, and I went to see her on the strength of it. Pat's book has the best explanation off what cancer is that I have read. There's a lot of references linking cancer to fungus, parasites, yeast, and I can't remember what else. I got very very confused by the conflicting theories. Pat's is the only book I read that pulled it all together and made it all very clear and understandable. There's also plenty of healthy recipes in the book, and many help with osteoporosis. I have osteopenia and it's getting worse. I intend to take Pat's advice to heart and start to rebuild my health again. I hope to report back on what I find and then move on to other books which I found helpful in the past. if you'd like to go to Pat's website it's :-

http://www.foodalive.org/

Pat is a dynamo, full of energy and glowing like a little star ! She is fantastic and very supportive.

LIVING WITH THE FERRYMAN

2010-02-26T06:44:00.014Z

It has been some time since I last posted on this blog. The truth is that I have slipped and stumbled and lost my way. It happens !! I stopped juicing and obsessing about my diet when I went on my summer holidays, and I suppose perhaps I did need a break from it. But things have gone from bad to worse, to unspeakable and I need to get a grip. It was my birthday last week and I am trying to make a new start. And it's back to basics and baby steps for me. So I'll be blogging about my experience from a personal level now. I stopped blogging because things were difficult and I couldn't write about them because my daughter was reading my blog, and consequently I censored myself. Hopefully she is now out of the habit of reading it. If not, Rosie, perhaps you should stop reading now before my black, black soul is revealed. I'm not joking ! I can't pull my punches because quite frankly I just don't have the energy.

This morning I have come to realise that I haven't really accepted the finality and reality of my situation, and what the situation really represents for me. I have been avoiding truly seeing and accepting things as they are. The Grim Reaper has come to live with me and my family. My visitor is the embodiment of the Crypt Keeper, a cadaverous spectre, and he occupies most of the house.

I live in a large house with many rooms. You would think it would swallow him up and hide him, but he is ever present, constantly moving around and making full use of the space. I have tried to contain him, but that seems impossible. I dedicated half the downstairs space in my home to him, but he will not stay in his space. He fully occupies the whole downstairs and garden and scares me out of my wits,and makes me jump out of my skin by appearing when I least expect him and where I least expect him. He is stealthy and silent . I've threatened to put bells on his shoes, but he laughs. He creeps up the stairs and haunts the intimate parts of my home. He frequents the house bathroom and landing. He peeks into my bedroom if he can't find me in the rest of the house. Not content to simply occupy the space, he changes my environment. He turns up the thermostat when I'm not looking and creates a hot house that stifles me. A hells kitchen in a brick box. I feel boxed in. He fills my house with the sound of death and destruction and disaster. A news bulletin at high volume spooling over and over and over. He has taken my home, my husband, my daughters father, and , I fear, my life. Isn't that what death does ? Take everything you hold dear and everything you don't - indiscriminately.

My life with the Crypt Keeper started about 4 months ago. He is unable to care for himself and is occupying more and more territory in my life. He will not be contained. I have to accept that for better or worse he is with me to the end. It is a pseudo marriage. He keeps me company whenever I am home. I can go out for distraction, but twist and turn as I might, he will always be there on my return. I spend more time with him than with anyone else on the planet. Far more time than with my husband. Far more time than with my daughter, though as she is nearing 16 I expect her to stretch her wings and spend less time with me as she prepares to fly the nest. Thankfully, her life is opening out. My place is here with the cadaverous embodiment of death.

I think that life can be quite spooky. I have spent 3 years fighting for my life, fighting for my life . But Death has tired of my contortions and evasions and has come to live with me up close and personal , and he wears my father- in- law's face. He is not to be ignored and he's not to be avoided. I have not been juicing as diligently as I should. In fact I stopped. Our family summer holiday always breaks my habit and it's so laborious and time consuming that I find it hard to get back into my health-creating routine when we get back home. Since November, when my visitor arrived, my health creating efforts have deteriorated further. I drink alcohol. I eat sweet things , some made with fruit, others made with sugar. I eat processed foods. I skip breakfast and lunch, and I eat processed foods . There is plenty of salt in my diet, and a lack of raw vegetables. It's comfort I seek, but it eludes me . I'm not an idiot and I know that my food choices and the stressed way I'm reacting to this situation will seal my doom. I am coming back to my blog in an effort to try to resume the fight if it's not too late.

Ascending

2009-08-26T10:32:00.012+01:00

I have just spent a weekend ascending and I feel wonderful. Ascending is, I believe what you might also call meditating. It's about spending time with yourself, with your thoughts, and with your spiritual self. It's about spending time with a higher self. And it's about being aware of your life right now, in this moment. About really living rather than imagining you're living in the past or the future. I'm uncomfortable writing about it, because I'm not sure I know enough to write about it, but I'm writing about my own experience and I can't get that wrong.

I have had a weekend learning to ascend - the practice is called Ashayas Ascension and the website for more information is at

http://www.thebrightpath.com/

I met some wonderful people, ate good food, sat in a peaceful place, and I think had a very healing experience. I do a lot of things that I believe alter my body from the outside in - breathing in deeply and watching my diet to name but two. I also have practices where I try to heal myself from the inside out - using visualisation and relaxation techniques. I've already mentioned my mind pharmacy in a previous post. I have also visualised a dark cabin that I can enter where I give up my thoughts. I visualise a beautiful field with a seat below a tree where I can sit with my higher self and my guardian angel - where I can receive hugs and reassurance. I have created a house in my mind where all those who love me are and I can go and visit with them and swim in a pool of healing. Al these techniques require me to activate my imagination. The Ashayas Ascension differs from these visualisation techniques. It asks nothing of you other than you be present. It is a passive process. Or so it seems to me at this moment. I just sit, or recline, or even walk around and watch my thoughts. I don't even have to do that. I can just let them go. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the simplicity and ease of the technique. What I find so appealing is that it is Very positive in its approach. It is very loving and accepting. It is Very Kind and I am drawn to kindness like a moth to a flame. It's totally non-judgemental, and its accessible even with eyes open and moving around and interacting in the world.It doesn't require peace and quiet and a darkened room to be activated. I feel truly blessed that I have found it. What's more it's incredibly supportive. Once you've been on the first sphere course - the introduction and initial training - you can continue to go back and repeat the course as often as you like. There's plenty of support from the teachers, and the other course participants were all extra-ordinary people who shone with kindness. There were quite a few who had been ascending for ages . I did ask them the question - " why would you come back on the first sphere course if it works ? " and the reply was that "you learn something new each time , hear something different, hear something put across differently by a different teacher, possibly hear something that's been said before but that you weren't ready to hear the first time. Also, you get to spend time with really nice people, eat good food, and visit peoples homes and sit in lovely rooms " This was my second weekend, and I have to say that I now agree with these sentiments and will hopefully go on many more weekends myself. There's so much more to it than learning a technique, and there's power in meditating in groups.

ALL IS WELL

2009-08-26T09:20:00.008+01:00

I've just read the last entry I made - and didn't publish at the time. I was certainly in a dark place. Thankfully the scan showed no change - stability. Yes, yes, dormancy is the word that springs to mind, but there are seeds that lie dormant for thousands of years over in Egypt - and in other places too. So dormancy doesn't imply reawakening any time soon !

I haven't posted in ages. I've been in a dark place and I think I needed to try and find a way through. A way to live well even with cancer. I've explored a few avenues which I hope to share later and I've come back to blogging with a fresh perspective after a rest from thinking about cancer in such a negative way.

I once read a story that I can't remember accurately, but that I can remember the gist of and I'll share it here. A person ( lets say it's a he ) spent many years seeking enlightenment and the secret of life. He searched the world over but still couldn't find what he yearned for. In time he heard of a wise woman who lived in a cave at the top of the highest mountain. She held the secret, but she would not give it away easily. He set off to find her travelling a great distance and suffering many hardships before finding the cave. Inside he found a frail old woman and begged her for enlightenment. She refused, saying that she only aided those who truly knew what it was they searched for and who wanted it with all their being. He beseached her , telling her of his many travels and wanderings, of the hardships, deprivations and challenges which he had overcome, all in order to be enlightened. Again and again she refused until he eventually persuaded her and she agreed. He thanked her and had no sooner done so than she turned into a screaming monster with a club who shouted "NOW" and beat the club on the floor. He looked at what was in front of him stunned and then turned and ran out of the cave. Just as he emerged she appeared again, shouting "NOW" beating the club on the floor. As he ran down the mountain again and again she followed shouting "NOW", "NOW", "NOW". To the end of his days she accompanied him, every moment screaming "NOW" and banging her club on the ground.

I'm not really a story-teller and I wish I could remember where I read the story, but that's the gist, with my spin 0n it. The point is that the screaming harpy shouting "now" could be my cancer. A teacher reminding me that now is all there is. That fear is simply memory of what might have happened and anticipation of what might be. It is based on nothing but an idea, a thought. It's not based on what is. In this moment - today - I am well and healthy. People comment on how well I look. I even feel well ( though I do tire very easily ! ) If I concentrate on this moment then I know all is well and I am well.

Waiting For Scan Results

2009-06-29T12:08:00.003+01:00

I am waiting for the results of my latest MRI scan and feeling sick with worry. I think, in lucid moments, that the scan only tells me what is there, and doesn't change anything. But that doesn't feel to be the case today. Today the scan result can change a lot! There is always a lag between having the scan and getting results, but knowing this and despite having experienced it many times it still doesn't get any easier. I think I should be used to it by now. But I'm not. I can be philosophical about the result -

"I am where I am and the scan doesn't change anything - it's just information. "

"The result doesn't matter because it's only a snapshot of that one moment, and a look backwards at what has happened, and not what is happening."

But whatever I try to tell myself, I can't shake of the dread, the sickening worry. "Has it grown ? Has it woken up ? Is there any kind of help if that does happen ; does the information actually make any difference at all at the end of the day, or am I just satisfying my oncologist's curiosity ? " Am I just giving myself a four minute warning ? Do I want a four minute warning or do I want to live in ignorance for as long as possible ?

Of course I want warning now. I don't quite know why. Well, perhaps I do. I'd step up my efforts and just sit chanting and meditating in my chair, drinking vegetable juice and breathing so deeply I'll be in a trance like state of numbness. Or I'd go the other way and eat, drink and make merry. Can you make merry knowing the clock is ticking ?

Sadly, I don't think the scans are all that helpful, but they're available ... and they say information is power. It's just that from past experience I've come to realise that the information just gives me reassurance that I can bank the past. That's safe. I've got that and it can't be taken away from me. Unfortunately the future is still uncertain. I'm starting from a place that's not worse, but I'm also not starting from a place that's better. And my starting point isn't good. So I sit here worrying myself sick for a result that at best means there's no change to a bad situation and at worst that the clock's started ticking again. A bomb still detonated and waiting to go off.

I hate the waiting. It's pointless sitting here posting about it when I could go join my friends at gardening and try to distract myself. But my hearts not in it. I'm on red alert. I'm immobile, frozen in the headlights of the result wondering will it run me over or pass by with a woosh of wind leaving me shaking in its wake. i wouldn't mind if the result might leave me euphoric. I know that's not going to happen. I have lost my fragile hope of remission. There's been no change and all the medical staff think I'm deluding myself ( all bar my McMillan nurse who does a great job of persuading me that he thinks what I'm doing is making a difference. Of course it is. Emotionally. But what I want is physical improvement. I want a cure, not a healing.

Chris Woolams and Cancer Active

2009-06-13T10:46:00.015+01:00

I have just received an update from Chris Woolams and wanted to mention it here in case anyone fighting cancer or interested in it for a friend or relative does not know about this useful resource. The emailed update I get is called Cancer Watch. You can find it from the following site which is full of useful information. - :

http://www.canceractive.com/

I would recommend the Icon Magazine as well.

In the April / May issue of Cancer Watch which I have just received there is an article about the benefits of fibre and beneficial bacteria . Together in the colon they

" activate a receptor in the body that can kill cancer. The beneficial bacteria produce butyrate from the fibre and this activates a receptor (GPR109A ) ... [this] blocks the Cox 2 protein that causes inflammation and secondly it sends signals out to cancer cells telling them to self destruct."

The information comes from scientists at The American Medical College of Georgia ( M.C.G. ) Do go read the article. It explains the advantage of eating enough fibre and ensuring the health of your friendly bacteria. It's given me an added incentive to take my supplements of enzymes and friendly bacteria, and is a thumbs up for all the fibre I eat ! It just goes to show that good nutrition works to destroy the cancer on so many levels . Now I can add that thought to my visualising - as I eat !!

There are also many other useful articles on current research here.

A Homeopathic Experience

2009-06-11T07:52:00.020+01:00

I was at the Breast Cancer Haven in Leeds again this week and met with my homeopath,, Caroline. I have seen her once before and this was a follow up appointment. I just want to jot down my experiences with her to date. I first went to see her a few weeks ago. The Haven very generously give you two sessions with the homeopath if you so choose, and it was a wonderful opportunity to try something I might not otherwise have given a go. It is very very expensive to go see a homeopath !! However, I was actually quite impressed with it. Let me give you the full story...

I signed up because I thought I had nothing to lose. I've been told it's worth trying and my friend Jenny who uses a homeopath herself, encouraged me. It's difficult to know what to expect or hope for when you don't really understand what it is that homeopathy's supposed to treat. As everyone with cancer treatments under their belt knows ,there are plenty of symptoms and sensations and issues to go at. I had very recently developed a very severe and uncomfortable symptom. It's hard to describe. I would wake up every morning with a sense of dread, fear, panic, desperation. This was a development from the general waking where my first thought is "I have CANCER " . This had developed into a physical sensation. It was like a creeping shadow, a cloud, a blanket which moved in on my body (from stage right ? I don't know, but my memory of it is of coming from the right - but memory IS a fugitive, changeable, capricious thing !) It was a feeling of dread and fear and panic, but it had a physical presence in my body. Not a hot flush - I have enough of those and this was different. In looking back I think it may have been a panic attack or something akin to it, but I don't know. Some sensations are just really difficult to describe in words. Anyway, as this just started occurring perhaps a fortnight before my appointment and it was the biggest of my problems ( Yes, I'm in a really fortunate position right now and I do count my blessings !) this was the problem I identified as being the challenge for the homeopath. We had our consultation and I was quite clear that this was what I wanted treating. I was given a teeny tiny little pill to place under my tongue to dissolve and told that I would receive my prescription through the post. It eventually arrived and I can't tell you of my shock and annoyance at receiving just three teeny tiny little pills. Sugar Pills !!! I had paid £8.00 for 4 tiny sugar pills ! But... if they worked that would be OK. Size isn't everything, BUT I was more than a little dubious about getting only 3 pills to sort this really awful problem out. I was prepared to be wrong, but I can tell you I was still very dubious and a little outraged that maybe I was being taken for a fool. I took the first pill - Sugar !! - I don't let sugar pass my lips (apart from my calcium and vitamin D supplement that I get from the doctor and that I take because I have osteopenia and am pretty frightened of any weakening of my bones - either I'll one day collapse on the floor as all my bones disintegrate !! or the dreaded words bone mets creeps into my mind ! ) and then I googled the homeopath. She seemed credible and if her site and other homeopathic sites were to be believed the cost of consultation was really expensive. Did they always prescribe just 3 little pills ? I googled the remedy - bellis perrennis or daisy and found that it seemed to be appropriate. I also found out how much those little pills cost to buy in bulk. I was a little irritated that I might be being taken for a ride.. I sometimes feel that all us cancer patients are just sitting ducks for charlatans and anybody wanting to make a quick buck out of someone elses misery. I continued to take the pills, and funnily enough from the first night the feeling disappeared. I still awoke anxious - I have cancer for goodness sake - but that physical discomfort has gone. That was just 4 weeks ago. I can honestly say that those 3 little pills did do the trick ! So my goodness it was worth the money because it did what it said on the tin ! I must admit I didn't think anything would really shift it. I thought I'd have to live with it like hot flushes. I saw Caroline again on Tuesday and she thinks that it's gone now. That it won't wear off. What I now want to know is " if homeopathy's so good why doesn't everyone use it ? " But then that question is often raised about many things. I will say that I went into this with an open mind. I may have had concerns about the expense - you can pay in the region of £85 for a first consultation and £45 for a follow up - but I was willing to give it a try. I was very fortunate to have The Breast Cancer Haven open in Leeds to give me this opportunity. The Haven is a charity and gave me the homeopathic consultation for free. All I had to do was make a contribution of £8.00 towards the cost of the remedy. That is only reasonable. I think that without The Haven I would never have tried homeopathy. I don't like to buy gobbledy - gook and promises. I have done this since trying to find a cure for my cancer and I continue to do so (what idiot pays £60 a month for two bottles of brown liquid in a brown bottle that is an herb tea , with the name of Essiac ? Moi !! ) But all I can say is that it did work, and for that I'm grateful. So I'm now feeling converted to homeopathy.

Do you want to know what I want fixing now ?? Anger issues !!! Evidently homeopathy can do this as it treats the whole person. I have a quasi scientific understanding of this that I've gained from all the reading that I have done. All our emotions are simply chemicals and enzymes racing around our bodies. And the talk about storing emotions and memories in the body ? It's quite understandable to me that they could be stored chemicals and toxins locked away for safekeeping in my flesh. So the mind and body being physically linked idea works for me. And the idea that uncomfortable, unhelpful thoughts can be stored for decades also has a kind of believability to it. I have been given some teeny tiny little white sugar pills and I will let you know how I go on.

What are my anger issues ? I won't remember in a few months time (hopefully ) so I'd better jot down the ones I can think of.

How I was treated by Harrogate Hospital when I was first diagnosed ( abysmally - a HORROR story !!! but don't we all have those stories , more's the pity ! ) You'd think I'd be over this by now, but it seems not ! I don't dwell on it. I thought I'd put it behind me. I only mention it because I was asked about my experience recently and it all flooded back, complete with Emotion !! It surprised me, but there it is.

Other road users. You know - slow coaches, idiots that weave in and out of traffic looking for an accident, people who don't thank me when I let them out, people who don't indicate when they're going to turn, people who stop in the middle of the road to have a conversation with an acquaintance. What can I tell you ? I'm a grumpy old woman - but maybe not for much longer !!

Supermarkets !!!!!! Why oh why have they cut back on organic and health foods ? They've lured me in away from the health food shops and now they're leaving me high and dry !! Where's their loyalty ? They're forever asking if I have a loyalty card . Yes you TESCO -named and shamed !! They're all bad. Asda used to do sprouting seeds - though I now do my own. Morrisons used to do organic peppers - my daughter lives on them - and now they don't stock them in ANY of their stores !! Why ? I bought enough of them ,and regularly !! Waitrose is the best at the present time, but I'm not holding my breath. I HATE shopping. It's frustrating and maddening and soul destroying and I'm sure it damages my immune system every time I go in. I want to boycott them, but where else can you shop now that they've squeezed the life out of all the small shops. All I see now when I go into these market places is all the food I can't have - Aisles and aisles I don't walk down. And why is the good stuff mixed in with all the rubbish and continually being moved around. And don't ask about internet shopping. They SUBSTITUTE !!!I don't want substitutes !

Cafes and restaurants also irritate me. What is this obsession with dairy products ? It's so difficult to be dairy free, yet I'm absolutely sure I'm not alone. There was a time when it was unheard of to be gluten free, but people did know about dairy intolerance's. Now it seems that many cater for gluten intolerance's, yet still can't cope with a dairy free request. And why do vegetarians ALWAYS get dairy in the mix? How do vegans cope ? I started telling them that I was vegan and everyone understood the concept far better than me, so it's not ignorance that's the problem. It's an unwillingness to cater to anyone dairy free or vegan, because if you're vegan you can forget it. Even if you ask for just vegetables or salad and explain your reasons all that is brought back is a teeny tiny little side of vegetables. Why can't they make the portions larger ? Isn't that basic common sense ? Does that take extra brain power ? A monkey would understand the situation. But not the restaurants and cafes I sometimes stumble in to. There are some who are accommodating and I am very grateful and loyal to those establishments. It's just really frustrating when you're out and about and can't get anything to eat without it costing an arm and a leg. Two side orders of vegetables doesn't add up to a main course but when the bill comes it costs more. It does just make me furious !!

I can't think of any more tirades at the moment, so I'll close here, but you can see my problem. I have anger issues. When I was on chemotherapy and after it finished I wasn't angry. I was just really glad to be alive. I'm still really glad to be alive, but life's irritations and frustrations are just getting too uncomfortable for me. It wreaks havoc with the immune system and it spoils the precious moments. I don't want to wast my time on this stupid pointless emotion. I achieve nothing with it. It just weighs me down. So if homeopathy could be a magic pill and help me with this I'm here waiting and willing for it to work. And if it doesn't .... there's always something else - EFT ! or hypnosis, or whatever ... Hope springs eternal ! And yes, I do meditate and practise deep breathing, but that takes a little while to kick in, and it's not always convenient, and I don't always think of doing it when I'm in the middle of my life and the emotion catches me unawares. !! I want a quick fix, just like everybody else. So, I'll let you know if homeopathy mellows me down in those frustrating circumstances.

Some Cancer Related Blogs

2009-06-10T13:30:00.055+01:00

Recently I found a new blog which I think promises to be a great one, and Dennis, who writes it , has included my 'Nothing Tastes As Good As Life '' Blog in his blogroll. ( So thank you Dennis, I feel honoured.) The address is

http://beingcancer.net/

This blog contains many resources and has just started a book club which promises to be stimulating.. Dennis is an oncology nurse who himself has experience of cancer. He is a knowledgeable and articulate man whose writing is life affirming .

It strikes me that I haven't ever gotten around to writing up my own blog favorites. There are many, many times I come to the internet with the intention of blogging only to spend all my time reading other people's blogs. Sometimes I comment, and sometimes I write mini novella's on someone else's comment section instead of getting on with my own. ( I hope if you're one of my target bloggers that you don't mind ! Everyone else seems to make short succinct comments, but I can't seem to distill my thoughts into just a few words. I'm working on it is all I can say. ) There are far too many blogs I like to put them all in one post, so I'll break them down into categories and do a few posts. I'll also add comments about some and not others. There's no reason for this. It doesn't indicate favourites. It's just that I would just keep repeating myself if I made the same comments on them all and that would be very boring to read. So for my first selection I am concentrating on blogs that have some link for me to cancer. The blog I refer to above has a blogroll which is far more comprehensive than mine. Mine is idiosyncratic and suited to my own tastes, and is the product of serendipitous happenstance ! Hours of happy surfing has brought them to my attention. There will be many other excellent blogs that I simply have not come upon - yet ..... I will post about other blogs which amuse, entertain, and delight the eye in a later post when time permits. You can see why I spend more time reading than blogging myself! They all have wonderful voices full of insight, wisdom and information. So - In No Particular Order - here goes :-

http://www.iayork.com/MysteryRays This is a really interesting blog !! Sometimes the information's not so relevant to me and goes over my head. It's about immunology and virology and other stuff. As I'm looking to boost my immune system I think it makes interesting reading and I love the spirit in which it's written. I think his title is fantastic and the reason behind it is, in his own words :- "For years mystery rays from outer space has been my explanation for anything that seems inexplicable- which covers much of immunology and virology. I think I originally saw that as Dave Berry's explanation for Etch - a - Sketch . " I think this could be my new explanation for life, the universe, and everything !! Go have a peek. I feel I could use the illustrations for visualisations.

http://daria-livingwithcancer.blogspot.com/ Daria's blog, called 'Living With Cancer' is all about day to day living with cancer. Daria is a warrior with a very cheerful take on the trials and tribulations of this cancer experience. I love her blog and she is incredibly supportive to me as a fellow blogger. Her positive spirit is infectious and her blog is uplifting and inspiring

http://www.becomingwhole.typepad.com/my-webblog Meg Wolff is a macrobiotic nutritionist who has successfully battled cancer. Her blog is informative and full of recipe's and instruction on the macrobiotic lifestyle. This is a generous blog and well worth a visit.

http://cancerisnotfunny.blogspot.com/ Cancer is Hilarious is written by a young fashion designer with a great eye and a great attitude. I love her eye and I like her blog. There is great imagery and her spirit shines through. It's very inspiring. Her blog may be intended for the younger end, but it's universal

http://cheekylibrarian.blogspot.com/

http://aftercancernowwhat.blogspot.com/ This blog is full of current news items and up to date information on cancer. I don't know how she manages to stay so current. It's slightly political, but that's OK with me. It also has references to celebrities who have had or are fighting cancer, making it a much more visible problem. I find this blog informative and motivational. It's a great read.

http://cyndisadayinalifewithlife.blogspot.com/ The author of this blog is going through breast reconstruction which is a path that I sadly can't follow. This is written by a kind and intelligent woman who generously recounts her experiences with cancer.

http://jillscancerjourney.blogspot.com/ The blog is titled 'Dancing With Cancer Living With Mets.' and I think that tells you a lot about the spirit of this blog.

http://deesupdates.blogspot.com/

http://lesasbreastcancer.blogspot.com/ This blog is titled 'Fighting For a Cure ' This is a very upbeat cancer blog. Lesa is very generous and artistic and makes cards of encouragement for fellow sufferers of cancer. Her blog is a pleasure to visit.

http://korean-cuisine.blogspot.com/ A food blog as well as a cancer blog. The photo's of the food make me drool ! The writer is very generous with her recipes , and although I haven't made any I can dream ! This is a young author whose blog is again a delight to visit and inspiration for the likes of me who doesn't really enjoy cooking but wishes she did.

http://www.assertivepatient.com/ A good blog. Go read it.

http://appendix-cancer.blogspot.com/ Very informative and well written.

http://www.thecancerblog.org/blogs/the-cancer-blog.html A technical blog but could be interesting.

http://kattlovecancerblog.blogspot.com/ This is a blog written by a retired oncologist. Definitely worth having a look at.

http://medicineworld.org/cancer/cancerblog.html A technical blog but could be interesting.

http://blog.dlsrf.org/ This is the Dr. Susan Love Blog and is particularly interested in breast cancer. Informative.

http://doctordavidsblog.blogspot.com/ The musings of a pediatric oncologist. Even if you don't have any interest or need for information on pediatrics this is a must visit blog. It is very earthing. It puts my own experience into perspective and makes me very very grateful for what I have. It's a positive blog. Check out the April 18th 2009 post. It's a guaranteed cheer up call to all adults over the age of 50. ( Perhaps younger, but I don't like to speak for others who are younger than myself, and whose life will be complicated in a different way to myself. )

http://cewilton.blogspot.com/ A Pastor's Cancer Diary. With that title you know it's going to be wise and upbeat.

http://crazysexylife.com/ Kris Carr's website full of information and other bloggers as well as her own great personal blog. If you haven't visited this site before you really must !

http://stage3whome.blogspot.com/

http://notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com/

http://everydayhealth.com/blog/life-with-breast-cancer

http://everythingchangesbook.com/

http://ruralwomen.wordpress.com/

http://stupidcancerblog.com/

2009-05-17T11:13:00.010+01:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. Life's been full and busy, and it's sometimes difficult for me to get my computer to hook up to the internet. It's a temperamental thing, but then you could say that about me. Do computers echo your personality the way dogs are said to resemble their owners ? Nah !!! Too twilight zone to consider !

I've had a few thoughts of what to blog about, but have little time today, and would you believe, they have all left my head and it's now empty. But, the crackers !! I've posted a recipe for crackers which I tried out last night and they are a complete success, even if I do say so myself. They are delicious with a little hummus and I will be trying some different pate recipes shortly. Their thickness varies slightly, but I think that is just something that practice will improve. My husband has tried them and I think he found them very moreish. I had to warn him that they are not low calorie, being full of nuts and seeds and their oil. But it's great that they are a success. The tomato ones are good, though I might put more tomato in next time, and the rosemary ones are delicious. I think the turmeric idea is a good one , or perhaps saffron, to give another colour, otherwise they can all look the same. They do have a lovely rustic appeal. I've put them in some pretty glass storage jars and I'm very proud of them.

I'm juicing in greater quantities again. The produce just seems juicier, and I'm using leaves from my garden. The chard is doing really well and acts like spinach or cucumber in that it makes a smoother milder juice when mixed with broccoli, cabbage, etc. and it looks really striking in the beds.

I've been sprouting lots of seeds, and I'm growing wheatgrass again, and I like the juice with an apple. It just tastes like apple juice to me now. Maybe too much apple, or could it be that my taste buds are changing and adapting ? I am a total convert to micro greens. I'm growing sunflower and peashoots outside in seed trays and I'm growing them quite thickly. Aconbury Sprouts seem to sell them like this in trays, so I thought I'd try and grow them myself. I had some disasters with the pea sprouts ( they rotted before I ate them ), so I'm going with the shoots till I get my inclination back ( They stank and there was a gooey residue that got into the drainage pipe for my seed sprouter, so be warned and be vigilant if you're trying them.). I brought a few trays into my gardening group to show everyone, and I'm managing to keep the excitement I feel going.

The next might be too much information, but I'm spilling the beans anyway. I've been increasingly tired lately - and hungry for that matter. I gained a little weight and it all frightened me. So I've upped my game and I've started doing coffee enemas. Now when I first started having colonics ( there were just too many references to their benefits in my researches to ignore, so I just got over myself. ) Janet, my therapist, encouraged me to do these, as did my good friend Rosey ( sorry if I've spelt it wrong ) I tried, but found it time consuming and difficult to schedule in. I made the coffee, then waited hours for it to cool, and then the whole palaver of getting everything organised in the bathroom seemed to take forever. And when people knew what I was doing they'd ask if it gave me more energy, and I had to say that "No, it didn't. " I couldn't feel any difference. And it was all very disappointing to think it made no difference when everyone expected it to. So I stopped . But I've recently started again and it's an entirely different story. I make the coffee on waking, when I make my Essiac tea. It's cool in 1 1/2 to 2 hours, or I can speed that up by putting the cafetiere in cold water. I have everything I need in the spare bedroom opposite the bathroom, including a pillow, and I make sure I bring my ipod ( I listen to the many interesting podcasts I can't resist downloading ) with me. Somehow it all seems painless and smooth and easy. What's more, I do get a burst of energy. Because I've noticed the difference in energy I feel it's worth the effort and I'm persevering with it. I don't have one every day, but who knows, perhaps that will come, after all I balked at first at all the juicing Gerson recommended and yet I made 1 3/4 litres yesterday ! I had a colonic recently and whilst in the past all has been well, this time Janet commented on my sluggish lymph. I know, I know, I know !!!!! Exercise !!!!! But I'm so very tired !! So I've tried to incorporate that again - Yes, I know I've said that before ! Perhaps this time I'll take it more seriously, after all I'm taking it seriously enough to give myself enemas and that's something I never ever considered - for half a century !!! As I say, too much information. But you never know who reads a blog and I know how frightening and appalling the idea of enemas and colonics was to me before all this happened. You lose your bashfulness when you get into some situations. It's a luxury you can't always afford, and it seems so silly looking back. ( If my daughter reads this she'll be mortified. Sorry ! ) But hopefully the enemas and the exercise will get my lymph going again.

I've also started taking Artemix. This is a capsule that contains artesunate, artemether, and artemisinin, all derivatives of the wormwood plant. It is used in the treatment of malaria, and experiments in laboratories show it to have an effect on some cancer cells. It's to do with the fact that cancer cells amass lots of iron ( It's essential for cell division and isn't that what cancer cells are all about. ) Artemisinin comes into contact with iron in the cell and the iron converts the drug into a toxic chemical, releasing an oxygen based free radical. This could destroy the cancer cell. I'm not saying that this is true , but I had a chemosensitivity test done when I finished my chemotherapy to find what alternative therapies might be harmful to my particular cancer cells and artesunate was flagged up as being of possible use to me. I never did anything about it because you can't just pop down to the chemist for it, but I recently read a book which clearly explained why it is effective against cancer and I think it is worth my while trying. The book I read which makes interesting reading if you have or fear breast cancer is called 'Breast Cancer A Cure At Last ' by Fred Harding. Quite a sensational title I think, but it is certainly an interesting book. Wormwood is used in the treatment of parasites, and I don't believe the capsules will do me any harm, so I'm giving them a try. The dose is 1 - 2 capsules and I dowse each night to see what my unconscious and body feel is the right dose. Am I kidding myself ? I don't know, but I don't think I'm doing any harm. I also visualise the capsules as magic bullets, ripping holes in the cancer cells membrane. Fingers crossed. Certainly this stuff has been used in the treatment of malaria without any known adverse effects. I've asked my doctor about how long people take it for malaria, so I don't see it as something I'll take for the rest of my life. My complimentary doctor in Bristol has recommended and supplied it to me, so I am under some supervision though it doesn't sound as if that's necessary. I'm just going to try it and see.

So that's my update so far. Hopefully I'll get my thinking brain back for next time and I'll remember what I really wanted to post about.

Sprouting Seeds - part 2

2009-04-23T16:05:00.009+01:00

I have had a little more experience sprouting seeds since I last posted about them and I'm here to update you. I've grown radish, broccoli, basil, sunflower seeds, alfalfa and fenugreek, wheatgrass and sunflower seeds, lentils, chickpeas and peas, aduki beans, and possibly others that don't spring to mind just at present.
The challenging ones were peas and sunflower seeds. The peas rotted before the little shoots appeared and the sunflower seeds were woody and horrible. However, I wasn't doing it right ! The sunflower seeds need to be left till the leaves emerge from the black seed casing and it is the leaves you eat. Do them !!! They are delicious and have a great texture and mouthfeel. They are firm and crunchy, and have substance. I'm now making sure I have them growing all the time. I love them. The peas don't work for me hydroponically, so I've transferred the tiny shoots to a seed tray of soil to await the little shoots. The sprouted peas with just a tiny shoot didn't taste anything special, so I think pea shoots are the way to go.
The basil seeds outgrew their fishroe type stage and were nice, but I'm not sure I'll grow them too often as they took a long time to develop.
I have had an update from Pat Reeves ( http://www.foodalive.org/ ) on the best grain for growing wheatgrass. I was looking on the internet to buy in bulk and came across a variety of grains. I asked Pat about which might have the most health benefits. I thought that spelt might have benefits as they have not been intensively bred and modified to increase yield in the same way as wheat and are more akin to their wild roots. Pat informed me that spelt is indeed a form of wheatgrass that she herself grows along with barley. So I'm going to order barley and spelt grains to grow into grass for juicing and I'll let you know if there's much difference in taste - well, if I can tell much difference. I haven't sprouted any grains to eat as grains yet. ( I have an irrational apprehension of sprouting things that are new to me ) and I'll let you know of any handy hints and tips I pick up as I experiment.
But try the sunflower seeds. The aduki beans were also nice, as were the chickpeas ( they didn't go slimey !! ), the lentils (they are a pretty pink once sprouted),, the radish (they are a very attractive purple),and the broccoli, the sandwich mix, the alfalfa and the spicy feugreek. There are plenty more to try and I will keep you posted.
If you have any favourites I haven't tried yet please let me know. I'm really enjoying my hydroponic gardening and have lots of little glass jars of seeds in the fridge. They seem to keep well, but I must admit the more I grow the more I eat. Are they addictive ? I am loving them, so maybe I'm finding it easier to hear my body these days. The seeds are packed full of good things for it. And in case you think it's just me and my altered taste buds, my husband really likes them too. It's my turn to make tea at my gardening class this week and I'm even considering bringing some in for everyone. I'm in real danger of becoming evangelical about this and turning into a bit of a nut. Ah well, I'll just see if anythings ready for harvesting on Monday and is still in the trays. Watch this space !

Breast Cancer Haven at Leeds

2009-04-23T11:16:00.005+01:00

I have been a hostage to fear recently. I don't know exactly why - a few reasons I expect, but there it is. I'm sure it's normal and just part of life. It just requires some management. To that end I had a brainwave. I've been to The Haven at Leeds before for an introductory day and a days retreat, and to see one of the counsellor's. It struck me that maybe I could do with another of the day retreats. It was the best thing I could have done. I had a fantastic day. The emphasis was on positive energy and thoughts. We did relaxations, visualisations, breathing, and we connected. I came away refreshed and remotivated.

It's easy to question if it's worth all the effort when the rest of the world just goes on as per normal. (I've been watching television with my family recently and there's loads of adverts which seem to be mostly about food. What is that about !?! Cereal, cheese, butter, chocolate, pasta, burgers, etc. It's very irritating when you're relaxing and then get bombarded with forbidden foods in the privacy and assumed safety of your own living room.) It is time consuming keeping body and soul together. Juicing takes the best part of an hour. Then there's tending to my sprouting seeds, exercise, deep breathing and meditation, shopping for healthy food, connecting with friends, gardening and getting some sunshine and fresh air while the sun's out. I don't do enema's and only have colonics every few months because they are too time consuming, but there's foot detoxes when I remember. It's nice to sit for half an hour with my feet in a bucket, and I definitely can't do anything else at the same time, but it still takes time. It's consequently only natural, I think,, to question whether it's worth all the effort. Yesterday I felt I got the confirmation and motivation I needed. Anne, who leads the retreat, did a great job of reminding me of the mind body connection and of its impact on health. And she reminded me to be kind and forgiving and accepting of myself. I think the words she repeated as we were all tapping our chests using E.F.T. techniques were "I love and accept myself ". I wish she had a CD to listen to because my memory is so bad and I couldn't scribble notes and make the most of the moment both at the same time. She did a fantastic healing visualisation where I saw a tree, then I think I turned into the tree, and finally I think I was a waterlily. I'll admit I think I drifted out of consciousness once or twice ( please God, I hope I didn't snore !!) so I can't remember everything clearly, but it was a wonderful relaxing day. Oh, and we did a fantastic pink light meditation. If only I could remember it clearly. Anne reminded me that there is a strong connection between the mind and the body and told me of two books that I might be interested in. One is by Masuro Imoto and is about water crystals and how they may be affected by kind thoughts, words, and music. We did a little experiment and I'm sure I could tell a slight difference in mouth feel of one that had been meditated over and one that hadn't. Anne did the meditating, and is a healer herself. The second book is about the link between emotions and genes and is called 'The Genie in our Genes' by Dawson Church. I looked on Amazon and in a review it was claimed to be a good book to read after The Biology of Belief by Bruce H. Lipton. I read this book and it was very interesting reading and resonated with me, so Church's book is now on my wish list at Amazon. ( It's all about persuading myself that my body CAN heal itself after being told that medicine can only do so much. ) Anne also told our group about her own meditative practice which is the Ishayas Ascension. I've looked on the internet at http://www.thebrightpath.com/ and it seems quite interesting. I'll give them a call and see about learning to ascend. If it comes to anything I'll post about it and let you know. We had a nice lunch of bean salad with rice and there was walnut shortbread for dessert. I don't normally eat biscuits and sweet things anymore, but I'm tired of depriving myself so I had the shortbread and It was really nice. Not too sweet., so I suppose the damage was minimal, and it was nice to be normal for a little while. At least I won't be getting cravings for shortbread now as I've satisfied it already.

All in all it was a day I feel I've really benefited from. But unfortunately The Haven is suffering in the current economic recession and is having difficulty with funding and the retreats have been stopped from next week. It's a real pity as I think everyone on it will have gained from the experience. We were all very mellow at the end of the day. I only booked on it on Tuesday as there was just one place left. I'd originally had hopes of booking in for a May day, but I think divine providence was on my side with that one place available before the retreats finished. I'm truly grateful for a days peace and I'm still very mellow and optimistic today. Long may its benefits last.

Incidentally, if you want to have a look at the website of The Breast Cancer Haven it's here :-
http://www.breastcancerhaven.org.uk/

WHERE IT BEGAN

2009-04-08T08:42:00.028+01:00

Being diagnosed with cancer was a terrifying experience. And living with cancer is also very frightening. Sometimes I peacefully coexist with it and at other times I twist and wriggle like a fish on a hook trying to get free of it. Sometimes there's space in my body for cancer, and sometimes, when fear fills every spare space, cancer cramps me and is noticeably uncomfortable. There's not really space for the two of us. Yes, I know cancer is me - my own cells - a part of me ; But sometimes it's a glowering menace residing in spaces inside of me where I don't recall inviting it. At the moment it's a Green Gremlin, a Grey Ghost, a Mauve Maverick who's cramping my style and dogging my days. It's my albatross and my millstone which I drag around with me from the moment I wake. I've found various coping strategies, but I can't seem to land on one that soothes me to the point of anaesthesia at the moment. So I'm going back to my beginnings of this journey. perhaps if I refocus I can get the threat down to a manageable level again. ( There is no apparent reason for this crisis of confidence in my ability to 'manage' my cancer. Just that I'm ravenously hungry all the time, I'm gaining weight - and in my research I've read that fat cells = oestrogen which in my case = cancer. I'm still not juicing quite as regularly as I was - which in my mind = acidity = hospitable conditions for cancer. And it's about 3 months since my last scan, and so another one is about due, and scans always bring on a case of the Screaming Ab Dab's)

When I was first diagnosed the whole family were obviously affected by it, and powerless to do anything. In an effort to reassure my daughter I drew up a list of what I was doing that would change my body so that cancer wouldn't exist. My thinking was that if I changed my body's chemistry, then cancer would be unable to thrive. The list not only reassured my daughter, but it reassured me. That list, to the best of my recollection follows. It was longer at the time, but I think that some of the things I changed have become so second nature that I can no longer recall doing things differently, and my memory is not as sound as it once was. I've included some explanations off why I did what I did, but I may be mistaken in some of my thinking, and I can't always recall detail as well as I would like. Please don't take this as a list of what you should do. It is what I have done and it helped me, and rethinking it will help me now. If it doesn't gel with you, let it go. There is no definitive set of instructions for coping with cancer and I'm most definitely not setting this out with that in mind. It's simply a record of what I personally found useful. It's a long list because I wanted to stress to myself how much I had changed from the person I was who grew cancer. I'm no longer that woman, and perhaps cancer won't be so happy with the woman I have become and am growing into. Lets face it, its all about managing cancer and managing uncertainty. I'm sure anyone reading this would be able to come up with their own list. It may take time and you may have forgotten ( fear affects the brain as does chemo !!) but I'd like to think you might find as much heart and comfort and courage from it as I have.

The list has become too long to give a brief description to all the things I've done in one posting. I'll make a start, but post about more in the next few days.

What I did and what I changed :

No Dairy. I gave up anything that came from a cow. Prior to diagnosis I had read a book by Prof. Jane Plant called "Your Life In Your Hands". In this book a woman who herself developed cancer researched what might make a difference. She looked at world demographics and noticed that women in some cultures did not develop breast cancer to anything like the degree that we in the West do. She found a clear link to the consumption of dairy products. She eliminated dairy from her diet and is still here to tell the tale. ( She is still thriving and has a website at http://www.janeplant.com/ . )She is also quoted on many other cancer sites. The thinking in a nutshell as I understand it is that there are growth hormones in milk. There are also all the drugs and chemicals that we feed the cattle which get passed out through the milk, not to mention nasty things which I don't want to disgust you with. There is also a high level of protein in milk. This makes the body more acidic, and far from being a great source of calcium actually robs the body of calcium. I have read elsewhere, though I can't recall the source, that the calcium in milk is difficult for the body to absorb. As a consequence of this, dairy products - milk, butter, cheese, fromage frais, cream, yogurt, and anything containing these such as pastries, cake, biscuits, bread rolls and soft and sweet breads ( They contain butter and milk or milk powder ), pate, ice cream, most chocolate, some creamy salad dressings, soups, in short most processed foods ( dairy seems to be some sort of cheap filler once you start seeing what it's put into ! ) Dairy was the first thing I gave up, and I have stuck with this consistently. I read another book last summer by T.Colin Campbell called 'The China Study ' which confirms the findings of Jane Plant. Mr. Campbell also looked at global demographics and came to the same conclusions as Jane Plant, but he went further and did laboratory experiments. In fact he oversaw a great many experiments in the lab and found conclusive evidence that animal protein stimulates the growth of cancer cells. ( His website is found at http://www.tcolincampbell.org/ )

No Tea, Coffee, Soft Drinks. I knew from reading magazines and newspapers that caffeine was linked to an increased risk of getting breast cancer, so gave up tea also. I drank more water and herb teas ; chamomile, peppermint, etc. Soda pop is high in caffeine ( even caffeine free has some caffeine ) and seems to be a cocktail of chemicals, so I steer clear of these also.

Surgery. I would have the cancer physically removed. As it turned out the cancer had spread to other parts, but the surgery still reduced the load.

Chemotherapy. I would remove any stray cells and kill whatever cancer was there to be killed. Again, whilst the cancer had spread, the tumours present were markedly reduced in size.

Continued Medication. I would and continue to take Arimidex daily and Zoladex four weekly to suppress all oestrogen in my body. As my cancer is hungry for oestrogen I will starve it to death !!

Water Filtration. I filter all my drinking water when I am in the house and drink bottled water when out. Very occasionally I have tea (herbal or green ) when I'm out and I have no control over the quality of such water, but by and large my water is all filtered. I am currently rethinking the water filtration system I am using. I use a Britta Water Filter Jug and I think I can improve on this. Unfortunately the filter I'm considering is quite expensive, and it's very difficult to compare filter systems. I'll keep you posted, though I'm leaning to a water remineraliser which is akin to reverse osmosis filtration but I think a step further. I believe ( but couldn't swear to) that the remineralised water would be more alkaline. The advantage of reverse osmosis or the remineraliser is that it filtes out oestrogens in the water supply ( from women taking the pill I've heard !!).

Rest and Sleep. The body heals itself when we sleep. This we've all been told since childhood and it still holds true today, except now we have scientific proof and explanation. I did a lot of sleeping in the early days, and continue to rest when I need to now. I don't push myself too hard as I can't cope with the effects of exhaustion. When the body sleeps (in the dark )melatonin is created which is necessary for a strong immune system. I slept for England !! When we nap or meditate through the day the body is still healing. Adrenaline compromises the immune system as I understand it because new Killer cells aren't created whilst there is insulin shooting around the body. I believe it's to do with the fight or flight response - the insulin gives you the wherewithal to run away or stand your ground and fight. All the bodies energy goes into immediate survival. It's only afterwards when the insulin's gone and we rest that the body goes into maintenance and damage control mode. So after the stresses of the diagnosis it's not a bad thing to conserve your energy and rest and let the body get on with healing. I think that I'm enhancing my immune system when I rest. It's also important during chemo as all the rapidly dividing cells in the body are targetted and destroyed. Resting and sleep gives the body chance to recreate healthy cells.

No Plastics, and particularly no oil in plastic. Plastic is oil soluble. When it dissolves into plastic it leak's a pseudo-oestrogen. As my cancer is oestrogen sensitive - and many, though not all breast cancers are - I eliminate all oestrogens wherever possible. I was shocked when I learned that plastic is oil soluble - in my words it dissolves into fat, be that dairy fat in the form of milk or cheese, vegetable fat in the form of olive oil, etc. , or any kind of fat or oil. Look around any supermarket and you will notice that a great deal of the packaging is plastic. Do you want a salad ? plastic bags and bowls. Do you want milk ? plastic cartons. Coleslaw and hummus ? plastic containers. Water ? Again it's almost all plastic bottles ( have a look at the TED podcast on itunes and I think like me you'll have a strong reaction to the ecological ramifications also !) Everything seems to be wrapped in plastic. Advice is now being given not to store water in plastic bottles in the freezer. Water !!! So perhaps it's not just oil that absorbs the plastic chemicals. I steer well clear - as much as I can in a Plastic World ! Please don't knock yourself out over this though. I still use a plastic bowl in my food processor - I haven't found one with a glass bowl, and couldn't justify the expense of replacing it at the moment even if I did come upon a glass one. My seed sprouters are all plastic. My toothbrush is plastic.. My water filter has a plastic jug. We do live in a plastic world. The best you can do is simply reduce the burden on your body as best you can. There's a website that you can check out that identifies the different kinds of plastic by their code numbers - sometimes found on the bottom of vessels and bottles. It is at www.thegreenguide.com/buying-guide/plastic-containers The plastics that this site suggests avoiding are : Number 3 : pvc which stands for polyvinyl chloride and "contains softeners called pthalates that interfere with hormonal development, and its manufacture and incineration release dioxin, a potent carcinogen and hormone disruptor " Examples are meat wrap, cooking oil bottles, and plumbing pipes. Number 6 : ps which stands for polystyrene which "can leach styrene, a possible human carcinogen, into food " Examples are Styrofoam cups and clear plastic take-out containers. Number 7 : "the only plastic made with Bisphenol A ". It's used in baby bottles ( though it's no longer legal to manufacture or sell these in Canada I believe.), water cooler bottles and the epoxy linings in tin food cans ( You know that white lining in the can !) "Bisphenol A has been linked to a wide variety of problems such as heart disease and obesity."

No Underarm Antiperspirants. We excrete wastes through our skin and I think the lymph nodes and sweat glands under our arms are compromised when we use chemicals to stop this process. I have no scientific references for this. It just makes sense to me. I've had all the lymph nodes under my arm removed on one side and antiperspirant isn't coming anywhere near me. It's an emotional decision.

No Underwired Bra's. Firstly, having had a mastectomy, my choices in bra are limited to ones that will accommodate a prosthesis. Much as I would love to have a pretty underwired bra for aesthetic reasons, it's not on the cards for me, so the choice is largely made for me. There is, however, a logical reason or two for avoiding underwired bra's. Firstly there is a belief that the underwiring, in fact the band on ANY bra restricts the flow of lymph and consequently impedes the flow of toxins away from the breast area. Pools of toxins, acidic puddles, and cancer cells being ejected from the body can all get stuck and possibly lead to disease. I haven't found any really compelling evidence for this, but then I haven't really looked. I should think that if you looked at the demographics or the world spread of breast cancer, like the use of dairy, the wearing and non-wearing of a bra might bear a strong relationship to the incidence of breast cancer. However, as I have larger breasts, or a larger breast, and I live in the United Kingdom I really don't choose to go bra-less and have a lopsided droopy look when pert youth is worshipped. Vanity, I know, but you have to have some standards !! The other argument I've come across which relates specifically to underwired bra's is that if the wires are made of metal ( and many are not ) they can pick up on the electromagnetic fields and radio waves that abound in our skies, our homes and buildings, and our lives. I can't see these waves, or energies, but I do know that they exist. My t.v. and computer, and phone, and all my electrical devises pick up something that I cannot see, but which is clearly all around. The computer no longer needs hooking up to a modem, it's what they call wireless. This stuff impacts on our bodies. I haven't looked into it because I would be swamped and overwhelmed, but there is certainly some basis for concern if you already have breast cancer or are concerned about it in having wire over the sensitive area of your body all day long. I wouldn't choose to live near an electricity pylon, or near a phone mast either, though increasingly you have no say in where these things pop up, and electricity is being dug under ground where it's cost effective, so there's no physical evidence. It's a minefield I haven't explored and don't feel up to at present. Even the ground beneath our feet has electromagnetic fields that we are consciously unaware of, though birds seem more sensitive to it, and our ancestors, too, seemed more aware or ley lines, etc. It's not something I can speak knowledgeably about such things. ( I've just received an e news update from Chris Woolams at http://www.canceractive.com/ and there's an article about Eileen O'Connor and the Obama team wanting to meet her. She is very knowledgeable about phone masts and their impact on our health. Go have a look. )

Green Tea. Some time into my chemotherapy experience I chanced on a book about superfoods called "Superfoods HealthStyle" by Steven Pratt and Kathy Matthews. In it there is a section on green tea, and an interesting little paragraph about it's benefits during chemotherapy. I'll quote it here so that if anyone chances upon this they can make up their own mind on its usefulness to them. I don't take much green tea now, because of its caffeine content, but I drank a cup every morning whilst on chemo after reading this. However, this was my own self-medicating ! There are no guidelines that I could find that give a recommended number of cups to drink. I also don't know if it works the same way with all chemo agents. At the end of the day i just did what felt right to me. I have a friend who dowses and uses a pendulum to ask her body what it needs and what is in its best interests. Given my time over I might now use that as a way to decide the right "dose". However, I drank LOTS of tea before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, so it's not a cure-all, and I consequently drink very little green tea now. It's possible that the milk which I always took with my tea bound up the good compounds and made it difficult for my body to absorb the healthy factors. I'll never know. I just used the tea along with visualisation and the knowledge that it could make the chemo more effective whilst I was having chemotherapy.

"in the U.S. the Chemoprevention Branch of the National Cancer Institute has developed a project that will test compounds found in tea to study their cancer prevention abilities in human subjects. Interestingly, tea seems to help prevent cancer in a variety of ways. It's antioxidant ability has perhaps been most widely studied, but it also inhibits bloodflow to cancer cells, thus starving them. Green tea seems to be able to shut off the growth-promoting genes in cancerous cells, thus encouraging the cancer cells to self-destruct. Tea also helps neutralize the cancer-promoting properties of certain environmental toxins. One study showed that the polyphenols in green tea actually boosted the effectiveness of one of the most common cancer drugs - doxorubicin - by causing the cancer cells to retain the drug rather than repel it. " (pg 208 published 2006. )

No Stress How can you have no stress when you've been diagnosed with stage iv breast cancer ? You can't. But I did take a different view of life and its irritations. Cancer gives a sense of proportion and perspective to things if it does nothing else. The state of the world no longer irritated and worried me when I thought I wouldn't be around to see the outcome. Al Gore brought out his film on climate warming and the imminent destruction of the world as we know it, but I was just an interested observer. I was concerned for what my family might have to go through, but I was distanced from it. It was too big for me to do anything about, and pointless to worry about. I found I had this attitude towards most things. I think cancer has educated me into handling stress and worry better. That doesn't mean I go around in a cloud of sparkly light with a beautific smile on my face all the time. There's always challenges, but I think I have more distance more of the time these days. I can observe more often and not get quite so embroiled in the details. Most of the time. Not by any stretch always. But I do think that once you've faced your own mortality and really looked it in the face there's less to be fearful of.

No Processed Foods. There''s so many chemicals, fats, sugars, salts, and toxins, and so few nutrients in processed foods that there's much better things you can putt in your body, particularly if you haven't much appetite. However, I really miss the convenience of these foods, and the supermarket is full of them ! And as there's so much advertising of these products in the media I'm constantly reminded of what I'm missing. I do wish there'd be a ban on advertising these foods as there is on advertising cigarettes and alcohol.

Deep Breathing. I used deep breathing as a way to relax and control my terror, and I used it to help me fall asleep. The bodies nervous system is triggered to relax if you breath deeply. It's an automatic response. When we're tense we breath in a shallow manner and more rapidly; breathing slowly and deeply triggers the relaxation response. We also detox through our lungs, so by emptying our lungs of stale air and refilling with fresh we are getting rid of poisons in our bodies. It's also easier to practise visualisation in this relaxed slowed down state. Picture breathing in bright healing light and breathing out the dark stuff. Deep Breathing also puts the body into an alkaline state which is where we want it to be. Cancer lives in acidity. ( It creates its own little acid pool from its own waste ! Yuck!! Inside my body ! Double Yuck !! )

No Alcohol.

No Salt.

No Sugar.

No Fat.

Vitamin C.

Supplements

Enzymes

Spiritual Healing.

Connection - Support Groups

Gardening - Support and Connection, Vitamin D, Communing with Nature and the Universe, Seasonality and the Circle of Life

Fun and Laughter

Funny Movies, CD's, Podcasts, Books, TV and Radio Programmes

Exercise

Skin Brushing and DeToxing

Colonic Irrigation

Antiparasitics - tea, milk thistle

Essiac Tea

The Great Outdoors and The Universal Everything. Spirituality

Concentrate on the Immune System

Raw Food

Juicing

Ceremony : Tea , Juicing

Music for the Soul

Water

Research in books and on the internet - staying up to date and motivated

No Toothpaste with Fluoride

skin care products

Sprouted Seeds

Fermented Foods

Heat

Oxygen and Breathing

A Sparkly Watch To Remind Me That The Time Is Now and It's Brilliant !!

If Not Now When and Life's Worth it - Nothing Tastes as Good as Life. A Change in Outlook.

Stay Interested. You're Either Learning and Open or Frightened and Closed.

Journaling

Art

Growing Food and Living Foods

Cooking

Avoid Negative Energy - people, situations, books, media, etc.

Enjoying the Seasons. It's Spring. Lets fill the house with sweetly scented flowers. How many more do you think you'll see ? Savour the moment and its gifts.

Chris Woolams and CANCERactive

2009-04-01T10:58:00.002+01:00

Go have a look at CANCERactive and the article on "EU bans Natural Vitamins"

the link is http://www.canceractive.com/page.php?n=2159

it makes interesting reading !!

My own healing retreat

2009-04-01T09:22:00.004+01:00

As I've been finding it harder and harder to stay on the straight and narrow of creating optimum health in my body I've devised a plan to get on track once more. I'm calling it my healing retreat. I'm using the word retreat, although I have no intention of retreating from the world and my life. It's just a word that reminds me that I'm doing this for me. The family do not have to follow, and it is important enough to me that I give it this description. You can spend a fortune going away on a retreat, but I intend to save the money for something else, but treat this as seriously as I would if I had relocated and paid for it. The biggest difference I think is that if I went to a spa there would be someone else devising a timetable, a menu plan, and cooking the meals and cleaning up, and I would have company and someone else to motivate me. I've taken the more frugal route, but unlike being a hermit or a monk that goes alone into the mountains, I will be still in my home environment.So I'm going to be kind to myself.

Day 1 Sunday
Essiac tea
checked water level and seeds in sprouter. (It uses a lot of water !!)
Feed birds
Anti-parasitic tea (pukka tea - revitalise ( cinnamon, cardamom and ginger ) and cloves in a tea pot. Using a pretty cup and saucer )
Porridge - oats, linseeds,pumpkin and sunflower seeds,apricot kernels, pear.
Arimidex
Vitamin C
Enzymes
lunch of vegetable burger and salad
supper of boiled brown basmati rice and vegetables, and a few prawns.
Vitamin C throughout the day.
My husband and I went for a walk around the Ripley Castle gardens and dear park. It was a beautiful sunny day, very warm and clear, and the park wasn't busy at all. The Hyacinths smelled wonderful. We walked round the vegetable garden, but there wasn't much to see yet. It was just a really lovely peaceful day.
Day 2 Monday
Essiac tea
check seed sprouter
Porridge as before
Arimidex
Juice of carrot, spinach and beetroot ( 1 Ltr )
lunch of hummus, salad, olive and sweet chilli jam on brown bread. ( Possibly the best sandwich in the world !)
supper of boiled brown basmati rice and vegetables and salad.
I spent the day at Harlow Carr, gardening. It was a fantastic day, spent in the polytunnel. I LOVE the polytunnel, and could live in there !! We planted seeds, divided plants and potted on seedlings. I don't know what it is about this propagation, but I really get something out of it. Perhaps it's the nurturing element, or the godlike ability to create life, or just my awe at the life force contained within the plants. Whatever it is, it feeds my soul. My friend Jenny was incredibly generous and brought in some seeds for me that she had spare. I'd expressed a desire to plant a cutting garden - so that I can have flowers for the house all year- and Jenny really came up trumps. She went on a Sarah Raven course last year and has enthused about it and she's infected me with the bug ! I'm devoting Wednesday in my own garden to sowing more seeds ! I have a book on gardening by the moon and Wednesday ( Today as I write this ) is a good day to plant flowers.
Day 3 Tuesday
Essiac
check seed sprouter
Arimidex
Vitamin C
1 Banana
lunch of a salad sandwich ( lettuce, tomato, and cucumber in brown bread ) and vegetable tempura ( a sinful treat !!! from the Kings Head hotel at Richmond )
supper of Mexican bean pate from Waitrose and salad.
I spent the day mooching around the charity shops in Richmond. The car had to go in for a service and I usually just go down to the town to wait for it. (I use the Richmond garage because it's a Subaru and there aren't that many garages to choose from. And Paul is always nice to me there !) It's a pleasant day out. I have tea and sit in a comfy armchair or couch at The Kings Head and drink tea, and sometimes eavesdrop on others conversations, or just read a book or journal. There's no rushing and it's just a nice place to wait for the car. Yesterday I looked around the charity shops first. Fatal !!! I bought 3 books. ....3 !!! ...How did that happen ? One was on baking bread !! Baking bread ?!?! I'm trying to give up bread !!! Oh well, the body's willing but the mind is week it seems and not the other way around. The other two books were great finds. ( I would think that wouldn't I. I just love books !) One was The RHS book on Propagating Plants, a sumptuous book that has all you could need and more on how to create more plants. The second book was by Gay Search and is called The Healing Garden. Gardening for the mind, body and soul. Isn't that a title to mull over ? I had a little read of it over lunch and it seems an interesting book. I just have to find time to read them now !
Day 4 Wednesday
Today's only just begun. I've had tea, arimidex, and checked the sprouter, and I've blogged. Now I'm off to juice, make breakfast, and then I'm into the garden to feed my soul and hopefully get a bit of fresh air and sunshine. Will update in a few days time.

Eating and Loving Life

2009-03-28T10:43:00.007Z

I am in danger of stressing myself over what I've stopped doing and eating. I've recently been eating things I shouldn't ( I had coleslaw and potato salad the other day, both made with mayonnaise ( FAT ! Processed ! ) And I've had a box ( 3 Bars ) of Green & Black's organic nut and seed cereal bars in a week ! I also had a little bottle of red wine at the weekend (OK , I confess, 1 and 1/2 in total- over 2 days. ) I know I eat better than a lot of people judging by what the supermarkets stock, but it doesn't stop me worrying. Most people don't have cancer living in their body. Perhaps I should alter that image. I'm hoping it's NOT LIVING, just taking up a little space, and perhaps dissolving away as we speak. But a lot of the things that I was doing to support my immune system and give me a feeling of fighting it with some tools have been lost over the last few months. They are my supports - things like taking supplements, juicing deep breathing, meditating, praying, etc. I think the anxiety just makes things worse. I've been seeing a counsellor at The Haven, and she's suggested that I need to be a good girl, and that it's possible that I'm doing all these things to be a good girl. Maybe there is an element of that, and I certainly don't feel I'm being adequately rewarded for that. (Total remission would be adequate reward .) But the real point of what I'm doing is to stay alive !!!! A lot of the health care professionals seem to miss this point. Are they uncomfortable with my twistings and pullings trying to get off the hook ? Anyway, I emailed Daria about not sweating what she eats and it struck me I should be talking to myself. So listen to yourself, Jill .

Do not beat yourself up over what you are or aren't doing at the moment. There's more going on in your body than you think. I have read 2 books that both suggest that the mind controls the body in ways that we don't yet understand and that the medical profession are slow to take on board. One was by Bernie Siegel. I can't just at this second remember if it was 'Peace Love and Healing ' or 'Love, Medicine and Miracles'.and the other was by Carl Simonton called 'Get Well Again'. Another I read just this summer was written by Bruce H. Lipton called 'The Biology of Belief''. These books all suggest that our brains can override whatever we put in our bodies. So you can eat a healthy diet, but if you are stressed and unhappy you won't necessarily get the benefit. And you can eat rubbish but if you're happy and relaxed the body will still be healthy. We have a place called The Haven Breast Cancer Centre nearby and one of the professionals there told us about a laboratory using rabbits. Some rabbits were noticed to be in better health than the others and investigations were made to see why this should be. All were given exactly the same living conditions. It turned out that the rabbits that were doing so well were cared for by one technician. When asked how she fed the rabbits she replied that she fed them the way everybody feeds rabbits. She picked them up, gave them a stroke and a cuddle, and then put them down and fed them. Needless to say the other technicians didn't realise this cuddling was part of the feeding process and simply put the food down for them. Clearly there was something in the handling of the rabbits and the care expressed that had a beneficial effect on the rabbits over and above just the nutrition contained in the food. My memory has lost some of the detail of this story, but I think you get the message. So what I'd say is don't get too hung up on what you can or can't eat, and should or shouldn't do. It's not the whole picture. These books and one called 'Molecules of Emotion' by Candice Pert (which I haven't myself read.) all suggest that our mental outlook also contributes greatly to our health. So if you're not eating the most healthful diet (because of chemo or any circumstance for that matter) concentrate on its positives - because it's convenient, or it's what you can get down, or you'd feel punished harshly if you didn't have it. We are all aiming to eat better, but I have on more than one occasion overwhelmed myself and slid back many steps only to have to pick myself up and start climbing again. It's much easier to take slow, small steps and not slide back again. I myself get quite down when I'm overwhelmed and know only too well what a dangerous place that can be. Depression is to be avoided and is a difficult place to climb out of.

Bernie Siegels books are very kind and uplifting and encouraging and his meditation Cd is very relaxing and soothing. I also have the books and Cd's from Carl Simonton who runs his own Simonton Centre. They are very encouraging and strongly suggest visualisations to kick your bodies immune system into gear. I have started listening to them again at night before I go to sleep.

Sprouting Seeds - The Basics

2009-03-26T11:07:00.015Z

I have sprouted seeds on and off for years now. I had intended to start again after my chemotherapy ended, but after doing some reading on Max Gerson and his therapy I read a little sentence somewhere that put me off. Max Gerson believed that there is an immature enzyme in sprouted seeds, particularly alfalfa I believe. ( My memory may deceive me on this point. I can't remember the exact source and it would be too much trouble to go and find it again. )However, after talking to various nutritional experts, both at The Haven Breast Cancer Centre in Leeds and London, and to Pat Reeves, and in reading further, I have come to the widely held conclusion that it is better by far to eat sprouted seeds regularly. They are full of nutrients, vitamins, minerals, and enzymes. and more modern cancer therapies advocate their use. So I'm having a fresh start with the seeds. I've purchased a state of the art seed sprouter , the Easygreen, to show my commitment, and because it hastens the whole process, and because it saves me some effort. I have a plan for the coming weeks and it involves using these seeds in recipes, so I need a good supply. The sprouter I've ordered (from Life Extension if the information's of any use to you ) was recommended by Pat Reeves, my nutritional therapist. She showed me hers and I was impressed. The apparatus is quite expensive - though they have recently come down in price. (It's genuine because I looked only a couple of weeks ago. ) - but it will save time on a morning when I don't have any extra to spare. I'm quite excited about my 'present' to myself.

I have used the stacking square trays that are specifically meant for seed sprouting in the past, and have been very successful with them and will probably continue to use them. I've also used jam jars, and again have recently gone back to using these - particularly for soaking seeds overnight prior to putting in the trays, since my friend Rosie told me I should be doing this. (It removes the enzyme inhibitors from the seeds. ) And I learned from my gardening class that these inhibitors are what stop the seeds from germinating immediately. The water in the soil gradually removes these chemicals and this process ensures that the seed has ideal growing conditions before it germinates. It's fascinating learning about seed germination. I learnt that some seeds require a cold spell before they germinate, some a warm and a cold and a warm period again. Some require burning to get them going. Some take years (peonies take 2 years before they germinate ) It's a wonder some plants thrive at all, but they are all just waiting for their own ideal conditions.

I have been amazed by the variety of seeds available for sprouting recently. I was in the garden centre at Harlow Carr recently and came away with lots of Thompson and Morgan seeds specifically meant for sprouting. It is unwise to use the seeds meant to be grown in earth. Those seeds - the vast majority - are often sprayed with chemicals and fungicides to prevent mould and mildew and rotting. Seeds I've recently found in the garden centre include :-

aduki beans

alfalfa

broccoli sprouts

black eyed peas

beet

basil

buckwheat

cress

green peas

lentils

mustard

onion

radish

red cabbage

rocket

snow peas

sunflower

salad sprouts mixed

sandwich mix

wheatgrass

That gives me a few to try !! There are many suppliers on the Internet which I will probably be making more use of, but I do like to browse actual seed packets and have something in my hand when I come away. I also collected some parsley seed from my own plants last year, and can see no reason why I couldn't sprout them. Except that they are notoriously difficult to germinate. Folklore has it that it will only germinate for the one who wears the trousers in the household .... I'll let you know.

MY METHOD FOR SPROUTING SEEDS

Soak the seeds for a few hours or overnight in fresh, clean, filtered water.

Drain, rinse, and drain again. Leave either in a glass jar covered in muslin / clean kitchen cloth, or transfer to a seed sprouter.

Rinse regularly, but a minimum of morning and night. The muslin over the jar acts as a sieve to contain the seeds so that you don't wash them away. Alternatively, if using a seed sprouting tray made for the purpose the water will automatically percolate through and you just empty the bottom tray. The water should be clean and fresh and preferably filtered. As the enzyme inhibitors have been soaked away from the seeds you can use this rinse water to water any other plants you are growing.

Germination rates vary between seed varieties, and even between seeds of the same variety. ( I find beets to be particularly independent little fellows !! ) Some can be eaten within 2 to 3 days, others take 3 - 5 days, or longer. Check on the packet for instructions. I get a kick out of watching them germinate and grow and it's the one kind of gardening that can be done year round.

First crop from the Easygreen Sprouter :-

The seed germinator looks much like an incubator, and that's just what it is for plants, but unlike a heated propagator or incubator, the temperature is on the cool side. It is water in the form of a fine mist which is the most important element. It comes with a timer and mine is now set to come on at various intervals 7 times within each 24 hours.

The unit comes with 5 seed trays and I have scattered the following seeds :-

basil - slow to take off (3 days and no signs of life yet ) and the seeds clog the drainage holes. They have developed a jellylike substance that surrounds them, and look a bit like fish or frog eggs.
broccoli - just showing sprouts at 3 days.
beetroot - no sign of sprouting at 3 days
broccoli - just showing signs of sprouting at 3 days
lentils - showed first signs of sprouting at 2 days , but looking better at 3 days

A word about nuts and grains

Nuts should also be soaked to remove enzyme inhibitors. Ideally they should be soaked for 4 to 8 hours. I put mine in a cereal bowl with a saucer over the top and put them in the fridge. Once soaked I rinse them and try to use them fairly soon, but I think that they could be left for a little while to sprout. I have also dehydrated them afterwards. Is that defeating the object ? I don't think so because the enzyme inhibitors are gone and they won't need soaking for quite so long the second time. Once soaked they are lovely and moist and sweet. I think it was either Pat or my friend Rosie who said that nuts are dried and should be thought of in that way. You soak them to make them more easily digestible. I haven't yet tried sprouting grains, but will be soon. Such grains as quinoa and buckwheat can be sprouted, but I believe they only need sprouting till they have a tiny shoot no longer than the grain. I'll let you know when I sprout them. They don't need cooking if they have been sprouted and contain all their enzymes and nutrients. I should think that they are more alkaline than their cooked counterparts, though this is just an educated guess and I've seen nothing that says this. ( so I could be talking through my bottom !!)

Happy Sprouting !!

Eating Plan

2009-03-18T11:52:00.004Z

Wednesdays eating plan is as follows :-

I've had juice and porridge for breakfast and have just made a large salad of avocado, yellow pepper, cucumber, mange tout, cos lettuce, and broccoli florets for lunch along with a chamomile tea. For dinner the plan is to have courgette pasta with pesto sauce, guacamole and salad.

Thursday's plan for dinner is Veggie Nut Crumble and salad.

Fridays plan is for Simple Veggie Burgers and salad, though we will also get in Fish and Chips for our guests. Friday night has been fish and chip night in our family for ages and ages.

The recipes are all coming out of Pat Reeves book " A Living Miracle ". They are very simple and don't require sprouting or dehydrating and sound quick and easy to prepare. I'm saving some others for next week when my seeds have time to sprout. I've also tried one of Pat's recipes for nori rolls using nuts and vegetables. The consistency and mouthfeel was surprisingly similar to rice sushi. I used too much lime juice, but I've learned and they are definitely worth trying again.

I don't want to plan any further ahead at this stage. I'm going to an art workshop on Saturday and Sunday with Carole-, my sister in law and a vegan lunch is provided. We'll just see how we feel when we finish each day. I'll post later with my results.

Who Has Stress Today ?

2009-03-12T10:04:00.006Z

I seem to have picked a particularly bad week to post my eating habits. Are all weeks the same as this ? I honestly can't remember. I thought I ate more healthily than this. The truth is we're having friction with our resident teenager. My daughter is an angel. She is thoughtful, fun , mature and kind beyond her years, gifted at school, and a pleasure to have in the house. I am VERY proud of her. But occasionally a little devil who I think is called Hormones comes to stay with her. At these times we spark off each other and neither of us can seem to say anything right, and looks - don't even think about looking at each other !!! I know everyone goes through it, but sometimes it gets unbearable. That's what this week has been like so far. Tomorrow's always another day and I just can't wait for things to settle down again !! Unfortunately it is impacting on how I cope and what I eat, and how much energy I have to prepare and plan food choices. How do others cope because I'm sure I'm not alone. I don't usually talk about it because I think I'm being disloyal, but it's not. It's just normal life. I'm reassured when I talk to others and feel a lot better when they soothe me with similar experiences they have had. It's so much easier to be open and let people help but I still feel this tug of fearing I am disloyal. Isn't life a dance ? Offsetting our own best interests and those of the ones we love the most ? I'm actually a very private person which everyone who knows me would confirm, and I'm a little frightened of spilling too much to the whole world thinking I'm in the privacy of my sitting room - just me and a keyboard. How do you strike a balance of connection with others whilst protecting the privacy of those nearest you who you share your life with ?

Instant De-stresser
This technique - I collect these things and am always grateful for new ones - was given to me by Steve my Macmillan Nurse.

Breathe. It's a breathing exercise. Breathe in through your nose . On the exhalation pay attention to what is outside your body -

it can be the feel of the chair you're sitting on, the heat of the sun, the coolness of the breeze, or the proximity of a loved one.
the sound of birds singing or conversation in another part of the room or any sound you can perceive
the smell of hyacinths, lilies, or coffee - whatever you notice
the sight of your surroundings could be brought into sharp focus- colour, texture,light and shade.
the taste and mouth feel of something, perhaps your cup of tea or a mint, in your mouth.

Concentrate on just one sense but give it your full attention. The theory behind it is that it overrides your brain and all the worries it is concentrating on. You overload it, and by multitasking you are forced to choose what you concentrate on. It's powerful stuff and it works. I've tried it , and strangely, I really quite enjoy the experience. It feels wonderful because you concentrate on something pleasurable ( though if you have a bad taste in your mouth it'll either make your perception of it worse, or still work, but be more a masochistic pleasure !! I don't know, and I don't feel any urge to try ! ) It is a sensuous experience and can feel like quite a luxury at a time when you may need that most. Try it out yourself and let me know about your experience . I think of it as quite akin to a gratitude journal ,but unlike a journal , as it's title implies, it's instant, takes only a moment and requires no office supplies or paraphernalia, and can be done anywhere at all. You can do it as unobtrusively as the occasion warrants, so as long as you remember it you can use it in any situation. The trick is to remember these techniques at the times of stress when you most need them. I admit that there are occasions when they would work, but my mind is elsewhere and the help is temporarily unavailable. But for when you do connect with the storeroom in your mind these techniques are invaluable, or so I have found.

Tuesday / Wednesday

2009-03-12T08:39:00.004Z

I'm having a difficult week and my eating plan isn't quite going to plan. However, I've committed to this and I'm determined to be truthful. After all, how else could this blog be of use to motivate me if I cheat when I write on it ? So here's my days eating for the past two days and my sorry excuses.

Tuesday

breakfast :- I didn't have breakfast. My weaselly excuse ? Chris, my husband had accidentally put on two different suits before leaving the house - the jacket of one and the trousers of another. Having an important meeting in the afternoon, he couldn't be seen in this odd combo and asked if I could meet him halfway and deliver his jacket. He's a busy man who works hard to fund my drug habit ( essiac, vitamins, enzymes, vegetables for juices, and other weird and wonderful potions ! ) and I offered to go into Leeds. However, he was happy to meet me half way, but it still threw my morning schedule out and I did without my breakfast of champions.
lunch :- I had a GREAT, FANTASTIC, LIFE ENHANCING lunch at my friend Rosie's. She went to loads of trouble and made me and Sue, her sister in law and my new friend a three course lunch which was out of this world and which I'd expect to get at the SAF Restaurant in London, which I've only heard about, or at any Michelin starred restaurant you could name. I am so Lucky to have Rosie cook for me and act as my mentor in all things raw. I took a photo, but will keep you waiting till I can figure out how to post it !!! Anyway, you're wondering what I had. We started with a cold tomato soup. This was followed by guacamole mousse in an aubergine pashmina (my description ), noodles (I can't remember the vegetables, but will ask Rosie ) coated in a wonderful sauce (who knows what secret ingredients were in there, just Rosie's wonderful alchemy of flavours based around avocado ) and salad. It was divine. For Dessert - what decadence ! we had raspberry cheesecake ( made with raw nuts ) and raspberry coulis adorned with pomegranate seeds. This was followed by gunpowder and ginger tea I think. It doesn't matter what's in Rosie's food it is always special and life giving. And very, very elegant. Are you drooling? I am just remembering it. I think this made up for not having breakfast and I probably enjoyed it more because I was hungry. And there was loads ! I'm ashamed to say I stuffed myself. If you're reading Rosie, Thank You. We had a great time, the three of us putting the world to rights and I couldn't have had a nicer afternoon.
Dinner :- Not even close to how great lunch was. I had a little cooked wheat pasta - that's what I threw together for my family - with raw-ish pasta sauce and a large salad. Quick and easy and I did have a lot more salad.
Juicing :- Sadly I didn't juice for the second day running because my morning schedule was unexpectedly changed.

Wednesday :-

breakfast :- porridge with seeds, apricot kernals, cinnamon and apple.
lunch :- OK. I admit it. I didn't have lunch. I stayed in all morning, firstly having an email argument with D&A, both mine and my daughters optician, about replacement lenses for Rosie. She's dropped, damaged, and I think lost her last pair of contact lenses and I needed her to have new ones - so that she can see at school. (she's also been in a dreadful mood lately and this could be contributing to that. Heaven knows I'm in a bad mood when I can't see !! ) It was akin to road rage ! Well, slight exaggeration ! But I wanted to make my feelings known - they wanted to charge me an exorbitant amount when I feel we're already paying a fortune yearly - £240 a year! Am I mad or is this a lot ? Is a replacement pair too much to ask ? Anyway I sent off a heated email. Then I saw my Macmillan nurse, Steve who is fantastic and I was calmed the moment he walked in the door. We chatted and I felt better - Oh and he gave me an INSTANT de-stresser and I'll post about it later. Anyway, when he left I got ready and went out without eating. Why did I rush out ? What sorry excuse have I got ? I went shopping. Retail therapy, except it wasn't really therapy. Rosie needed jeans for the weekend ( and a warm sweater but I'm not going into that ! Teenagers !) So I spent the afternoon hunting for a selection of jeans for her to try. Personal Shoppers do not have an easy job when they're shopping for the tastes of the fashionista's !!! I think they must earn every penny. I did manage to get two pairs out of the many I brought home which passed muster. And that, dear friends, is why I missed lunch.
Dinner :- dinner was a fiasco. I was exhausted and there wasn't a great atmosphere in the house, so I comfort ate in every sense of the word. I wish I could lie and say I had raw pasta and salad, or even soup, but the truth is I had warm tomato bread from Morrisons supermarket - just out of the oven, and a piece of fish that I stuck in the oven, along with some organic peppers and cos lettuce. Very very easy, very very satisfying, but I can't honestly say it was particularly life giving, and couple that with stress and I have to admit it wasn't my best day.
Juicing. Again no juicing. The carrots are rotting in the fridge ! So I can't say I don't have / can't afford the produce. Oh well Tomorrow is always another day.

What's the recipe today , Jim ?

2009-03-10T08:00:00.000Z

There was a radio presenter called Jimmy Young on BBC radio 2 some years ago who used to have a recipe section and his catchphrase was.... "What's the recipe today, Jim." and it just popped into my head as I started this post. The plan is to record what I eat this week and see where I am with my healthy eating plan. So here goes :

Monday :-

breakfast :- Porridge with fruit and seeds. No time to juice as my daughter missed the school bus and I had to take her in.
lunch :- Hummus, salad, sweet chilli jam and olive sandwich on wholemeal bread. Possibly the best sandwich in the world !!! I spend Monday's at Harlow Carr learning how to garden and there is a little sandwich shop nearby who make The Best Sandwich I have ever had !! It's a treat and I don't have one every week (because of the chilli jam, and because if I'm organised I bring a salad I make myself ).
dinner :- Mashed potato, peas, and prawns. I'm trying to eat more raw food, but I was in Waitrose trying to find organic peppers and thinking of what to have for supper, and just thought of this great simple recipe I used to make ages and ages ago - in another life! - I think I needed comfort food last night and it worked a treat. Anyone with teenagers will understand that once in a while a mother needs some comfort and if the way to get it is through a little mashed potato, then so be it.
throughout the day I drank water and 'Vitalise' pukka tea, and took vitamin C.

I will keep posting an update this week and it might clarify what I'm doing and where I can improve. So keep watching this post as I'll edit it each day.

Oh, nearly forgot !! I went into the garden centre yesterday - lethal - and bought lots more packets of sprouting seeds to restock my fridge while the seeds are fresh in . I'll fill a few jars and soak some today to start them off. I also bought some more wheatgrass seeds, though there is a cheaper way - buy in bulk ! - so I can get them started off for when I use up the grass that's still growing. It's the forward planning that I find difficult. I lack concentration and just can't seem to think further ahead than a day or so. It just seems too much trouble for my poor head.

Some Interesting Podcasts

2009-03-07T10:27:00.001Z

I have found some interesting podcasts on itunes which you can download free of charge. I download them onto my ipod and I can listen to them at any time and anywhere. I'll list some of my favourites here. They're in no particular order. There are others I subscribe to , but in honesty there just isn't enough time in the week to listen to them all.

TED Talks - TED stands for technology, entertainment, and design. There is both a video and an audio version and I subscribe to both. This is , in my humble opinion FANTASTIC !! I feel in touch with the world, and in a positive way. I don't read the papers or watch the news, because by and large it is so depressing. So this is a way of being informed about what's going on in the worlds of technology and design, and in a very positive educational way. Have a look if you haven't seen it yet. It's terrific.

Listen To The Lancet Oncology- a monthly podcast which has highlights of the current issue of the magazine. I did subscribe to The Lancet podcast, but found little that I wanted to listen to. I always read the 'podcast information' before listening so that I don't waste my time and so that I don't expose myself to something that is not beneficial.

All In The Mind - a podcast about the mental universe - the mind, brain and behaviour. This is a fascinating podcast by Natasha Mitchell for Australian radio, which focuses on the workings of the brain. I find it very positive and uplifting. It is amazing to learn how the body works and how strong our urge to live and survival skills are.

Dave Weekly Vodcast - This is a humorous and lighthearted weekly video podcast from Dave tv.

Learn To Meditate - From the Meditation Society of Australia

Raw Pirate Gourmet - I like this couple ! These are video shorts and I would call it raw food for idiots - me being the idiot ! They make it easy and do-able, and inviting, and I feel that I can do what they've shown me.

The Renegade Health Show - This is another video podcast that is presented by an enthusiastic young couple who introduce you to the raw eating lifestyle. It has a home made feel, but what they lack in polish they more than make up for in enthusiasm and passion.

Rawkin Radio- Revvell P Revati hosts this podcast where she interviews people who have adopted the raw eating lifestyle. There are some really interesting speakers, and it is a motivational and inspiring podcast for times when I forget that there are people in the world who eat this way.

Sotheby's Private View - a video podcast on the visual arts because man does not live by bread alone !

Universal Everything/ Forever/ Feed- an installation artwork from the Victoria and Albert Museum . Effectively a screen saver, but pretty and relaxing to have on screen.

We Like It Raw - There's an interview with Kris Carr, cancer survivor, and other interviews, again on the raw eating lifestyle.

Meditation - Overcoming Stress - a podcast by Roy Masters

Meditation Oasis - by Mary and Richard Maddux

Personal Growth Podcast - which has excerpts from various classic and contemporary self development audio books.

Stand Up Comedy -

Jonathan Ross -

Best Of Chris Moyles -

Steve Wright In The Afternoon -

Ultrawellness TV - Your Guide To Lifelong Vibrant Health And Vitality -

There are many more - many on science and humour, and many other subjects. It's amazing how much information is freely available on itunes.

A Day out With Vicky

2009-02-28T11:38:00.001Z

Face Care - The Natural Way
I had a really great day yesterday. My friend and I went on a day course to Harlow Carr Gardens run by Siobhan and Rob from Pringle and Fairweather called "Face Care - The Gentle Way". It was all about making your own face creams and cleansers using natural products. It was terrific, and I made loads of potions. I made two different cleansers - one for me and one for my daughter (if she can be persuaded to try it !). I also made a facial scrub. I don't use scrubs myself, but it may come in handy for my gardening hands later this year. Then I made a green tea toner - I'm going to use it in a spray bottle for when my hot flushes overcome me in the night ! After that we broke for lunch. In the afternoon we made a moisturizer. My first attempt wasn't too successful, but my second one turned out better. Perhaps I need to be a little more accurate in my measuring, and it's just a little tricky getting the oil and water to emulsify. I learned that they both need to be at between 70 - 80 degrees, and within about 5 degrees of each other. We finished by making a lip salve. What a day!! And I got to spend it with my friend. I would definitely do it again, though I might do some research beforehand on essential oils. Being sensitive about oestrogen, and as many plants contain phyto-oestrogens, I might try to find time to check on the oils that would be most appropriate for me. ( I didn't mention my condition as some people get a bit anxious about letting you use essential oils if you mention the C word - and what is life if it doesn't smell nice !?! Some people (who should know better !) do have dire fears of the hazards of some of these oils, whilst at the same time being perfectly happy pushing toxic chemotherapy agents at you !!I think you have to be guided by your own common sense and just do a bit of research.) Let's face it, there's going to be less chemicals in the lotions and potions I made than in anything you buy in the shops. And it was fun to make them.There were glass bottles and jars and tins available to decant and package our precious elixirs in, and I came away with a bagful of goodies. They're all nestling in my fridge at the moment. Rob and Siobhan couldn't have been friendlier or more helpful . There was a wide range - and I mean wide ! - of oils and essential oils to choose from and we all came away with a recipe booklet so that we can make them again at home. I love this kind of kitchen alchemy, and feel a lot more confident having been guided through it. I now smell sweetly of lavender, ylang- ylang and frankincense

Pringle and Fairweather are a Cumbrian based company and can be found at
http://www.pfskincare.co.uk/
They sell a range of hand creams, body butters, soaps, and bath products. All produced by hand, in small batches and with healthy skin in mind. They've come to making these products from a similar angle to myself and that really reassures and resonates with me.

The day wouldn't have been the same without Vicky. We had a girly day together and managed to catch up which isn't always easy. It's difficult finding time when we are both busy.But it was really nice to share the day with a friend. As I say, it was just a great day. I hope we do it again soon. I'll have to find something else to stimulate and excite us !

It's just struck me that you might like to know what I put in my magic potions, and I may need to refer back, so below is my aide memoire :

Stimulating Milk and Honey Scrub Cleanser :
ground almonds
dried goats milk
runny honey
Rosewater
Sweet almond oil
Ylang-Ylang and Geranium essential oils

Avocado and Aloe Vera Cleansing Oil :
Macadamia oil
Jojoba oil
Avocado oil
sweet almond oil
vitamin E oil
Aloe Vera
Vegetable Glycerin
Geranium, Frankincense, and Lavender essential oils
(someone in the group added chamomile essential oil and the cleanser turned a lovely shade of green )

Almond Scrub :
sweet almond oil
ground almonds
cider vinegar
distilled water
lavender essential oil ( palma rosa oil was also recommended)

Green Tea Toner :
green tea
honey
ylang-ylang essential oil

Super Hydrating Cream :
apricot kernel oil
olive oil
beeswax
borax
rosewater
aloe vera juice
vitamin E oil
rosewood, lavender, and frankincense essential oils

Serum for Mature Skins :
macadamia oil
rosehip oil
evening primrose oil
jojoba oil
borage seed oil
sandalwood, carrot seed, lavender and vitamin E essential oils

Lip Balm / Rescue Salve :
cocoa butter
beeswax
sweet almond oil
hemp seed oil
caster oil

Wheatgrass Juice

2009-02-27T17:57:00.001Z

Today my wheat grass was tall enough to be juiced. I got my scissors and gave it a little haircut, fed it through the juicer, and decanted it into my best crystal liquore glass. It looked pretty - an emerald green with a pretty foam on the top edges. The taste... the taste... There are no words in the English language to describe the taste. It is truly indescribable, and not in a good way. I added carrot juice to make it a little more palatable, and two carrots later I could indeed drink it. This drink is widely reputed to have profound health giving properties. It must be true, because no one would otherwise be persuaded to regularly imbibe it. I have grown LOADS of it !! At least I will be forced to continue juicing it to get rid of the stuff ! You might say it's an acquired taste, but I doubt that. It's two years since I've been juicing cabbage and broccoli, and whilst I'm used to it, and have learnt how to soften the flavour, I can't say I now crave the stuff. However, considering how many people swear by wheat or barleygrass juices, it must indeed be very good for you. It is packed full of antioxidants and chlorophyll which is incredibly similar to the blood plasma, or so I have read. It is regularly used at The Hippocrates Institute where I believe it is viewed as a mainstay of the cancer fighting regime. It's medicine, and medicine is often unpalatable. Whats more, the health giving properties are at their best within the first 15 minutes of pressing. Consequently I am getting medicine that is of a very high calibre, and that is generally unavailable on the N.H.S. The cost and inconvenience of obtaining it would be prohibitive. It also requires a special juicing machine, though there are inexpensive hand cranked models available for anyone who would like to give it a try and include it in their strategy. Basically it is a luxury and I intend to view it as such. It would cost a great deal to go and get it at a spa which is the only place I can think of that I would be able to find it. So whether it tastes good or not is irrelevant, it's good for me and it's a luxury. The grass doesn't have to die to give me this essence, but it must hurt a bit. I am grateful for it and will honour it's medicinal qualities each morning.

The Science

This is where I remind myself why this stuff is so good for me, and why I decided I should grow LOADS of it !!?!

Oxygenating the Blood and Body and Cells

"When compared to a molecule of hemoglobin, the oxygen carrier in human blood, chlorophyll is almost identical. The major difference ... is that the nucleus of chlorophyll contains magnesium (Mg), whereas hemoglobin contains iron (Fe)"

The Hippocrates Diet and Health Programme by Ann Wigmore

Chlorophyll then is important in the oxygenation of the body. It has been established ( by Nobel prize winner Otto Warberg ) that cancer cells live anaerobically (in other words whereas our healthy cells are fuelled with oxygen, cancer cells, those unhealthy and confused cells, are fuelled by sugar fermentation and make no use of oxygen .) Most cancer regimes focus on re oxygenating the body through numerous methods - exercise, deep breathing, and eating oxygenating foods,wheatgrass being one of the better sources.

Alkalising the Body

Wheatgrass also, in common with other vegetables and fruits is alkalising, and cancer prefers, and indeed creates its own alkaline environment. A shot of wheatgrass/barleygrass quickly alkalises and de-acidifies. This is important in creating an unfriendly environment for cancer ( Encouraging it to pack it's bags and go. ). What's more, as I am on Arimidex and Zoladex treatment, known to strip your bones of calcium, (I've read somewhere - can't remember exactly where at the present - that you can lose the equivalent of 7 years worth of post menopausal bone loss in ONE year if you are taking Arimidex!) it's really important to stay as alkaline as possible. If your body is acidic it will hunt for the mineral calcium to re balance and alkalise. Calcium is what your body uses to neutralise the acid. Where does your body store large amounts of calcium ? Yep, your BONES ! That's why you lose bone density. ( Incidentally, eating protein and carbohydrate push your body toward acidity - I'll post on this another time.) So being aware of how acidic / alkaline my body is figures high on my list.

Maximising Nutrients

The nutrients contained in wheatgrass couldn't be obtained by eating it ( who would want to ?! ), but they are easily available and digestable in juice form.

Creating a healing calming environment.

I have read recently in a magazine that simply growing wheatgrass beside your bed creates an environment conducive to sleep and that it will assist you in getting a good nights uninterrupted sleep. I haven't tried that yet, but will let you know. If it works I will be festooning my windowsills with the stuff, and will have to drink it till it's coming out of my ears.

Postscript :- 7th March

I've now juiced it a few times with organic apple and this makes a tremendous difference !! It's palatable, though I don't like the smell as I juice the grass. The apple is a luxury, and it truly transforms the drink. It helps that the apples ( from Tesco's at the moment ) are quite large and are very flavourful, but they are a help in my transition period. I drink out of a crystal wine glass, so the concentration is more dilute, but I'll work towards increasing the proportion of wheatgrass as I go on.

Pat Reeves, nutritional therapist

2009-02-21T07:54:00.001Z

Visiting Pat was a motivating and valuable experience. She was all I could have hoped she'd be. I didn't know what to expect when I arranged to see her. All I really knew was that she had been successfully fighting cancer herself for thirty years and I had been looking for someone who fit that kind of description since I was diagnosed myself. It is difficult to find long term survivors to speak to in person. They seem to go to ground so to speak. And the complication is that whilst there are many people who know someone who has survived, there are so many different types and stages of cancer that your own survival means different things to each cancer patient. We all want to find someone who has had the same or worse than ourselves and has lived to tell the tale. That's where I look for hope. people who defy the oncologists dire scenario's. Pat ticked my boxes. Pat is dynamite wrapped in a petite body. What's more, she was incredibly generous with her time and advice. I count myself fortunate to have found her.

One of the areas that Pat understands is bone health, having fought cancer and osteoporosis herself. She suggested that I add exercise to my daily life, and not just any exercise, but resistance training ( with some kind of weight, even in the form of a can of beans. ) I was given a sheet with seven simple exercises that she herself started with and that should take no more than seven or eight minutes to do. I was instructed to do them two to three times a day. But the most valuable advice she gave was in how to view exercise, how to think of it in such a way that I would actually DO IT !! What was this great wisdom that Pat imparted ? Simplicity itself.

Think of exercise as you do food. You wouldn't think of eating on just Monday and Wednesday. Exercise as often as you eat.

That's it. Simple. I've not thought of it in this way before. I've always viewed it as tedious and time consuming, needing at least twenty minutes before I even start to get any benefit. So my plan is to do those exercises before breakfast and dinner. If I can also do them or something active around lunchtime so much the better. Associate exercises with food. Doesn't that make sense ? It sounds a little TOO easy ! We'll just have to see how I go on. I'll keep you posted. It's a bit like the concept of browsing as a way of eating ... little and often. I take vegetable juice and vitamin C this way( every three or four hours ), constantly replenishing my reserves. I just need to add these exercises to that routine. That is do-able! And with the days getting longer, I'll feel more enthusiastic about moving. I do seem to hibernate in the dark, cold, wet months. Roll on Spring and sunshine !!

It's just a pity that I came down with a bad cold as soon as I got home, and don't feel like doing much of anything. It's not quite as easy as it sounds !!! Still, I'm starting to pull out of it now, so as soon as I can breathe freely I'll be going for it

If you are interested, Pat's website can be found at http://www.foodalive.org/ She has a resource called ' Blessings For You ' which is really worth a read.

The Elixir of Life

2009-02-15T09:09:00.001Z

Today's recipe is for my alkalising, super nourishing, enzyme and chlorophyll rich juice. I have adapted this juice recipe over the last year or so. I have changed the recipe and refined it , and I will continue to do so. When I started I just used carrots and apples. It was a good place to start because it tasted good, and it looked nice. I then changed the eating apple to a cooking apple,( they were falling of our trees ) and it tasted better. The sharpness in the apple and the sweetness of the carrot worked well together. I also felt great using our own organic apples. ( Have you noticed that there are NO organic baking apples in the supermarkets ?!! ) But our apples don't keep for very long and again I was changing the recipe. I started including broccoli and cabbage - widely known to contain cancer busting properties. Unfortunately, the drink created is browny green in colour which doesn't look too inviting, and is an aquired taste. My most recent recipe uses spinach or cucumber to soften the flavour, though the colour is still a little muddy. It's not Gerson's recipe, but I can't get hold of the quantity or quality of produce that his therapy requires. I hope to grow more of the vegetables he recommends in the summer, but for now my juice is determined by what's in the supermarket.

I call this drink the elixir of life because it has such life enhancing properties, and because the plants have given their life essence into the juice - just for me !! That thought makes the drink more palatable, whatever it tastes of.

THE ELIXIR OF LIFE

carrots I use 1 kg a day at present

other vegetables as available :
spinach
fennel
cabbage
broccoli
beetroot
chard
lettuce
watercress
rocket
pepper
you get the idea

I juice all at once in the morning, and decant it into small glass bottles and keep them in the fridge to drink through the day. I make between 1 ltr. and 1 1/2 ltrs a day. This gives me a steady stream of nutrients and ensures my body moves toward an alkaline state all day long.

Get Off Your Fat Butt, Woman !!

2009-02-15T08:47:00.000Z

It's a good day for a walk, but I'm tired, It's cold, and I just want to do this first. There's always a but. Do I really need to exercise ? Of course I do, and seeing as I'm taking a daily tablet of bone sapper, it's probably more important than at any time in my life. But I always have an excuse to put it off. I was thinking about it this morning and tried to figure out why, despite my knowing how important it is for my life and my body, I avoid it like the plague. Firstly, I admit it, I'm lazy. I don't like being cold, (and it is cold out there ) and I don't like being hot (and exercise and hot flushes make me hot, hot, hot, but not in a good way ! ). I think also I'm a little frightened of any exercise other than walking. What if the increased blood flow feeds the cancer ? What if the cancer makes a new blood supply ? What if the cancer spreads in the blood coursing round my body ? What if the cancer dislodges while I'm doing sit ups and flies around to somewhere else ? The only exercise I can admit to doing is walking. Walking is gentle exercise, and I don't picture anything bad happening, but it's time consuming. And I have been having a case of the guilts, tied in to my fears for the future ( I'm past the two year mark now and that's past my sell by date !! ) So the time has come to get over myself and get some kind of exercise plan together. I'm seeing someone next week who is a nutritional coach, body builder, and cancer fighter herself. I'm hoping that she will act as inspiration and guide. I suppose that is why my mind turned to why I don't exercise. Let's face it, the subject is bound to come up, and it's the biggest omission in my strategy so far. But, I find it really hard making a commitment. It's my birthday on Tuesday, so by the end of this week I will have a new strategy in place and I will be exercising. Stay tuned for my updates.

sprouted seeds

2009-02-15T08:09:00.001Z

I have decided to try making wheat grass juice. I vaguely remember being somewhere where they sold it some time in the dim and distant past - some trendy place I really can't remember. It was trendy some years ago and I wanted to know what it was all about. All I can remember is that it tasted awful !! Anyway, since my memory is so hazy and since I have been reading compelling reasons to juice it, I have decided to give it a go. I bought two packets of sprouting seeds and soaked them overnight in a jam jar of water, and then drained and rinsed them well. I then left them in my little seed sprouter - a plastic box with drainage holes - for another night or two, and then sprinkled them over compost two days ago and covered them with a black seed tray to exclude light. I've unveiled them this morning and exposed them to the light and a little fresh air. They're now sitting on my windowsill all ready to grow on. They're at that furry stage at the moment. I wonder how long it will take them to grow long enough to cut. It's surprising how maternal you can feel over a few sprouted seeds. I have cabbage and beet sprouting in a dark cupboard in my kitchen as well, and I find myself talking to the beets, who are not sprouting yet. The cabbage are showing tiny specks of life. It's very satisfying to have brought some dried up seeds to life. I also started off some radish and spicy fenugreek yesterday. What I'm having trouble with is knowing what quantities to grow. I dare say I'll learn.

Why have I only just started sprouting seeds? I actually was sprouting seeds when I finished the chemotherapy and got a little strength back. But I read that Max Gerson (of The Gerson Therapy) believed that sprouted seeds had an immature enzyme that could be harmful to cancer patients. I also read that alfalfa (if I remember correctly ) was particularly bad. So I stopped sprouting. But as I'm feeling stronger and I'm also not seeing any change in my condition I think it's time to step my nutrition up a notch. And as sprouted seeds are powerhouses just chock full of nutrients I am going to start eating them again. It's also gardening for the winter months !! It just needs a little organisation and the capacity to remember to rinse the little darlings every morning and every night. Routine is the key for me. If I can just include it in my morning routine - Essiac tea, water seedlings, make juice, make porridge. Sounds easy doesn't it !

What's for Breakfast ?

2009-02-08T08:43:00.001Z

Today , like every day, my journey begins to a healthier life. I have done enough reading to know that there are many many benefits to eating a largely raw diet. There's the vitamins, the minerals, the enzymes, and maybe there's a magic in it too. Something not yet identified under the microscope, something of life's energy. I don't feel a need to know all the specifics, but clearly a largely raw vegan diet will create an alkaline, well nourished, and oxygenated environment for my body as well as flooding it with cancer busting enzymes. I have read that having cancer is an indication that my body was/is acidic, that it was poorly nourished, and that somewhere along the way I may also have had less than optimum levels of oxygen in my body's cells. That's got to change, and has changed over the last two years. But !! There's still lots of room for iimprovement. I will be going into a little detail about all these factors in later posts. Today let's just get onto my first recipe.

MORNING PORRIDGE

2 TBSP. OATS (raw if you can find them )

2 TBSP. LINSEEDS (FLAX) ground

1 tsp. CINNAMON ( or nutmeg, cardamom, cloves, etc. )

1 APPLE chopped

SUNFLOWER SEEDS

PUMPKIN SEEDS

NUTS (almonds or walnuts )

Apricot kernals , ground

FILTERED WATER

Soak the porridge overnight in the fridge ( if using raw oats) , otherwise use hot water in the morning. I like the creamy consistency and warm comfort of hot porridge, but nutritionally, raw is better.

Grind the flax seeds and the apricot kernals together in a coffee grinder. I found a nifty little one at lakeland plastic. I give it ten pulses and I'm done !

I mix in the cinnamon, or cloves, or nutmeg, whatever spices I'm using into the porridge. They give taste, aroma, and some contain vitamin B17, and some have anti-parasitic properties.

If using raw, cold porridge the ground seeds can be mixed in at this stage. If the porridge is hot scatter the diced/chopped apple over the top. Follow this with a sprinkling of seeds and nuts, and then sprinkle over the groound seeds.

A word about heat:

Raw food (vegetables, fruits, seeds, grains ) contains enzymes. Enzymes are also created in our bodies and are used to help break down and digest food. One reason for eating as much raw food as you can is to bring in to the body enzymes from the foods we eat. This assists the body by supplementing it's own supply. Heat destroys enzymes at temperatures exceeding 104 degrees F. So cooking above these temperatures ( and all my cooking is at much higher temperatures ! ) destroys these substances. You can see these enzymes at work in your kitchen laboratory. Try marinating fish in lemon juice. The lemon "cooks" the fish. Try pineapple on meat. Pineapple contains the enzyme bromelain which breaks down protein. Pineapple popularly goes well with cheese, again a protein.

Useful to know before breast surgery

2009-01-30T15:38:00.001Z

In my research I came upon the book 'A Healing From Breast Cancer ' by Barbara Joseph M.D. In it she refers to a study published in The Lancet in May 1991 authored by Dr. Ian Fentiman, the deputy director of the Imperial Research Fund's Breast Unit at Guy's Hospital in London. Studies showed that premenopausal women could benefit from having their mastectomies performed in the last two weeks of their menstrual cycle. They developed significantly fewer late recurrences or metasteses than women who underwent surgery in the first two weeks. The reference is

Fentiman I.S. et al. My 25 1991 Timing of Surgery During Menstrual Cycle and Survival
of Premenopausal Women with Operable Breast Cancer Lancet 33 : 1261 - 64.

Barbara Joseph states that " if a drug produced the survival benefit of 84% vs 54% at 10 years, which the timing of surgery did in the quoted study, it would be headline news, the pharmaceutical companies would be marketing it and doctors would be utilizing it. " ( A Healing From Breast Cancer. Barbara Joseph M.D. page 100 ) I have never heard of this, and I would have certainly wanted to act on this information. The results are explained as being related to the production of hormones in the ovaries and their effects on the body. Only oestrogen is produced by the ovaries in the the first two weeks of a womans cycle. Progesterone is the dominant gonadal hormone produced in the latter two weeks. Perhaps my surgeon did bear this in mind when he scheduled me in. They certainly knew the date of my last period, but to my recollection the only thing that governed when my surgery took place was the availability of my surgeon, a bed, and an operating theatre slot.

BREATHING IN AND OUT

2009-01-29T11:08:00.002Z

I have found over time a number of breathing and visualisation exercises to calm the mind and body. Some time ago I read Betty Shine's Mind Workbook. In it she gives a number of visualisations. In one she gives instructions for constructing a pharmacy in your mind. This pharmacy is clearly described to make visualising easier and it is stocked with whatever medication you need. Whilst undergoing chemotherapy I would often journey to this pharmacy and treat myself. Over time the area developed. I built rooms off it to rest. Magically, I found I could fall back asleep quickly when I woke in the night if I visited this place. I visualised medicines - magic bullets (one for each ovary )that I would take from a box ( think Peter Cushing and vampires !!), the elixir of life ( in a chalice - think Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail or the sequel ), sleeping pills, and the hormone melatonin which your body makes in your sleep and is crucial for your immune system. As my sleep is interupted I now visualise and taste ( sometimes) the hormone in drug form boosting my own broken production. ( It comes in a glass ampule I break and it tastes like cats wee. Why, I don't know. I should have made it taste good. I don't even really know what cat's wee tastes like, but you get my drift.) Whilst having chemotherapy I would visit this place every night and it would give me comfort. These days I don't visit it quite so regularly. I have found other exercises which take my time.

The exercise I do each night now involves breathing and monitoring the breath. This one I found in the book "Living Proof : A Medical Mutiny" by Michael Gearin-Tosh, and he quotes from Jan De Vrie's and his book 'Cancer and Leukaemia : An Alternative Approach' . What you do is you feel your breath moving throughout your body. You start at your feet. Begin with your left foot and breathe up from the soles of your feet to the hip, and then exhale down to your foot again.. Do this seven times. The number 7 is an auspicious number in China and that is where I believe this exercise originated.. So I say lets believe in its magic! Move your attention over to the right foot and do the same again - 7 times. Follow this with breathing again from the left foot up to the hip, but now breathe across your hips and down the right leg to the right foot.. Swap sides and do it again another 7 times. Move on to the left arm starting in the hand and breathe up to the shoulder and back down again - 7 times. Do the same on the right side. Follow this by breathing up the left arm and across the shoulders, breathing up through the hand, across the shoulders and down the other arm. and repeat starting on the right and finishing on the left.Now move to your spine. breathe up and down your back bone 7 times. The penultimate part, and the one I find hardest is breathing through the skull. This takes concentration and is the hardest for me. Finally breathe through the whole body, starting at your feet and working up your arms and spine and skull, and breathe out going in the opposite direction, ending at your toes and fingertips. This exercise takes me about half an hour. And it does get easier to visualise and feel, though my experience is that some days are easier and more fluid than others.

There are benefits to doing this, though it does take discipline and I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel it did me good. It firstly calms the body. Deep breathing affects your nervous system. It is a physical fact. Just take three slow deep breaths and you will feel different. This exercise gives you 77 deep breaths. It oxygenates your body, and very importantly deep breathing makes your body more alkaline. Cancer thrives in an acidic environment, and creates it's own little pond of acidity from its waste products. Anything that moves your body towards an alkaline state is very important and should be actively pursued. Breathing is free. There are substances, which I'll mention another time, that will make your body more alkaline, but breathing is free !! This breathing through your feet or through the bones as it is known also stimulates the immune system, or that is my theory. Blood cells are made in the bone marrow. When breathing through the bones I visualise the oxygen moving the bone marrow up and down and stimulating new cells to grow. I do feel a change (A tightening of the muscles perhaps - I don't know exactly, and it doesn't matter to me because it is said that where the mind goes the body follows. ) The brain doesn't differentiate between imaginings and reality. If you imagine a really scary scenario you live it for the time you are thinking about it. Your body pumps out hormones and feels the stress you would feel if it were something happening right now, right this second. I take the view that if I'm having positive thoughts that my immune system is being massaged, then it can only have positive results. It will certainly do no harm. So I have these positive thoughts at least once a day. The last benefit is that it does relax me. I do it religiously each night when I get into bed and have no trouble falling asleep. When I first started doing it I would fall asleep during the process, and when I awoke would be able to carry on from where I left off !! It gives the mind something concrete to concentrate on and stops the incessant chunterings , fears and irritations of the day.

A very simple technique is to simply watch your breath going in and out as you would watch the sea waves. Count up to four breaths and then start again at one. Counting isn't necessary, but gives the mind something to focus on. It is also nice to listen to calm music as you do this. Classical music is perfect where there are no distracting words. My spiritual healer made a cd for her patients that has music carefully chosen to enhance this healing effect. She has also suggested to me visualising a golden healing and protecting light that arises at the crown of the head and encircles the body.

One other suggestion that my healer made and which I have found useful is to pack your thoughts , worries and doubts into a balloon, breathe it into a balloon and then let it go and off away it floats , or leave these pesky thoughts (for that is all they are ) in a rubbish bag outside the door.

This reminds me of one other process that I find very useful for relaxing when other things fail. I don't know the source or where I got it from. Imagine sitting in a chair or lying on a couch. Imagine that you are wearing a suit of armour. Now imagine the armour being removed piece by piece. I start at the toes' taking off toe guards, shoes, shin coverings, etc. Once I've come to the top I look down and often find there are additional protections which must also be removed. Obviously these coincide with where I hold tension. For me it is my abdomen ( isn't that where my ovaries are !!) It may be additional or alternative places for you. We evidently also hold a lot of tension in our jaws, so pay some attention to removing armour and masks from this area. This has an immediate de-stressing effect on me, but it's not something I would practice out in public ! We all need our armour on out in the real world.

One last technique which is widely practised is to create tension in muscles and then release it to gain greater relaxation in the muscles. For example, you tense your hand and forearm, hold it for a count, and then release it. In this way you feel the difference between tension and relaxation. You once again work your way along the body. You can start in the head or the feet, or wherever you want I suppose. I have used this technique in the past and found it very effective, but I use the other techniques more often. I don't feel a need to create more tension these days.

WHILE I WAS SLEEPING

2009-01-24T14:43:00.000Z

Prior to going to the GP's I had started an excercise regime and had cut out dairy products. I think this stood me in good stead. However, there's giving up dairy and giving up dairy !! It is amazing where dairy can be included in processed foods. It is found in the unlikeliest of places . I have come to the conclusion that dairy products - anything derived from cows milk is a vey cheap filler product. I was astonished to learn many years ago that Canadian Cheddar cheese had chicken bones in it. (It's calcium isn't it ?!!) I now know that there was dairy in so many things that I had been eating whilst thinking myself dairy free. Lactose, Whey, Cassein, milk, butter, cream, creme fraiche, yoghurt, these are all names which are applied to dairy products. Following surgery I became a detective on the trail of dairy, and a very wide trail it is.

Following surgery I tightened up on excluding dairy products. This meant that I radically changed my diet. Processed food was out. It seemed to be in everything and as I was too weak to check every label it just seemed easier to exclude most of it. This policy had an unexpected bonus. My consumption of sugar and fat and additives also fell. It sounds strange, but I detoxed whilst on chemotherapy. My diet was very restricted. I had humous, wholemeal pitta bread, salad, baked potatoes and pineapple. I dare say I found a few other things to eat, but it certainly felt like a cavemans diet. I didn't have the strength to stand let alone cook so the diet truly was simple. There were times I could have cried with frustration because I couldn't think what I could eat, couldn't shop for it, and couldn't make it. But, as the saying goes, that's just history now.

I barely functioned whilst undergoing chemotherapy. I slept a lot of the time thinking that I was helping my body heal. I didn't read, didn't watch television, didn't go out. I hibernated my way through it. I did a lot of deep breathing. When my daughter was younger I had found that she would fall asleep more easily if she heard deep breathing beside her. I took this approach to coax myself to sleep and to combat the stress of the cancer diagnosis. I foolishly asked how long I had so that I could get my affairs in order and was told four to six months. My oncologist didn't deliver this as a certainty, but it certainly frightened me. The effects of the chemotherapy confirmed his dire estimate to me. But I was lucky, and the tumours did shrink in size.

The game begins

2009-01-24T14:18:00.000Z

My story starts in September 2006 when I first visited my GP's surgery. I had noticed a firmness in my breast, and despite telling myself that it was muscle from my recent exercise regime, I decided I should just reassure myself. I found myself in hospital the next month being told it was a lump, of course it was a lump, and that I had to have a radical mastectomy. I sought a second opinion, and although this second consultant had a much kinder bedside manner, the diagnosis of cancer remained the same and a mastectomy was recommended. By November the deed had been done. I was now a fully paid up Amazon. One of the fabled huntresses who chop off a breast to improve their aim and accuracy with a bow. Despite being in and out of hospital within days, and despite the number of such surgeries performed weekly in hospitals throughout the country this is no small operation. There is pain involved. There is disfigurement. And there is fear. And... there is worse to come. After giving the body a few weeks to heal, the chemotherapy starts. I was told that the cancer had already spread and there were tumours over each ovary. Fortunately, the tumours did decrease in size as a result of the chemotherapy, though they still remain. I had six cycles which took me from just before Christmas to Easter the following year. That's when the real game began.

A DEAL WITH THE UNIVERSE

2009-01-24T13:41:00.000Z

Today I'm frightened.I've been distracting myself on the Internet,, and I've been reminded of my need to find my life's purpose - my calling.

I read the story of Jonah and the Whale as told by Thomas Moore in his book 'Dark Nights of the Soul' and I feel I must stand up to the challenge.

The story goes that Jonah is called by God to deliver the message to his people that they are sinning. ( Sin, incidentally, is another name for error. I was raised a Catholic, and remember the dire threats associated with 'Mortal' sins - and 'venial ' sins for that matter. Threats of a hellish place, or a purgatory, again not a good place to be, and for a long, long time! I thought these places were real. To have a geographical location. I could visualise them ! I was too young to understand metaphor, and the nuns were very graphic and passionate about their teachings. The word sin consequently had very strong negative emotions attached to it for me. The notion that sinning was simply an error, a mistake, an old fashioned word for an everyday experience was a revelation to me. I now see the Universe and God in a much kinder light. ) Jonah, understandably, doesn't want to stand up and deliver this popularity raising message and flees aboard a ship.Mid sea his fellow sailors discover Jonah's motives for being there,and fearing God's reaction to finding him with them, they throw him overboard. A large fish appears and swallows him, and he spends the next 3 days in the belly of the whale. Jonah is ultimately spat out on the shore. At this point Jonah capitulates and passes on God's message. He doesn't want to go through that again ! It's a metaphor I know. The dark night of the soul. The spiritual journeying, trying to avoid the difficulties, and then standing up as the individual that he is - for his beliefs - his knowledge of truth.

Like Jonah, I don't want another visit to the briny depths of chemotherapy and despair. I have capitulated to the Universe. If my calling is to pass on the hope of a way of living with cancer, then I must find a way of putting that into action. My first thoughts some time ago were that I could write a book! But there are some excellent books out there already. And a book implies to me a journey and conclusion. Or at least the conclusion of part of the journey. A stopping place. I have not reached such a place yet. So perhaps something for the here and now - in this moment. A blog is the natural conclusion. So I have agreed to write a blog.

There may be plenty of other blogs out there. And I feel arrogant at the thought of making my thoughts and views so public. How on earth can I have anything valuable to say ? But - give the Universe a conduit and you never know! I don't want to commit myself - to put myself out there - but at the same time I want to pass on what's taken quite a bit of research to find. And I do feel as if I've been led to the reading and information I have found. If that's the case, then repayment is due, and now is the time to step up to the plate and accept the heavenly request. If I'm deluding myself then no one will read it and no harm will be done. I will have simply encouraged myself through this writing process.

So now comes the planning and preparation. An entry once a week or once a fortnight should be sufficient - enough to keep me busy, but not so onerous that I can't also live my life.What I plan to include is all the information that seems to make sense to me about cancer. There are some very strange hypothesis and 'remedies' out there. I don't think of myself as a crackpot and will just include what I have personally found useful. Should anyone read this blog, they must make up their own minds. We are all different and it is everyone's own responsibility to pull out what is useful to themselves and ignore, dismiss, or postpone that which is not applicable, appropriate, or possible for themselves - I have taken things on gradually, and things which I dismissed out of hand 18 months ago, I now consider, move towards, and embrace. We are our own custodians and carers for our bodies and spirits. We do our best and hope. It is not my intention to frighten anyone. I am not a doctor and have no medical background. The information contained in this blog was garnered from many sources. My researching started in the summer of 2007 , and continues today. I have stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer - lobular and hormone positive if that information is of use to you. It certainly coloured some of my research.I currently have tumours over my ovaries. They are stable. It is my mission to move to a state of remission, and the purpose of my research is to achieve that end. " Where there's a will, there's a way "!!!!!!

It is my fear that anyone reading this blog will come away fearful and overwhelmed. There is much to frighten us. I have found that there is also cause for optimism and hope. Please don't take on too much change at once My advice would be to pace yourself. I have overwhelmed myself many times, and each time must retreat backwards to summon my strength, energy and reserves, before moving onward and upward again. I have found that being overwhelmed and tired can each lead to feelings of despair and depression. This I try to avoid at all costs. It's easier to maintain optimism and hope, and harder to rebuild it from a place of fear. Look after yourself.

And for all who read my blog I wish you well. I wish you health and happiness and joyful life.